So I met with the stbxW. I was the model of cool, calm, and collected. But then we are the cordial, polite D couple. The financial part of this D is going to be completely business-like, agreeable, and fair.
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In my case if it went too smoothly, I would be upset because he didn't seem to care enough about me to try and keep us together.
Yep. Just what I was thinking. There was one crying episode from the stbxW, but that was it. She still can't say "divorce". She is mostly upset over the loss of security in emergency funds, since it looks like she will have to pay me off. My thoughts were "you wanted this. No sense crying now".
That part was the easy part. When we finished I asked if she had any questions; relationship or otherwise. She said no. I should have left it at that and shut up and left. I guess I needed some satisfaction. I said:
1) Two months ago I would have done anything to save this M. But now I've seen what awaits me on the other side of this and my standards for myself are much higher and she didn't meet them. She has had months alone to change. I've made changes to myself, she has done nothing. Even if she wanted to change, I doubted she could do it. I had settled for her and I was done settling. She really didn't like that.
2) She really didn't like me hanging up first when she called. I didn't tell her I was DB'ing, I said it was because the conversation was always lagging and she never wanted to talk about our relationship and I was afraid I would get emotional. Best to hang up. I didn't think to say, "Ya could call me anytime you wanted. You only called when I said it was a goal in MC."
3)Said "Well W. You asked me in MC why I was resentful of you. Well, it's because you don't care. Not about our house, our life together, our M, or me. She said "Well. It's felt like you haven't cared about me. Maybe it became a vicious circle." I agreed and we decided not to play the blame game.
4)I said I still believed something happened to cause her to abruptly leave. Either it was an affair or she ran out of gas, but I didn't believe a married woman would leave so unexpectedly solely because she ran out of gas. She said "H you are right. The second thing happened and then the first."
Well hallelujah!! I finally got an answer. Rob, Puppy, Pearl you were right. Add it to the books. God it feels good to not wonder if I am crazy. Certainly not easy to hear, but at this point I can deal with it.
She did have a surprise. She is still going to IC, the last time was two weeks ago when I asked her to provide a preliminary D breakdown. Her body language says she is very upset, but I focus on her actions. No attempt to fix any of this. Proud of her new apartment. No attempts to even contact me.
I'm sure our remaining sessions will be back to business only for the remainder of the D. It was nice to get some answers though.
