Thanks for the good advice & NM for the suggested wording. The first part is perfect. But re: "Please let me know what your idea of the parenting plan looks like" -- wondering if it can be tweaked... I mean, I know he doesn't have a parenting plan, and wouldn't know what a formal parenting plan is.... no-one knows what he is going to do post meeting the baby.. I presume follow through with his decision to leave .. But I'd really like a line in there about what his contribution might look like...just to show up his lack of commitment.
My two cents is no, don't say anything about it yet. If his answer is "I'm leaving and my plan is to send her a card on her birthday" he's saying that to YOU. And there's a lot of friction between you two now. If it is brought up after the birth (and *maybe* the BIL should approach it-- maybe even at WH's first meeting with the baby), he's saying it to HER. And that might make his answer different.
All I know is that with my WH, there's so much rebellion. It's like, he knows what he's doing when he's rebelling against somebody. When there's no one to push back against, he suddenly doesn't know what he's doing anymore. I sort of think of my job as clearing the way of people to push back against so he can truly act on his own.
I give this advice because it's what I would do if my WH and I had been in conflict right before the birth. But I completely understand if you feel that something different is better in your sitch.
I don't know what you are referring to exactly when you mention the parenting plan! Do you mean you want to know how often he will see your D? Or to what extent he will be involved?
I do agree with Gatsby that it doesn't have to be decided now (of course it is YOUR life, lol!) but you can see what he says after holding D and crying and wanting to see her.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Sorry NM for not being clear. Yes, I want to know what he has on offer as a father in terms of parenting (and finances for that matter).
If he has no answer to my question or ignores it, then it might show him up (to himself) and make him start to think more responsibly about what he is plans are. And at least I will have the satisfaction of putting my 'demands' out there too. Remember, my WH has been unilateral. He has controlled everyting. Now he wants control over these last two things (seeing her/naming her). Fine, but where is the give and take?
Still haven't sent the email...thanks for your help!
(G, even if he ignores the question or comes back with something sarcastic, I don't care too much. it's a matter of principle. he is 'asserting his wishes', can't I assert what I think are quite normal expectations of the father?)
I have to say I am also feeling very little emotion for WH these past days. For the moment, letting go seems to have worked.
today i am only intrested in boundaries.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
I guess I don't see give-and-take for any of us here. That's not the nature of WAS/LBS, from what I gather. I know that MWD talks about how that feels really unfair to the LBS and it is. (I've actually read some stuff, ha!)
That said, do what you feel is right, P. You can assert things with him. I just worry that he'll rebel against it just for the sake of rebellion. But he might not.
I've got a question for ya-- do you NOT want her to have his name? You said that you guys agree, but now it sounds that it's something he just wants. Same with seeing her- do you not want him to see her for a while? These are areas where you can definitely set boundaries if you want.
I also wanted to say that when I was in MLC the other day (I ventured out to other threads!), I read a lot about WAS with not MLC but with depression. And the LBSes were saying there should be a topic about WAS with depression. Maybe that's your WH, I don't know. But I thought your WH when I read it.
It is totally normal to feel little emotion for him. I tend to get that way with my WH too. I think that's detachment. I think that's a really good thing.
Sorry, just rereading and I have to say one more thing: finances. This is different from his interest in personal involvement with her because it can be legally enforced. Somehow you two will need to figure this part out. I know it's touchy because he's been unemployed, but he has temp work now so he should offer something.
My only advice for it: get your agreement in writing. A contract, as it were. At least then you have some legal standing for whatever amount you guys come up with.
Hey G. Another 5am insomnia moment here :-) Good to find you!
He could rebel for the sake of rebelling, true. I have no expectations today so he can rebel if he likes, I don't care.
The name: We were always going to double-barrel anyway. WH and I always believed our child should have both our names, as a political statement more than anything. We wanted to break with tradition. Kinda makes it easier to just stick with that plan... Maybe that's a lame excuse. Lame excuse #2 is that it sounds better double-barrelled cos my surname is really boring, and there's no way she is just having his! Other reason is that I don't want to upset his family over a matter that is just not central to me (although none of them share his name which he has from his walk-away father whom he only met 3 times in his life). Other thing is, the child can always unbarrel the name, as as mine comes last, she could easily just take on my surname alone.
I agree though that it does just sound like I am giving him what he wants, but oh well.. I toyed with the idea of adding a line like "For reasons which are entirely my own, I agree that we should give her our shared family names". But it seems a bit petty.
As for him not seeing her for a while -- no, happy for him to meet her when it is practicable. I figure in the couple of hours after the birth, I might be busy recovering/bonding/god knows what else - sleeping perhaps? - and I think he should come after that. I am putting my well-being and that of the baby's first.
If he doesn't want to see me give birth, then he can come in when 'the mess is cleaned up' (!), just like everyone else in the extended family...although he can probably have first dibs being the biological father and all.
About the MLC stuff, I don't think he has depression.. I could be wrong though, as I understand it doesn't always present as 'classic depression'. Would be interested in reading these threads.
re finances, yes. I don't know how to go about getting or writing up such a contract. I guess he would know since he's quite good with financials. I need to talk with him about this. I am scared to raise it.
actually i have really complicated the financials ...as I am trying to get my o/seas citizenship (with WHs support...well, I'm not sure about that anymore after this week!) we can't legally declare we are separating...because I can only get the citizenship through marriage...which means i will not be entitled to single parents benefits until this comes through. It's important I have the citizenship so I can come and go between the two countries as I please (and given half my friends, family and culture are there I am not prepared to give it up). Our daughter will automatically have hers. And I was going to get mine anyway once we can back here -- it was always the plan.
these are the kinds of big issues i want to discuss with WH.
Wow. Definitely complicated. Okay, my two cents again!
+ Don't talk to him about all these things 'til after the birth. + Meet face-to-face to hash out financial stuff and anything else you think might be important. In the contract, include child support and how it would work if he goes back overseas; how he could help you with citizenship (I guess, I don't know anything about that); other details you may need to discuss. You could include a visitation agreement here. + I think you should write a contract draft today. You are in the mood for boundaries, so it's probably a good time! + Make two copies of the contract, both sign, both keep a copy. + When you're at the meeting, be cool, calm, and detached.
I think it's important to remember that the contract does NOT mean you guys are over. It means that you are being smart without divorce. That's my opinion, anyway.
It also doesn't mean you are separated legally or anything. It's just a signed agreement.
"If he doesn't want to see me give birth"-- that's from you, sorry no official quote. What do you want at the birth? With the situation exactly as it is and no changes, what do you want?
Sorry about my passion with the finances. (Financials in Australia!) I know my WH said I was "all about money" now, but that's because he was hurt when I stated our relationship was mostly financial.
