Yes I thought that too Kat, if I were in her shoes, I would want to 'put on a show', I am sure.
The better things get, the more upset I get about the past. We are doing our wedding music, songs that matter to us, songs I listened to when he went NC the second time. Theres one lyric in a special song "and I wonder where you are now".
I remember listening to that and crying and crying, when he was seeing Helen and I didnt even know where he was, or where he was living. How he spent his time, with her.
We all have our wounds from these sitches and for me, it was that - it was incomprehensible that this person who I was so close to for 12 years could stop all contact with me and I didnt even know where he lived.
We have talked alot, but theres alot we havent talked about. That summer when he stopped contact and started seeing her and left me to find out from his friends and then deal with our tenants and rerenting our house without so much as a text message even. It just feels so cruel and yet, this is the man who lies beside me every day? Explaining it here makes me realise how upset I am, in fact.
And I dont really buy that it was because he was in a terrible state/depressed/bad place - he had just started a new relationship !! He admitted to me that it was new and different and he thought he was happy with her in the beginning. I also am having trouble forgetting the photos I sadly saw. The ones of her tousled and smiling contentdly in bed, where he had taken photos from the foot of the bed, seem to be emblazoned on my mind. I keep saying... but you must have loved her, or had amazing s*x to have been inspired to jump out of bed and take her picture afterwards...Now we are so ok.. that just kills me.
Theres me asking K to work on letting it go and of course I need to also! I dont say much to bf about it and there is no way I would leave him of course. Its just a difficult time, a last bit of processing maybe.
I guess I feel under quite a bit of stress trying to 'forget', maybe thats why my hair is falling out !!
