Thanks everyone. I know in my heart that nothing would change going on like it was. I am going through some grieving but all-in-all I am really okay. There are things I will miss but there are many things I won't. I loved the caring, kind and giving man my H once was...he is only that way now on his schedule using his rules. Asking him now to consider my feelings is like plunging a dagger in him.
At the beginning of the year when we had been NC for 6 weeks, he said he was ready to move home. Once he knew he was back in with me, he quickly back pedaled. If I wasn't seeing this firsthand, I wouldn't have believed someone could act this way and be so scared to move in any direction. The things that he says and does sometimes make no sense to anyone except him. He says...he loves me. He is happiest when he is with me and my kids. He isn't happy being alone. Money and material things don't bring him happiness. Work doesn't make him happy. He doesn't want to get involved with someone new. He wants to move back...but he can't! He says all of this and more yet he thinks the problem in our relationship is a mutual. Granted it may not be perfect but I know I am not the root of the problem. Maybe we are both insane...him, for just making no sense and me, for doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
I do feel a strange sense of peace right now. I have never felt like this in the 3+ years since he walked out. Something has snapped. I don't really care where he is or what he is doing. I am not looking at my phone waiting for him to call or text. I have doubts that I would want him back even if he got his act together. I have not needed him for a very long time and now I really don't want him. I hope I can stay on this path.
OP-Thanks for the hug!
Andabelle and DiamondGirl-Thanks. I agree it is his loss!
trapt-My H is ithe epitomy of stuck. To a degree, I have been stuck too waiting and now I am wondering why. I feel like this situation has only been holding me back from really working on myself and growing. Now I want to really focus on me. Thanks for your kind words.
HB-Thank you for being so supportive...I hope I didn't let you down. I know I have always had a choice, I was never really ready to end it before now. It was time to make a choice and obviously he wasn't ready to make one. I just couldn't take one more night of excuses or blaming someone else. I deserve someone who looks forward to being with me and is willing to make an effort more often than whenever he feels like it. I deserve someone who make me feel special, not uncomfortable that I might say or do the wrong thing. I deserve someone wants to make me happy. And someday, I want to find someone who deserves all these things in return. At this point, I don't care if my H ever feels the loss. This isn't about him anymore...maybe it is time for my MLC.
Grace-I am clear but I wish I could say that I have no regrets or anger...I do but it is more with myself. I gave my H too many chances...so many that he told me the other night that I have cried wolf too many times. Funny huh! How many times has he cried wolf either coming or going?...he can never look in the mirror. Anyway, my kids are fine and too busy dealing with their own stuff to get too involved with me and my H. I guess that is a good thing. Thanks for asking. How are you and your girls?
glam-I know my H is still in crisis but I don't believe he will finish it as long as I'm in the picture. He can just continue on with his selfish ways and not be accoutable if I put up with it. I don't have to...I am no longer afraid of divorce. It was never what I wanted but I really am not sure I would want him back now. I can't take anymore of his selfishness. My H is supposably filing the paperwork on Friday. Right now, it is what I want. I guess the progress he had made just wasn't enough for me. What is going on with you? Hope you are doing well. Let me know when you are coming to CA, we will meet up.
