Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[gatsby11]

Gotta echo the polite/friendly thing in the face of 'rejection'- awful! But I guess for me, I try to think of it as something I have to do as an homage (right word?) to our past. You can keep it up!

[Babydoll]

Sorry, havent posted... PC is down at home. Went to classes last night with H. Today went to OB appointment, H showed up.

I feel like he is a complete stranger. Dont even have the urge to be nice or polite. Dont love this monster. Dont respect this alien at all.

Told him its over. Dont want to hear him tell me he cares for me just not the way I want him too. Maybe I dont want him to care for me anymore. Why in the world would I want H to try to fall back in love with me knowing he is capable of this. I give up. I no longer want to think of him. Told him that the past few weeks I feel like I am still sacrificing my happiness for his. Ok i was really happy the first week, sad the next and this week, I feel hatred and anger and resentment towards him.

I really do not want him in my life. Told him no more birthing classes, no need for him to be at the birth. Dont want him in my life. He thinks being a part time dad is a great thing, and i cant try to make him be a father figure that we once dreamed of together. So what, my child will not have a great father... big deal... so many people turned out to have wonderful fulfilled lives and had shitty dads too.

Thanks everyone for your support. But sitting next to him in the waiting room, or when he drives me to birthing classes, i feel absolutely NO connection to him. Dont have anything to talk to him about. Find him staring at me or my belly. Actually makes me feel uncomfortable. I find myself thinking this is pointless.

He didnt do anything or say anything, just his politness makes me think of the 'neighbor who got me pregnant'. and Frankly if my neighbor did, I wouldnt include him in anything anyways!

Guess this 'friend' thing was a way for me to see that H and I will never ever work out. I dont see him ever loving me or caring for me like a husband should. I am not going to chance my life in doing so...

Right now I am officially over it. I have reached my end.

I dont believe H will ever change his mind.... if he cant love me NOW when I need the support and affection, then I dont ever want it from him.

I am entirely too good to have to sit and wait for a guy to love me. I am not perfect! But i am a darn great person! and i deserve someone who know it entirely and never loses sight of it... I dont care if he is going through a mental crisis or not.

I am so angry... so hurt. I feel so disgusted with myself for having given him the chance. At the time, didnt feel like i was giving him a chance, i honestly thought i was a bit over the anger and doing whats best for the baby. I really dont care anymore... so my son will grow up and hate me for not letting his father in... big deal... dont we all hate our parents for something or other.

Think its time I move from the house and get my belongings... dont want to be there with the baby and have H think he has easy access to his son when he can fit it into his schedule. Im tired of the past. I have to start all over and maybe this is the only way how.

I feel so used and disgusting. I feel like this H is not the kind of person I would ever associate myself with nor want to love or spend my life with.

I hope he wakes up one day and regrets it all... and I hope even more that I can look at him and say ILYBININILWY.

Guess I learned my lesson the hard way.

Im over it.

Its done...

[Piano]

BD, I am glad I turned my computer on at this moment and I hope you are there at the other end?
First of all, the biggest hug you have ever had is coming your way from me. I'm with you. This is how I feel about my WH and it's what happens when you let them back in your life when you are not ready. You weren't to know you were not ready, but now you do. It make take some time, weeks, before you shift again and it's important this time now is about YOU and processing what you are feeling right now.
I also want to validate you and say that no one could argue with how you are feeling. WH IS an alien and you don't need the alien at such close quarters right now. It's your call - and you called it. That's fine. Right now, YOU make the decisons. Not him. OK? And you be proud of that.
You have been treated like utter sh!t, but you are not disgusting for trying to be the bigger person and make the best of a very, very, very hard situation. You are courageous and all of us admire your strength because we know what it takes. This is you reclaiming your dignity and asking a very important question: is your H an alien currently wizzing in outerspace for whatever reason, or is he a man of value you want to spend your life with?
I am not sure the answer is 100% there yet, but it's clear that for now you need some time out from him.
You do not have to fight to save your marriage. Not now. Maybe not ever. You can backburner this WH and his problems. You and the baby will be fine - everything you say is true and no one expects you to be perfect (what IS that anyway?). Your son will understand one day that you did everything you could possibly do. You are the winner, your WH is a loser (sorry, it's true).

Not that it really matters BD, but how did he respond when you said all that?

Also, if you change your mind later down the track and want to include him back in your life in some way (and you'll probably have to given he's the biological dad and super keen to be present), I don't think you have blown anything.

But that's not where you are at right now, so don't give that last para much thought!

[Piano]

Why in the world would I want H to try to fall back in love with me knowing he is capable of this.

BD, you are right. You don't want H back in your life as your life-partner at 'any price'. I guess one way to look at this whole DBing thing is to find out the answers to many questions, and particularly about ourselves..what kind of life we want, what values are important, who we want to share it with.

I think so far you have been making changes in yourself, but so has your WH. This thing is not static. It's going to evolve again. It's Ok to throw in the towl - maybe you can do that by accepting ewhat you can change and what you can't. Lose your expectations of him. Let him go on his journey. You take yours. You can handle it. You don't know where it is going to lead.

I guess what I am trying to say today is go through these emotions, don't contact him for a while, until you see where you are headed next.

* I'm leaving in 15mins to go to see my therapist, but will be back in a few hours and will check in with you then. You are in my thoughts!

[gatsby11]

I echo everything Piano just said! You've got time before the birth. NC and GAL are wonderful gifts that you can enjoy guilt-free for a while.

[newmama]

I feel like he is a complete stranger. Dont even have the urge to be nice or polite. Dont love this monster. Dont respect this alien at all.

Been there, for sure!!! But it comes and goes. It might with you as well.

I give up. I no longer want to think of him. Told him that the past few weeks I feel like I am still sacrificing my happiness for his. Ok i was really happy the first week, sad the next and this week, I feel hatred and anger and resentment towards him.

You know something...it sounds almost like you have gone through a grief cycle. Grieving what you deserve and didn't get? Maybe you will truly detach for awhile now.

I am so angry... so hurt. I feel so disgusted with myself for having given him the chance. At the time, didnt feel like i was giving him a chance, i honestly thought i was a bit over the anger and doing whats best for the baby. I really dont care anymore... so my son will grow up and hate me for not letting his father in... big deal... dont we all hate our parents for something or other.

Babydoll, giving him the chance takes strength! At the same time, we don't have to take them back and if we do get rid of him it shows we are strong too! And your son will not hate you- he would respect you for trying and/or for deciding not to put up with the treatment.

Seriously, we have a win-win situation going on. The WASs of pregnant wives have a "draw"-lose. If they come back, they have to put up with explaining why they left and the long haul of earning trust back. But coming back shows strength. So I say it is a "draw" more than a "win." If they walk away, they totally lose everything. Including their self respect.

I realize you posted this while feeling low and maybe tomorrow you will have a different perspective. I have been there! But it will be interesting to see what your H does now that YOU have walked away! Check out 4luv's thread in the infidelity forum to see what her H had to say about her while he was gone.

[Babydoll]

I spoke with H last night and basically cried and told him how awful a person he is. How awful for getting me pregnant when he thought he was losing his feeling for me (denies that he felt it in October) and how him leaving as opposed to staying in the house when he did recognize his feeling added more distance and we never gave a chance to see what if.

I told him how disgusting his action were, and that in the past few times we've been around each other, i feel nothing for him (huge lie) and that i hate him, would never take him back (H was probably smiling and happy) and how our son will grow up to hate him.

H was really upset, didnt reply much (which I hate). Said i go through these cycles and he knows tomorrow (meaning today) i will be sending him an email telling him i'm sorry or that i do want him involved, etc. I AM NOT!!! Will cut off my fingers before i do! That's the problem, he thinks I will always be here for him. Makes me so angry.

Told him he needs to stay out of my life, because if he doesnt see and appreciate the good in me to want to fall in love with me or think of the wonderful years we spent togetehr and say hey i want that back, then i dont want him in my life at all.

if i hear from him one more time 'i care for you just not the way a husband should' will bite him! I said i dont need someone caring for me like a friend. i have a great family/friends support system...dont need more caring friends. H coming with me to the docs or birthing classes this week made me feel like i was still so alone.

maybe i am not ready. i honestly was okay and cool with H just being there for baby stuff... this weekend I was extra sensitive and realized he is not there for me.

Also H told me the ticket he had for graduation was in the 'overflow' room... WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN!!! Is it a room with a TV/monitor or where the extras go!!! So i politely said, I am not overflow... I am either there as your wife or nothing at all... I sacrificed my life, my happiness and most of all my marriage to you for 31 months to get you through school, and if I am not front and center then i do not want to be there. H got sad and tried to excuse himself by saying that he know BIL is graduating the same day and that he knows my mom will be sitting with a ticket in overflow so he thought i could sit with her. UMmmm NO! Then went on to say the 3 seats were for his parents and his sister and she is due to have her baby in 2 weeks, so most likely she will not go... I replied with I do not want second hand seats. Clearly you do not care if I am there, so i am not going.

next week might be the hardest week for me yet. Tuesday = Graduation/6 years we got engaged. Friday = 12 years since we started dating. Can I sleep the whole week through and wake up in June?

I wish i did have the stregnth to keep H around for the baby and not have any expectations... I honestly felt that way for a long bit of this saga... but this week, i lost all stregnth. I feel week. Sadder than I have been in a while.

We sat at doc's office yesterday and she asked about my 'baby plan' and 'birthing plan'. She turned to H and I when speaking and went on and on about being a team and how it was extremely hard work, and sleeping and eating and being there for one another, and how H should go above and beyond to accommodate me since I am breastfeeding, and H agreed and shook his head, with a huge smile... Felt like yelling and saying are you really going to do all that from your childhood bedroom at your parents home???

[Babydoll]

H's extended family has been reaching out... went to dinner with H's aunt and she is angry with him, kept asking how I wasnt so angry (think this pumped me up for some of my feelings). She gave me a gift for the baby... understands the entire situation and said my wish for you is that someone would come take you off of your feet... my nephew will never find anyone as great as you... she also said she plans to come visit and see me and the baby. She understands why I didnt want a shower with his family, and that i will not attend H's family functions. She is too good. always was.

SIL came over with a huge basket of baby goodies... she is due in 2 weeks... we had a good time, she left in tears. guess with her being pregnant, she is able to understand the hardship of being PG and going through this turmoil.

Cousins called over the weekend... all very supportive. Very Angry with H. want to come over in a few weeks...

H's aunt also made the comment that my MIL and FIL are not only devastated but are so upset and scared because they know their relationship to their grandson will never be the same. Aunt said, does your H realize that your son can someday have another dad? yes... and H replies with, he can also have a step mom. (knife in the heart)

[Babydoll]

I know that when i act this way, H retrieves and becomes withdrawn. i know... itslike i abuse him fo rthe pain he caused me... well i am hurt! I didnt even know i still had so much sadness and anger. spent all of yesterday in tears.

H does fight back with I am doing this to help you and because I care for you, and love you, just not the way i used to. and I am and will be at the birthing classes, whether you accept it or not and want to be at the birth.

Says you can push me away but im not going anywhere...

[newmama]

do you feel the need to go to the birthing classes? and what is the policy at your hospital- can you say you don't want your H there?