Actually I said all of this to myself on my drive home that day. I had convinced myself that I was only giving him his books, but I had to admit that I wanted to see him and I was hoping to be able to talk to him. No, it didn't turn out well, But, perhaps it was exactly what I needed.
This is the first time since bomb drop that I have felt so low. In months past, h talked to me and I got to see him and we went out together. Now, he's in a stage where I know I have to stay away and have no contact whatsoever. And, that's pretty depressing. I know every stage h goes through is another one I have to go through as an LBS. So, I guess I need to brush up on those stages again and learn some more for myself. I know I'll get better, but right now I'm pretty depressed about the whole situation. I'm just weary.
I talked to one of my sons on Monday and told him what had happened and I also asked him if he's heard from his dad. He said h sent him a text message that morning just asking him how he was doing. I asked him if he would be willing to go see him and he said no, he didn't want to get involved. Which is just as well I guess, since I that would be me manipulating h into seeking counseling. I know he has to make that decision for himself.
I feel like I'm standing on a bank where railroad tracks are on a curve. I can see my h lying down on the tracks and I can also see a train speeding towards him from the other direction. I yell out to him, but he ignores me. I turn around and there are family members and friends standing behind me. I plead with them to help him! Some tell me h needs to make his own decisions and if he can't listen, so be it. And the others tell me they don't even see the train. I am helpless standing there watching the train speed closer and closer. It's a nightmare and I am petrified at the outcome.
I know this must be how all LBSers feel at some point in this MLC journey we're on. Most days I can suppress the panic and anxiety that rises up in me. But, I confess I've had a hard time the last few days. And, yes I take the blame for all of that happening. I am my own worst enemy.
The job search isn't going very well. I've had a couple of leads that didn't pan out at all. That also contributes to me feeling low. But, I'll just keep looking and praying that God will open up a door for me. I've always felt in the past that every job I had God put me there for a reason. I want this next one to be the same. Yes, I need a job where I can make enough money to support myself and get benefits, but it's more important to me to be in a position where God can use me.
