H agreed to see my FT, whom I think is very good. I seen him myself last night and we discussed next weeks apt with my H. FT agreed that it is very important we do not make my H feel like he is being attacked. And he also mentioned letting my H open up about the control issues he has with me. Then he said almost exactly what you said Allen, it's all about “cooperation" and "negotiation”.
The thing is, any partnership, family, frienship, work relationship, involves a degree of submission to common understanding, some sacrifice has to be made.
In the workplace, you agree with your employer to maintain to the best of your ability a regular schedule and pace of work. In exchange, they offer you a place to work, a salary, and a reference for when you choose to move elsewhere for employment. Both are taking on some risks, some sacrifices, some trust is extended as well. So long as no one pushes these to extremes, the arrnagement fucntions well. The problem is when an employer presses the employee to keep a rigid schedule, and brings unreasonable consequences down when the schedule or whatever isn't followed. This is EXCESSIVE control being executed.
Marriage isn't much different. You both make sacrifices, offer a degree of trust, exchange support and labour, etc. But when either of the partners executes excessive control over their situation, or executes excessive consequence when an understanding isn't met, problems result yet again.
Your H seems to think you get excessive in the arrangement, but that HE does NOT. I would call six months of heartbreak and lies excessive. The problem here mb28 is that he expects you to fully acknowledge the damage you may have done, but he insists on protecting a reputation to the point of spewing a web of lies to everyone. Your husband is showing as much abuse of the situation as he characterizes you as executing. But your H won't own any of the damage he's done. He wants YOU to IGNORE it. He's going to try to get a free pass back into the home and if you bring up the six month period here he will just start flag waving again.
Your husband has a serious emotional issue : He wont' own his behaviour and rectify it; he insists on sweeping his excesses under the rug.
THIS is as abuse of control too. THAT needs adressed, and I didn't even mention infidelity. Him hiding away for months and playing childish games of cat and mouse with you to the detriment of these children having to suffer this nonsense for months on end is deplorable. He won't OWN it. He will have to own it sooner or later or you will never respect him or yourself, even if you get a marriage back.. you will grow to resent it.
You will not be able to live with this man if he won't grow up enough to be honest about the harms he's done to people.
I hope this isnt' a historical problem of his and its just been teh last six months, but I suspect this is a maturity challenge he's had for a long time.
