Completely Blindsided

[blind]

Hi Pei - Thanks... as you can see throughout this thread, it's something that comes and goes like the tides. I have some days that are amazingly up, and others that scrape along the bottom... and sometimes I have them both at the same time. I'm sure thats true for all of us here.

Moon - It's a good idea, it really is. If she was going to call she would have done so by now today, but I've gone into work early, so she would have to speak with my parents and leave a message (I still hate the idea that I'm nearly 30 and living with my parents!!).

I'll leave it a few days before replying to her. You're right with what you said before, these methods really feel counterproductive, like somehow you're validating their behaviour or giving them permission, ie: "My spouse actually DOESN'T care about me, I guess it's alright to move on and start dating...". I know that's not the case, and I'm starting to see the logic in the steps... it's just hard to do. I get the theoretical part of it, just not the emotional part.

Now it's going to be a waiting game to see how long I can go without replying before I claw all of my hair out...

[blind]

Maybe it's just because I'm tired, but WOW is my mood swinging.

One minute I'm mucking around and joking with new co-workers, and the next I'm crashing and burning and struggling not to cry in the office.

This is ridiculous. How do I plan a day around this? How do you function?

Seriously... any recomendations on this? I'm doing exercise until I'm barely able to move... then what?

[fullmoon]

then... feed the white dog, keep feeding!

[blind]

So... I got a call this afternoon that my dinner plans on Thursday have been cancelled - got a mate who invited me round, but has forgotten to confirm it... so it has to be put off till next week.

Got to the dance studio ready to hammer myself silly... to find it shut with a sign saying all classes cancelled today. Bugger.

Still having troubles with weekend planning.

...now I have nothing planned until Monday next week... crud. Any thoughts?!

[PEI]

Maybe it's just because I'm tired, but WOW is my mood swinging.

One minute I'm mucking around and joking with new co-workers, and the next I'm crashing and burning and struggling not to cry in the office.

This is ridiculous. How do I plan a day around this? How do you function?

Seriously... any recomendations on this? I'm doing exercise until I'm barely able to move... then what?

One foot in front of the other, one moment at a time. That's how I 'handle' it. My DB coach suggested youtube videos, comedies, etc to help me laugh and it works. Sometimes you have to just get outside and walk and cry or whatever works to let it out. Trust me, it DOES get easier - and no, I didn't believe that a couple months ago.

I still have good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments ... but the good come more easily and more frequently as of late.

My suggestion for this weekend? Do something new ... take in a show, eat in a new restaurant ... go by yourself and people watch ... make it a goal to meet 3 new people ... treat yourself to a massage ... or do something you've always wanted to try but haven't had a chance to ...

PEI

[blind]

Hey Moon - I'm trying... it's not always easy and it doesn't always work... but I am trying.

PEI - Thanks for the honesty. I've had a lot of people tell me that it'll get better, but no one who said that they didn't believe it when told in the same sitch.

The problem with walking outside and crying is that it's the middle of office hours. I'm really trying to hold it together in the office so that I can prove it's not something that will affect my work (not that most people at work know or anything, but if I randomly burst into tears, they'd REALLY catch on).

I can feel the flux of the good/bad moments, and it's when I'm busy or distracted that the good come. I'm starting to worry that I've been pushing forwards so hard that although I feel terrible, the worst hasn't hit yet. Just an odd sensation that I feel like Willie Coyote holding an umbrella with a growing shadow overhead.

I'm trying to figure out new things that I haven't tried and want to check out.... there are a few movies I want to see, but I hate the idea of going alone. People watching I also end up stewing.

Meeting 3 people sounds like an interesting plan... I might give that one a shot.

Massage... I don't know... I've not been touched much recently (outside of dancing), and well... everytime I am, even when my mother reaches out and pats my shoulder or tries to hug me, my body shudders uncontrollably... I just don't really know how to deal with it.

It's quite difficult finding new things as I'm in a pretty small town (it's a big named one, but it's still oddly small!). I'm trying to build the social group up, find more things to do with my time.

I'll keep updating with how it goes.

[PEI]

The problem with walking outside and crying is that it's the middle of office hours. I'm really trying to hold it together in the office so that I can prove it's not something that will affect my work (not that most people at work know or anything, but if I randomly burst into tears, they'd REALLY catch on).

Oh, I hear ya on this! I don't know how many times I found myself hiding in a bathroom stall or just getting up from my desk and heading out for a 5 minute break ... my coworkers (except one) were in the dark until recently (and my journey started in January!) but they've told me they knew something was up they just didn't want to interfere. If you can use the internet at work there is a youtube video of people just laughing ... it's corney but it works ... or anything else that would make you laugh ...

I can feel the flux of the good/bad moments, and it's when I'm busy or distracted that the good come. I'm starting to worry that I've been pushing forwards so hard that although I feel terrible, the worst hasn't hit yet. Just an odd sensation that I feel like Willie Coyote holding an umbrella with a growing shadow overhead.

Yeah, I've cycled through a few times, and the worst part is it can sneak up on you. The good news is that the opposite is also true ... I remember the first movie I went to see and I was about 45 minutes into it when I realized I hadn't been thinking about my sitch at all - which of course made me think about my sitch ... but within a few minutes I was distracted again.

Massage... I don't know... I've not been touched much recently (outside of dancing), and well... everytime I am, even when my mother reaches out and pats my shoulder or tries to hug me, my body shudders uncontrollably... I just don't really know how to deal with it.

This makes me sad ... and it makes me want to hug you but I guess that probably wouldn't help much huh Seriously though, I'm guessing this will get better with time ... and if a massage is out, find another way to pamper yourself ... pedicure ... new jeans ... something

It's quite difficult finding new things as I'm in a pretty small town (it's a big named one, but it's still oddly small!). I'm trying to build the social group up, find more things to do with my time.

I hear ya on this too ... I live just outside a town of 35,000 .... and it's the biggest town around for several hours drive ... not too many options here either.

Hang in there ((((blind))))

PEI

[blind]

PEI, you seem to be on a very similar page here. I have only told the two coworkers so far, and they had no idea anything was wrong. One of them even burst into tears and just kept saying "But, how! Oh my, you're so strong" over and over.

Nice validation in some ways... but now that they know they're asking loads of questions.

Not really supposed to use the net at work... I DO, but I shouldn't. But a vid of people laughing? You're right, that DOES sound corny! might give it a shot though...

Films I'm not dealing too well with at the moment... as you said, the mind wanders.

I made it through a 45minute tv show last night, but that was a struggle, and the first time I'd been able to do it.

And yeah, I completley agree that the sitch creeps back on you, and if you ever notice the absence of a reminder, then that in itself becomes the reminder. I almost feel guilty for not thinking about it sometimes.

I've been buing a few new clothes recently, mainly because I tossed all the old ones out when we were preparing for the move. My parents gave us a budget for Christmas and Birthdays for the last year. The money for my wife is still sat there...
But I've grabbed a few bits and pieces. I've dropped one size so far and there's a lot more room around the gut, and less room around the arms, so I'm doing something right. I'm also normally fairly conservative, so I'm trying to be a bit more out there with what I wear.
But physical pampering... I think that one's out for the next little while.

but wow, it sounds like you're based in the midddle of nowhere. I'm a bit better off, but still finding myself at a bit of a loss. I'm contacting people at least and doing my darndest... it's just a slow process, and I'm feeling very impatient at the moment.

Thanks for the support though PEI, you're very sweet.

[blind]

OK, so... I'm in the house.

It's very dark and cold outside, but only 6:45.

I have money.

I can't do anything too late because I have work tomorrow.

All of the people I still know in town are busy... those that I can get through to.

I have no car, and no license even if I did.

Movies tear me apart, but the chop change nature of things like the news (or my father's conversation... he's having one of his episodes tonight) aren't helping me either.

Crime is going up in the local area, and people are telling me to stay off the streets at night.

... and I am going out of my gourd.

I have a whole night of thinking ahead of me, what the hell do I do with my time??! I want to ball up, shut out the world and just cry... except that the thought of that is what's making me collapse! Damn viscous circle!

A month ago this would have been a pleasant night in, now it feels like a prison cell.

Whenever I get too dark, I'm dropping and pushing up another 30 reps.

I keep thinking - if this had happened back there I have a support network. I know people. I could have been out of the house every night.

I also (of course) fixate on what she said - "If you hadn't left, this wouldn't of happened. I wouldn't have had the distance to think without you and realise how unhappy I am".

dammit.

[fullmoon]

PEI's right, one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time.

If you want to ball up shut out the world and just cry, why not?
Often I waited to be alone in the house and just cried and cried which made me feel so much better... I didn't feel so choked up anymore at least for a little while. Gotta let it out somehow.
At times I was crying so hard like a child it made me smirk a bit (going crazy? hehe)

so I see that there wasn't much on meet.com in your area.

PEI's watching funny youtube video idea sounds good, some are so funny and silly.

What about Japanese lesson videos on youtube? Or learning dance moves on youtube?