I spoke with H last night and basically cried and told him how awful a person he is. How awful for getting me pregnant when he thought he was losing his feeling for me (denies that he felt it in October) and how him leaving as opposed to staying in the house when he did recognize his feeling added more distance and we never gave a chance to see what if.

I told him how disgusting his action were, and that in the past few times we've been around each other, i feel nothing for him (huge lie) and that i hate him, would never take him back (H was probably smiling and happy) and how our son will grow up to hate him.

H was really upset, didnt reply much (which I hate). Said i go through these cycles and he knows tomorrow (meaning today) i will be sending him an email telling him i'm sorry or that i do want him involved, etc. I AM NOT!!! Will cut off my fingers before i do! That's the problem, he thinks I will always be here for him. Makes me so angry.

Told him he needs to stay out of my life, because if he doesnt see and appreciate the good in me to want to fall in love with me or think of the wonderful years we spent togetehr and say hey i want that back, then i dont want him in my life at all.

if i hear from him one more time 'i care for you just not the way a husband should' will bite him! I said i dont need someone caring for me like a friend. i have a great family/friends support system...dont need more caring friends. H coming with me to the docs or birthing classes this week made me feel like i was still so alone.

maybe i am not ready. i honestly was okay and cool with H just being there for baby stuff... this weekend I was extra sensitive and realized he is not there for me.

Also H told me the ticket he had for graduation was in the 'overflow' room... WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN!!! Is it a room with a TV/monitor or where the extras go!!! So i politely said, I am not overflow... I am either there as your wife or nothing at all... I sacrificed my life, my happiness and most of all my marriage to you for 31 months to get you through school, and if I am not front and center then i do not want to be there. H got sad and tried to excuse himself by saying that he know BIL is graduating the same day and that he knows my mom will be sitting with a ticket in overflow so he thought i could sit with her. UMmmm NO! Then went on to say the 3 seats were for his parents and his sister and she is due to have her baby in 2 weeks, so most likely she will not go... I replied with I do not want second hand seats. Clearly you do not care if I am there, so i am not going.

next week might be the hardest week for me yet. Tuesday = Graduation/6 years we got engaged. Friday = 12 years since we started dating. Can I sleep the whole week through and wake up in June?

I wish i did have the stregnth to keep H around for the baby and not have any expectations... I honestly felt that way for a long bit of this saga... but this week, i lost all stregnth. I feel week. Sadder than I have been in a while.

We sat at doc's office yesterday and she asked about my 'baby plan' and 'birthing plan'. She turned to H and I when speaking and went on and on about being a team and how it was extremely hard work, and sleeping and eating and being there for one another, and how H should go above and beyond to accommodate me since I am breastfeeding, and H agreed and shook his head, with a huge smile... Felt like yelling and saying are you really going to do all that from your childhood bedroom at your parents home???