I've been keeping myself busy looking for apartments and working overtime. I have been living at a friend's house for a couple days. During the daytime, I've been feeling just ok, hanging in there and ignoring the hurt just enough to keep my cool. I've even been having some fun.
But at night when I try to sleep, there are no distractions to keep me from crying and wanting nothing more than to be in his arms. Mornings are worse. I wake up earlier than I want to and remember what's going on in my life and start the day off with a long crying spell.
YAH, I understand what you're saying. I've been creating anger toward him out of hurt, because the anger feels better than the sadness and longing. For a while, before we decided to seperate, I did have a little bit of contempt for him because I didn't think I was being treated fairly, but more importantly, because I could tell the end of our R was probably coming soon.
It's almost as if I've used the anger as a protective shield.
But the truth is that I'm not as angry as I sound, and I'm certainly not as angry as I was a month ago. The anger has been momentary (I think I post here when I'm angry because it's a better outlet than taking it out on him).
I have had a lot of anxiety, feel like my stomach is knotted up and can't eat much. I was constantly wondering what his relationship was with this younger woman he works with. The anxiety had been taking a physical toll on me and I felt like I just needed to know.
So I asked him about it and he said she is just a work friend and that they do talk at night sometimes, but that he also does a lot of talking about how bad he feels about letting me down. He said he wouldn't even think of seeing her romantically because their lives are in completely different places and that she is way too young for them to be able to really relate to each other.
I believe him because that's just what he's like. He's not the cheating type. He said he's still just as depressed as he was before, and that he has been trying to "do something different" to try to lift himself up, which is why he's been talking to friends again and playing guitar again.
After I asked him about these things, and got an explaination that I believed to be true, the anxiety and panic started to subside and I was able to eat again. I feel a lot better now that I don't have to wonder anymore, but it also leaves me to deal with the sadness and mourning of the relationship.
He accused me of being negative and only focussing on the bad times and that things were really good and special for a long time. But I just CAN'T think about the good times because it makes me hurt so much.
So yes, YAH, I have been creating anger toward him because it does make it easier to let go. It is hard when he is being so nice about everything and trying to be my friend. I feel like I'm losing a good catch and my best friend.
When I think about forgiving him, it seems there is nothing to forgive him for, that I know he never hurt me on purpose and wanted nothing more than to make me happy.
Believe me, this would all be a lot easier for me to let go of if he really was the jerk I've made him out to be on this message board. But the truth is that I'm terrified to lose the most caring, intelligent, sensitive and generous man I have ever met and even more terrified that I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop it.
He is still depressed and has been dealing with this cycle for many years and he hates it. He said he doesn't feel like himself and wants to get help and break the cycle for good. He's tired of hurting people this way and he needs to be on his own for a while to rebuild himself before he ever gets involved with me or anyone else.
He's ready to be friends as soon as I'm ok with it. He knows I need a lot of time but he said the sooner the better because he wants me to be in his life.
I'm staying busy and spending time with friends, trying not to self-destruct too much (drinking,smoking). I'm looking for apartments and truly believe this next month of moving and transition will be one of the hardest in my life. We moved to this city exactly one year ago, so my friends are relatively new and few and dealing with this is a little bit scarier without my old support system.
Sorry about such a long post. It's the only thing I can do to catch my breath between crying and hyperventilating. I'm just dealing with the ugly truth that the only thing that will make me feel better is time, and lots of it.
