"i feel like i'm at crossroads.
i either don't make the effort to db and go for the jugular.
or db and take the chance that it still may not save the m."

Which one is more productive?

Which one is likely to move you forward?

The goal.. is not to save your marriage. You have to save yourself first.. and foremost. This "stitch" will make you do all kinds of un-natural things. So much Emotion.. it just drives you to make bad choices. What does going for the jugular get you in the long run? Does it really help you.. or do you just think it will make you feel better?

"why do i feel like a fool?"

Its the nature of the beast. You feel like a fool.. cause right now you can't see that you are acting foolish. The digging, the stalking.. all of it.. does nothing for you. It does not help you solve the problem. It does not help you move forward. You think that if you get enough dirt.. it will make it easier to "give up". I get it.. really I do. I have been there and done that. Here is a little secret.. nothing will make this easier.. other than you just making a choice. This you gotta do on your own.. remember the flywheel?

"i need something to turn this around. maybe i just need a date or something."

Maybe. If you do that.. you need to make sure that you understand you can't sleep with this person.. you can't kiss. Does not matter if you are dating someone random.. or your H. You are not in a position to build a good relationship with anyone right now. Don't fall prey to the Emotion.. it will be a hollow and un-fulfilling experience for you.

"after all, my h left me so technically i'm not really married anymore."

Until you have the papers.. signed sealed and delivered.. you are married. Simple as that!

"cuz i don't have a choice."

Yes.. you do.

"then that means db-ing was about saving ourselves from the grip of depression."

A big part of it is. You keep missing the point that it starts with you. Baby steps!! Everything starts with something simple. Then you build on that. You can't work on saving your marriage if you are acting a fool. You can't. Trust me.. I tried. There is no quick fix. It is a process. You can't jump ahead.. you need the foundation in place.

I'll keep harping on ya.. I know you are still listening. It's ok if you don't believe me yet. It will hit you one day.. like a ton o bricks. We are getting there. I see the real you squirming around in there!


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.