No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[MrBond]

Update:

So over the weekend, my oldest D had a friend over for a sleep-over playdate. My W stayed overnight to help out.

Overall, everything went well. On Friday, my C suggested that I tell my W that she was forgiven and to ask her to forgive me over the weekend to see what her reaction would be.

So Saturday night while we're in bed together, I told her I had forgiven her and asked if she could do the same. It escalated into a R talk that went wayyy to long which was my fault. She maintained that I had had brought all this stuff up before and I agreed with her that I had, but that I had never received any answers to my questions. There were so many things I brought up, but one thing I asked her was why she kept treating me badly and she said it was to push me away. I told her she was a coward for doing that and that she hadn't taken ownership for anything she had done wrong. My C said that "ownership" of her actions was important, so I made sure to hit that point.

So in the end I told her that the main problem we had was that we just stopped talking to each other and that she gave up. She mentioned that she did try and I told her that I didn't know she was trying and that I didn't know that she had issues with the M. I told her that she had to tell me if things weren't so hot so that at least I could have changed and that if I didn't know, of course nothing would change. It ended on a pretty neutral note.

The next morning, there was some tension, but she was talkative. We spent the rest of the day with the kids at a water park and at the end of it all, we had another short talk where I told her that she had to start communicating with me better. That night, the kids were crying as she was leaving and I told her that this was what I had to deal with every time she left. She then flipped it around and said that she had offered to split our time in the house so the kids could be stable, but that I didn't want to leave because I did some work out of the house. I flipped it back and told her why should I leave if she was the one who was unhappy.

I told her to think about it...she wanted to go into a R with a married man, felt uncomfortable with me, so wanted me to move out. Why the hell should I have? Funny I could recognize that now as fear from her. I could see that she was sad and frustrated by her actions and needed someone to blame. She didn't argue the point back like she used to. I think she's slowly coming out of the fog she's in.

So she called her sister to ask her to pick her up. As she's waiting, I tell her that she is running away and leaving the rest of us to deal with her consequences. I told her about what the C told me about the kids' separation issues with her and she countered that she she did some reading too and that we shouldn't swap the kids that way. I countered back and said the swapping wasn't the issue. The kids see HER leaving home so their issues are with her and they want her home. Then I asked her to tell me that she didn't miss the kids. She didn't answer.

Her sister then came and she hugged us all goodbye.

Monday rolls around and we have a pleasant talk when she calls the kids to say goodnight. I can tell she listened to some of the things I was telling her (such as asking me how the kids were doing) because she did so in her conversation.

Tuesday when she calls at night, I tell her that I was disappointed at her not calling earlier in the day on Monday to see how the kids were doing because of their outbreaks and that she used to. She asked me how my day went (which was another thing I suggested she do to help in communicating). She reiterated that she had doubts since before we got married. And that's how things ended.

So this morning, she comes over to watch the kids since she's off. I pull her to the side and tell her that I understand that she had doubts before we got married and that she could have and still can talk to me when she had those doubts. Then I told her that even though she had doubts, we got married and we have a family. And that there's not a couple I know who didn't have doubts before they got married. I said that we have an obligation to the kids and each other and that what she decided to do was up to her, but that I am still in this.

Then I left for work.

Whew, that was long. She doesn't seem to be as combative as before and actually seems to be thinking of things now. Are they hitting her? I have no idea. All I know is that every day she seems to be more like her old self.

[pigskin]

Sounds like progress but she still seems a bit distant and reluctant to come back. Any chance of the two of you getting into MC together?

Since the OM is out of the picture you can treat her like a woman you are interested in dating. But when she calls and you tell her "you are disappointed in her" (even if it is justified), I don't see that as being attractive to her. An OM probably wouldn't say something like that to her.

Rather than hit her up with heavy talk, try to build her up. Be someone she knows she can go to for encouragement and to cheer herself up.

[MrBond]

I've mentioned C before and she just thanks me for the information. She really doesn't want to do anything right now it seems.

After re-reading my post, I should clarify that I didn't really say that I was "disappointed in her". I think the point was that she should call to see how the kids are doing rather than distancing herself. The whole issue is that since her decision to leave, she's been distancing herself away from not just me, but the kids as well. Then when she gets into her "moods" she starts accusing me of keeping the children from her, etc. So it's those times that I "remind" her that I'm not keeping the kids from her. She is the one that is choosing to stay away from them. There's the difference that she doesn't seem to get.

I'm following the advice for those with spouses in MLC where the LBS is the moral rock.

Anywho, I'm trying my best to make it so she can open up more and feel "safe". And I'm trying to not be judgmental of her actions. I've already done as much changing as I can without any input from her, so the ball as to the R is in her court.

I've always built her up and I don't know if that was a problem before. I had done it so much that sometimes I feel like she took it for granted. I know that's what her boss, the OM, was doing but it's different when the boss is pumping you up as opposed to the H.

Any one else with any other suggestions?

[MrBond]

Update:

So this week was uneventful. On Saturday, she was at work half day, so I shot her an email wishing her a good day at work and that if she didn't have any weekend plans, I didn't have anything concrete to do with the girls and so she could come over or do something together.

She just emailed 'thanks'.

Saturday night when she calls to say 'goodnight' to the girls, I mention that she was welcome to join us at Mass Sunday morning and a movie after.

She said yes to the movie, but that she would call in the morning to see if she would make the Mass. I told her not a problem and that if she wanted to go to church that was her decision, but I would still ask her to join us if she wanted to.

Sunday rolls around and she calls to say that she will be coming to Mass with us. So I pick her up and she's quiet once more. She tells me that she went to bed at 9:30 and got up at 8. At Mass, she was quiet once more, but she did go up to receive Communion.

Afterwards, we had lunch and went to see Shrek 4. It's a bit ironic, but the whole moral of the story in Shrek was that you should appreciate the family you have and that you never appreciate something until it's gone.

There's even a line where Princess Fiona tells Shrek "you have a home, friends and children and a wife who love you very much. The only person who can't see that is you." I did a side glance at my W at that.

After the movie, I took her back to her sister's and had a great night with them.

I should add that as the day progressed, she did open up more and started talking like we used to. It's so weird how I can see her slowly emerging into her old self, but she's still really depressed (thus the sleeping all the time). I also did a bit more touching like on her shoulder or hugging her and she's been reciprocating a bit more and not pulling away.

[sandi2]

Well now, that doesn't sound bad. Not bad at all.

Did you nearly choke at the line in the movie? I can just see it. You could not resist that little sneak-peak at your W, could ya? (Or...maybe it wasn't sneaky at all?)

Having stuggled during many church services after my EA, I believe it takes a lot of strength for her to attend. It had to have been good to see her at least take Communion. That is progress from the last time I read about her going.

Oh, the time it takes to pull out of that mess! Some day, and soon I hope, she will appreciate her H more than all the other years put together. I know I have felt that way toward mine. When she sees how you've hung in there in spite of all she's put you through, and you've been a "man" throught-out this whole process, she will respect you more than ever.

I also did a bit more touching like on her shoulder or hugging her and she's been reciprocating a bit more and not pulling away.

Hummm, very interesting! So how are those sleep-overs working for you? (lol) Only Mr. Bond could do that and come out alive! By the time another few weekends or so runs around and she decides she might as well spend the night.....she may be ready to think about getting frisky! Well, maybe she'll think about being seduced?

You'll get there. I'll admit that I was worried for quite some time, but now.....I really think you two will make it. Besides, you've got God on your side. (Oh, don't get me to started.....I've been doing enough preaching for one night! (lol))

[courageous wife]

After reading your post, I'm trying to figure out how to get my H to take my kids to that movie!!!

Things are sounding very good for you.

[MrBond]

Thanks Sandi.

Last night when my W called, I did tell her say.."you know you have a warm home here with two beautiful D's and a H who loves you right?" She replied "I know."

For the sleepover, that was the first time we had shared a bed in over 7 months. She still doesn't stay over.

When you made the decision to stay, did you have that "trapped" feeling for awhile?

I think the main reason she hasn't done anything (come home or file for D) is fear.

She's afraid she's making the wrong decision getting M. She's afraid that she made the wrong decision with the OM. She's afraid of how the kids view her. She's afraid for her soul.

All this is what causes her to be defensive and most importantly, not take any ownership for her actions. Because if she actually "owned" up to her actions, it would make those actions that she believed to be right, all wrong. So she stays in a limbo state that causes her to be depressed.

This really is like a MLC case study. She's re-evaluating everything in her life and she seems to be convincing herself that being M was a mistake. Yet she comes over when invited, has been increasing interactions rather than decreasing.

[MrBond]

Actually Sandi, should I back off the invites? When I don't call or contact her, she doesn't do so. But when I do, she responds positively.

I guess I'm getting a little tired of doing all the work after 2 years.

[sandi2]

Last night when my W called, I did tell her say.."you know you have a warm home here with two beautiful D's and a H who loves you right?" She replied "I know."

This seems very sweet, but I would be very careful about saying it often b/c it could be a lot of pressure for her.

As far as backing off the invites....as long as she seems to cheerfully accept. The key word being "cheerful"--then that is your signal to continue. If you pick up on any attitude that she's accepting b/c you've pressed her into feeling like it's her duty, or something like that....then back off and be more sparing. If she joins you & the girls and brings a bad attitude with her....then I would not reward that with another invite right away. You'll know if she's not happy to be there. However, I don't think I would count one of her quiet times as a bad attitude.....know what I mean? But if she displays bad behavior toward you, then I certainly would back off.

[MrBond]

sandi,

Good idea. I think I called her out on that behavior last week. I told her that the only reason we've been able to get along is that I've been putting in the effort. And I gave her examples as to what she does that's disrespectful but I've been ignoring them. I asked her if I did...etc. to her, would she think it was rude. She said "yes" and so I told her that's what she's been doing.

I definitely didn't want to push the pursuing with what I said last night, but I figured I'll do it to test the waters and see her reaction.

While she accepts the invitations, it's not like she's enthusiastic about them. Heck I don't think I've seen her enthusiastic about anything for a long time. It's almost like she has a happiness ceiling that once she hits it, she can't show any emotion or go beyond it.

Is this how it was for you when you felt depressed?