Hey K, you hit the nail on the head, exactly as I was trying to explain - you see surrendering, dropping your gaurd /bariers and letting go of this constant struggle in your heart and mind..as giving in and you dont want to do that. You dont want to have to 'give in' after what he did.
But maybe dont see it as 'giving in', see it as gaining something, like you said, the beginning of a truly soild, loving, relationship with your H which has survived the worst. Imagine how much better you would feel if you could 'let go' of all your anger, disgust, hurt, upset and helplessness as you put it! Just let the joy in that your life is going in the right direction, going forwards with the husband you could never give up on and the father of your kids.
I understand this must be a very hard thing to do, considering the scale of the betrayal. Maybe IC would help? Maybe you just need more time. Talking to H is probably the biggest help of all hey. Can you tell him next time you feel so low, that you just need more time to 'let go' of it, without resorting to mentioning D? Just.. perhaps he needs to relax and not push so hard for you and the M to be 'ok', just let it naturally unfold?
I understand your obsession, especially with the scale of your sitch and her knowing H was M. Even in my sitch, I get nervous when I see a brunette near work, ridiculous I know. I would shake like a leaf if I saw her! H is right, you can hold your head high, she is the one that should be worried if you saw her.
I agree with Kat, H talking to a female friend is the 'male' equivalent of sharing and getting help here. He probably is at a loss at how to help you and was seeking some reassurance? xx
