WHy are you calling OW a "friend" and enabling all of this?
I just don't understand any of the strategy here...
After the divorce he is always going to be saying "YOU wanted the divoce, YOU told me to file"
MB28, just DETACH.. the divorce paperwork is JUST PAPER... let HIM file it... YOU just live your life... stop fixating YOUR sanity of if a piece of paper is filed.
He's walking all over you right now.. you agreed not to introduce kids to anyone new and here he is diong it anyways...
I would SHUT him OUT and STOP COMMUNICATING... stop enabling him... DE TACH emotionally and physically.. forget the paperwork and get OUT of the marriage EMOTIONALLY so you can think straight... do NOT tell him to file, he will blame YOU for the divorce...
OW is probably pressuring him to file too... That's likley what yoru H wants is for BOTH you and OW to agree for him to file.. so you BOTH are in agreement.. he doens't want to hurt anyone so he's manipulating you BOTH into getting him to file...I say make her wait ... She will likley lose patience if you keep tight and don't ask him to file...
It's ok, you can TELL him you don't want to ahve anything to do with him, but that YOU kept YOUR mariage commitment and will NOT act to support divorce.... that is HIS mistake and he will have to OWN the DIVORCE for the REST of his LIFE... It's HIS DIVORCE
He wants to turn ownership of the divorce to YOU... so its YOUR fault later on.. he wont' have to take the blame if the kids ask why later on..
I KNOW you are wishy washy, this is why for months I have been reccomending :
a. Detcach or... b. Find an itnermediary to talk on your behalf if you CANT detach...
I am advocating as usual, B, because you make it pretty clear he walks all over you and ouc an't find the strength to fight him... I've been tehre .. so I say let someone else tell him to go to he11...
Have THEM tell him the divorce is ALL his and you will NOT AGREE to him filing. It's HIS MESS and if HE wants to run away from his maritcal obligations instead of rebuilding them
a. He has to own that cowardly act, you refuse b. He has to own that when the kids ask why you two stopped being a family.. YOu didn't want that... HE did.. and him alone
Again, do NOT negotiate with him, ask someone ELSE to do it..
Hell, if you can't find anyone, give me his # and I will do it.
H wanted to come over tonight to talk. His first question was: "Are you sure your done and want me to file?"
Me: Are you done, do you want the divorce? H: No, I change my mind every day. I don't know what I want Me: For 6 months you have told me everything that I've done wrong. Some of it I agree with and others I do not. H: I just don't see how it will ever work Me: I'm sorry you feel that way. I can not give you any guarantee that it will work between us, but it's worth trying H: I did try, for 4 years Me: I appreciate that you tried. However, I didn't know that you were unhappy and I was never given the chance to meet you half way H: I just don't want to always rehash these last 6 months. And I know that you will hold this over my head for the rest of our lives. Me: I don't want to rehash all this either that is why we need therapy. We need to learn how to work our these issues so we can move forward. I done not trying anything and I'm done being hurt H: What am I doing that is hurting you? Me: You know, and I don't want to bring that issue up H: She is just a friend Me: It's a friendship I'm uncomfortable with. And there can never be an us if you guys are friends H: See you are trying to control me Me: I'm sorry you feel that, but that is not true. It's your life, your choice not mine. I'm just telling you what I'm willing to accept H: So do you want me to file Me: I never wanted this marriage to end and I don't want a divorce, but I am done not doing nothing. I understand you feel you need time, but your not just going to wake up someday and decide to come home. You need to either make a leap of faith towards our marriage or out of it. It's your choice. H: Maybe we should try therapy then.
I will see my therapist tonight, and he wants me to ask if he'll see both of us next week. I wasn't expecting that, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up either.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
If your husband wants you guys to REALLY see a therapist then HE needs to call and talk to the therapists. That is what I recommend. I had MANY convos with husband like you had above and when he said that he would see a therapists (at my suggesting) I found one that met his criteria, set up the appointment, and in the end it was all fake! I am not 100% sure this will happen in your case but just be cautious. If you have to mention the appointment to your husband without him asking YOU about it then I would be cautious. If he REALLY wants to go to therapy then he will mention it like "hey mb, when is our appointment." Let him bring it up...don't even tell him you scheduled it in MY opinion. I don't want to project what happened in my stitch to you but just saying that I bent over backwards to make an appointment, we went three times and the affair was still going on.
This time husband actually made his own appointment and has continued to make his own appointment. I had to make the first one (due to insurance issues) but that was only after husband had the office call me to ask me to make the appointment and verify my insurance info. So the conclusion that I have come to is that is a person is ACTUALLY willing and motivated then they will show some initiative (even if it is just a little). Don't do all the work for him...and yes I am writing this as advice to myself :-)
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
You know your husband best, I honestly don't like this strategy, but if it works, great!
I am not liking it either and probably for the same reason.
Possible scenario: H is looking for proof that you will not be able to work things out. He will find it in therapy. As you know, it doesn't take much for him to 'find' justifications.
Be very careful. Tell your T these concerns. Maybe just talk about his "A" and ending his "friendship before any couples work can occur. IDK...just sayin'
Maybe you 2 can make an agreement to not bring up D for a couple of months. You both get frustrated, and jump to the D really quick.
((((Hugs)))) mb. I know how hard it is to hear about OW and H. I can't imagine hearing it from the kids, and about plans that include them. Arghhhh. All you are really hearing about is a fantasy world and I'm sorry they are involving the kids. It would be very mature of him to keep OW away from kiddos while you are still married. Even if they are 'just friends', they are acting/planning like partners.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
The first thing a FT needs to straighten out is your H's interpretation of "control"
Your H's idea of being controlled is someone NOT supporting him doing whatever he pleases.
It seems that whenever he wants to do something that causes conflict, he accuses you of controlling him...
He need to learn how to spell "cooperation" and "negotiation"... accusing people of controlling him at the drop of a hat at the slightest sign of discomfort is passive aggressive BS and he needs to grow the hell up.
My H also "agreed" to see someone together once he thought I was ready to move on. But in the end it was only a ploy to keep me hanging on to the hope that we were going to be able to work things out.
He never had any intention of actually listening to what the therapist had to say or working on things... afterward he actually accused me and the therapist of setting him up so we could tell him what a bad guy he is.
Be very cautious mb28
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
