Yeah, I thought of that as soon as I posted that....even when things go well, it isn't 'good'...like, "Yay, my soon to be ex and I were able to amicably divide up our lives"
Yeah, that isn't exactly hooray-inducing...
In my case if it went too smoothly, I would be upset because he didn't seem to care enough about me to try and keep us together. But if it was crappy, I would be upset bc he was being so cruel and hurtful.
Anyway enough about me...get some food and take care of you.
So I met with the stbxW. I was the model of cool, calm, and collected. But then we are the cordial, polite D couple. The financial part of this D is going to be completely business-like, agreeable, and fair.
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In my case if it went too smoothly, I would be upset because he didn't seem to care enough about me to try and keep us together.
Yep. Just what I was thinking. There was one crying episode from the stbxW, but that was it. She still can't say "divorce". She is mostly upset over the loss of security in emergency funds, since it looks like she will have to pay me off. My thoughts were "you wanted this. No sense crying now".
That part was the easy part. When we finished I asked if she had any questions; relationship or otherwise. She said no. I should have left it at that and shut up and left. I guess I needed some satisfaction. I said:
1) Two months ago I would have done anything to save this M. But now I've seen what awaits me on the other side of this and my standards for myself are much higher and she didn't meet them. She has had months alone to change. I've made changes to myself, she has done nothing. Even if she wanted to change, I doubted she could do it. I had settled for her and I was done settling. She really didn't like that.
2) She really didn't like me hanging up first when she called. I didn't tell her I was DB'ing, I said it was because the conversation was always lagging and she never wanted to talk about our relationship and I was afraid I would get emotional. Best to hang up. I didn't think to say, "Ya could call me anytime you wanted. You only called when I said it was a goal in MC."
3)Said "Well W. You asked me in MC why I was resentful of you. Well, it's because you don't care. Not about our house, our life together, our M, or me. She said "Well. It's felt like you haven't cared about me. Maybe it became a vicious circle." I agreed and we decided not to play the blame game.
4)I said I still believed something happened to cause her to abruptly leave. Either it was an affair or she ran out of gas, but I didn't believe a married woman would leave so unexpectedly solely because she ran out of gas. She said "H you are right. The second thing happened and then the first."
Well hallelujah!! I finally got an answer. Rob, Puppy, Pearl you were right. Add it to the books. God it feels good to not wonder if I am crazy. Certainly not easy to hear, but at this point I can deal with it.
She did have a surprise. She is still going to IC, the last time was two weeks ago when I asked her to provide a preliminary D breakdown. Her body language says she is very upset, but I focus on her actions. No attempt to fix any of this. Proud of her new apartment. No attempts to even contact me.
I'm sure our remaining sessions will be back to business only for the remainder of the D. It was nice to get some answers though.
Well hallelujah!! I finally got an answer. Rob, Puppy, Pearl you were right. Add it to the books. God it feels good to not wonder if I am crazy. Certainly not easy to hear, but at this point I can deal with it.
Bro it's certainly not something we want to be right in, in fact I wish I could be wrong every single time it's suspected that an affair is going on or has happened but after a while you learn to spot the trends, as much as every specific situation on these forums is different, the warning signs are all the same, the ILYBINILWY's, spending more time out with "friends", changing appearances, changing routines, locking cell phones, new underwear, staying out late, having the need to "find" one's self, MLC, a spouse that hates you and treats you poorly over a long period of time, disrespect, etc. etc. etc.
FWIW, you're handling this like a champ - regardless if you wear a kilt or not ;-)
She didn't have any glaring red flags. I think she hid a lot of it very well. And being on the road a lot, she could easily come and go without raising suspicion. It was mainly just little things she would say. She never changed. She still hasn't. Either she found someone who is completely happy with who she is, or it is over. I guess I would still expect some sort of change from her after walking away. But preferring not to be challenged is sort of her M.O.
She didn't have any glaring red flags. I think she hid a lot of it very well. And being on the road a lot, she could easily come and go without raising suspicion. It was mainly just little things she would say. She never changed. She still hasn't. Either she found someone who is completely happy with who she is, or it is over. I guess I would still expect some sort of change from her after walking away. But preferring not to be challenged is sort of her M.O.
--Fergie
Just had a very similar convo. with my C yesterday (yep, I missed work but went to my C bc I hadn't seen her in 3 weeks!). For exH and I to ever reconcile, he would have to do some serious introspection and he appears to have no desire to change/grow. So either ow is willing to take the crumbs he gives or they are over and he will have to be content with shallow R's in the future, unless/until he grows.
As much as it sucks, I would still prefer to be US in this scenario. Because we have grown and changed through the process but they have not...
I was revealing what was going on to an acquaintance a few weeks ago. Her xH cheated on her multiple times. At the end I got the usual "I'm sorry", which I responded "It's okay".
She got mad and pointed out, it's not okay. My W didn't have to cheat. Since then I've stopped saying "it's okay".
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As much as it sucks, I would still prefer to be US in this scenario. Because we have grown and changed through the process but they have not...
Me too! I like my changes. I like my life, current difficulties notwithstanding. I can't understand how WAS don't go through the same self-overhaul.
Although the W did say "You didn't know me very well". Whatever that means.
Your pipe band is truly special. Thank you for letting me share in your art and philanthropy. Yesterday, you guys brought tears to my eyes, watching you tune up... all very serious, all giving for nothing in return.
Since we are on DB, I will say it again, "Your W is an idiot!"
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
