Here goes with another thread and the continuing soap opera of Tal and Wolfie on As the Rez turns.
Last week, I found a billing that looks like Wolfie used my old cell phone and was still calling XOW up until moving back home. Could be or could be last year's unpaid bill still itemized on statement--according to cell phone company. Still waiting for answer on that one from the cell phone company.
Limbo Land had it's own challenges. So far, living together has had some challenges too. Mostly--knowing that I have to get a grip on myself about becoming irrationally suspicious and learning to trust again. I don't know if I will ever have complete trust again, just out of sheer self-protection.
But...even when I think I've got it worked out all logical and rational, I'll do something like waking up at night and thinking that H is downstairs on the computer talking to OW (no, he's just at work). Or...having the same gut-wrenching nightmares every few nights about walking into a store or coffee shop and finding H there with an OW. Or...snooping.
None of this fits with reality right now because things are really better in my R right now than in a long time--maybe better than ever before. I'm going to try listing various ways that there have been big improvements. I don't want to lose sight of the huge difference between the way Wolfie is behaving compared to how things were leading up to the bomb blast.
_____________________________________________________________ Before: He didn't talk about the future as though I would be in it with him. After: Now he talks about us being old together & cracks a lot of jokes about how we will be then.
Before: When I tried to talk to him about our R and how I was feeling, he'd shut me off and tell me I was wrong. If I didn't let him shut me down, he'd bellow and do a pissed-off little dance around the room, sometimes punching a wall or storming out and slamming the door. After: When I ask him direct questions, he will talk to me. If he realizes that I want to discuss something important, he gives me his full attention (even turns off the TV !). He listens and doesn't get impatient even when I have difficulty expressing myself. I know he is actually listening (not tuning me out) because later he brings up something I said weeks later after he's had some time to really think about it.
Before: He was very emotionally repressed and uncommunicative. Very afraid of feeling vulnerable and prone to running away and avoiding things. After: He has been much more open about his thoughts and feelings. He doesn't initiate any conversations that are deep, but if I do, he will sometimes start talking for a long time. He seems far less afraid of letting me know about his insecurities. He still tends to avoid and procrastinate in general, but is definately not running away from the hard stuff.
Before: He was often secretive and sometimes pretty sneaky. After: He says he is trying to live his life as an open book as a way to make amends and regain our trust.
Before: In the last few months before the bomb, he had very little interaction with the kids. After: He has been spending time hanging out with the boys and they talk over dinner.
Before: We had both pretty much given up on our sex life. After: They have pharmacuticals and herbal pills for that, even though I was the one who had to go get them--he wouldn't. Drastic improvement.
Before: He withdrew more and more from me physically. I noticed that he wouldn't sit by me, often wouldn't kiss me goodbye anymore, if I hugged him--he'd always end it first. I noticed that there was no affection in his smiles anymore and often he'd look at me in a way that was full of resentment. After: Now he often initiate physical affection--lot's of it. Most of the time there is affection and tenderness when he smiles at me. I have seen the look of resentment occasionally--but not directed at any of us. ____________________________________________________________
I really like how you have listed out the actions before and now. A great reminder of how very much things have changed now in you two's lives and interactions.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
WOW! Your finally on the OTHER side of things by your list. How you longed for that in the past. How we all have. I'm so very happy for you. Your the second post tonight I've read where things have definately done a 180 in your R. He's come out on the other side finally. You have to join him there Tal. Screw the pnone records. Look at how he is treating you. Even if he DID talk to her-what's that mean? It means that he TALKED to her. Who knows about what? Who cares? Don'tlet it eat away at you. He's with YOU because he wants to be there. Don't let past hurts sabotage what you now have. I'm in the same boat. I've really even gotten almost to the point where I'm not even threatened by my H talking to the OW. It freaked meout at first I admit. But, the more I thought about it the more I know that he is moving AWAY from her and towards me. It's the actions that speak louder than words. The OW will be out of your lives. Just keep moving forward with him. FORWARD TAL..........Rachael
Tal, please heed Rachael's words. Wolfie wouldn't be doing no where near as many of these things you listed if he continued to have emotional ties to OW. I have to admit, I feel a bit jealous of what you have now.
... and those fear and insecurities are part of the aftermath, but put faith in that ... as long as you remain true to your new self, Wolfie will be reaffirmed daily that he has made the right choice to live his life with you ... and those demons will become powerless over you.
Tal -- what a wonderful list...and such a wise approach for you to get the reality down -- in black and white! I think I may have to try that myself...hmmm. thanks for the inspiration.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
RMC: Hey, like I told you in your thread--we'll have to watch each other for that XOW obsessing stuff.
KAW: Do you know how envious I used to be sometimes when I first came to Piecing but was still way lost in Limbo Land? I guess we are pretty much all in the same process, just at different stages.
SAGE: It does help, doesn't it? You've had some pretty dramatic changes in your R, too. I know that even after things started really turning around for you, you still struggled for a long time. My C told me that people who have experienced major betrayal before, especially in childhood, have a more difficult time recovering from infidelity. I know that's true for me, but I have to work it out here--where I am with people who understand--so I don't sabotage my R with Wolfie.
Atta girl Tal! Keep coming here to vent and put a voice to your insecurities and fears of betrayal. The people on this BB WANT you to succeed-your SO close. I know it IS hard for anyone, and I think your right-especially those of us that were abandoned or betrayed as children. We have deep seated issues that come out full throttle when the ones we think we can trust the most betray us. The thing is- they have issues too. Its obvious by their actions. We know in our heart that this is not really who they are when they are in that tunnel. That's what keeps us going and hanging on. The thing is, they come out-at least most of them eventually do,and those of us who hang in there long enough finally see them start to come out and attempt to make amends. The hardest thing for us to do is trust again, but we HAVE to. Yes,it's a risk, but one we have to take if we want our lives back with our S. They messed up big time. We are not the only ones that have to live with that. They do too. The hardest thing they have to do is forgive themselves. I know because I was a WAS several yrs back. I never dreamed my H would go through a harder time than me. And for SO LONG! When I came to my senses I could actually feel how badly I had hurt my H. There was NOTHING I could do to reverse the damage I had done. All I could do was love him as best I knew how and promised him I would never leave him or cheat on him again. I never did. I never will. We are giving our H unconditional love by taking them back and loving them despite what they have put us through. Would we ever stop loving our children no matter what they did? We have unconditional love for them. I have the same for my H. He knows that now. No one can come between us unless we let them Tal. We will watch out for each other as we know there will be those times we will have to come here and lay our fears out on the table. We have not come this far to fail now........Rachael
The Rez seems to be turning just the way it's supposed to be! You sound great! Your attitude is great! Wolfie's changes are great! And you know, Tal, you deserve a lot of the credit! The changes you have made have caused Wolfie to look at his own behavior and change, too!
!). He listens and doesn't get impatient even when I have difficulty expressing myself. I know he is actually listening (not tuning me out) because later he brings up something I said weeks later after he's had some time to really think about it. 
