Here goes with another thread and the continuing soap opera of Tal and Wolfie on As the Rez turns.

Last week, I found a billing that looks like Wolfie used my old cell phone and was still calling XOW up until moving back home. Could be or could be last year's unpaid bill still itemized on statement--according to cell phone company. Still waiting for answer on that one from the cell phone company.

Limbo Land had it's own challenges. So far, living together has had some challenges too. Mostly--knowing that I have to get a grip on myself about becoming irrationally suspicious and learning to trust again. I don't know if I will ever have complete trust again, just out of sheer self-protection.

But...even when I think I've got it worked out all logical and rational, I'll do something like waking up at night and thinking that H is downstairs on the computer talking to OW (no, he's just at work). Or...having the same gut-wrenching nightmares every few nights about walking into a store or coffee shop and finding H there with an OW. Or...snooping.

None of this fits with reality right now because things are really better in my R right now than in a long time--maybe better than ever before. I'm going to try listing various ways that there have been big improvements. I don't want to lose sight of the huge difference between the way Wolfie is behaving compared to how things were leading up to the bomb blast.

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Before: He didn't talk about the future as though I would be in it with him.
After: Now he talks about us being old together & cracks a lot of jokes about how we will be then.

Before: When I tried to talk to him about our R and how I was feeling, he'd shut me off and tell me I was wrong. If I didn't let him shut me down, he'd bellow and do a pissed-off little dance around the room, sometimes punching a wall or storming out and slamming the door.
After: When I ask him direct questions, he will talk to me. If he realizes that I want to discuss something important, he gives me his full attention (even turns off the TV !). He listens and doesn't get impatient even when I have difficulty expressing myself. I know he is actually listening (not tuning me out) because later he brings up something I said weeks later after he's had some time to really think about it.

Before: He was very emotionally repressed and uncommunicative. Very afraid of feeling vulnerable and prone to running away and avoiding things.
After: He has been much more open about his thoughts and feelings. He doesn't initiate any conversations that are deep, but if I do, he will sometimes start talking for a long time. He seems far less afraid of letting me know about his insecurities. He still tends to avoid and procrastinate in general, but is definately not running away from the hard stuff.

Before: He was often secretive and sometimes pretty sneaky.
After: He says he is trying to live his life as an open book as a way to make amends and regain our trust.

Before: In the last few months before the bomb, he had very little interaction with the kids.
After: He has been spending time hanging out with the boys and they talk over dinner.

Before: We had both pretty much given up on our sex life.
After: They have pharmacuticals and herbal pills for that, even though I was the one who had to go get them--he wouldn't. Drastic improvement.

Before: He withdrew more and more from me physically. I noticed that he wouldn't sit by me, often wouldn't kiss me goodbye anymore, if I hugged him--he'd always end it first. I noticed that there was no affection in his smiles anymore and often he'd look at me in a way that was full of resentment.
After: Now he often initiate physical affection--lot's of it. Most of the time there is affection and tenderness when he smiles at me. I have seen the look of resentment occasionally--but not directed at any of us.
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That's more than plenty to start with.