i cracked today. i drove to look for h. i went to the gym where i thought he might be. no h. then i drove to the mall. no h. i sat in my car in the mall parking lot. i knew i wasn't well. i called a crisis counsellor. i got mad. i wanted to find a random stranger for a one night stand. heck, if he was doing it. why can't i? i wanted to run away. i called a friend and cried. i was a mess. he told me it was over and it was time to move on. he didn't know how to drill it through my thick skull. it's over he said. i drove home. i saw his car. i walked right passed it. i made something to eat. dinner of toast w/peanut butter. i called my mom. she could sense that i wasn't well. i have no sense of direction. i have no goal. my goal was to own a house. prices have gone up in my home town. do i want to pay $486k for a 2 bdrm condo? not really. can't afford that on my own. maybe i should stay here. housing is cheaper. i could reach my goal. what was the reason for this flip flop? i want the sure win. and i want to win now. i can't look at buying a house as winning. having friends to support me. i have already won.
remember the flywheel concept that jim collins talked about. it takes time to reach that pivotal point when you launch into greatness.
