still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

I think I'm still going w/ "Call me when your A is over".
_________________________

Sorry if I missed that, WN! And then I would continue being distant/dim?

[newmama]

And I do agree with everyone who said he needs to end the A, not be forced to. Like I have said, I gave an ultimatum in Jan 09. He chose me and took the A underground. So in March I tried another ultimatum (because that is what you do, right? Meaning I had no other clue)and then decided not to divorce because I am confident his A will end and I wanted him to live out the fantasy with her so he can see for himself and not have any regrets or relapses when we R.

[WhatNow]

I think I'm still going w/ "Call me when your A is over".
_________________________

Sorry if I missed that, WN! And then I would continue being distant/dim?

Nothing will have really changed other than his admission of confusion/doubt.

What will you say/do if he tells you it is over w/ OW?

[newmama]

So I have been dealing with his texting about S throughout this trip. I know I am just silly but am still a little self conscious about how I interact with him. Could you please let me know if my replies were good? Meaning just business like? I might have sounded rude sometimes and friendly others....argh! I will take the feedback and use it for the future.

And I have now not cried for 3 days straight....the anti d's might be working finally!

Monday: I had to inform him that I took S to the doctor on Monday and explained (he is fine!). I needed to be a little bit lengthy with that one because of the dr's info. He replied 3 hours later that he was glad and thanks for telling him and how is he doing tonight, playing? eating?

I actually didn't reply until the next morning.

Tuesday a.m.: I lied though and said "sorry my phone was charging-he was super tired but seems better now!"
He replied with "no problem! glad he is feeling better this morning! hopefully his appetite is better today!"

Then he checked in that night and I said "He was feeling better today and was very active."

He replied "Good. I'm very glad to hear that. Give that boy a kiss goodnight for me! You guys have a good evening!"
I didn't reply.

Wednesday: This evening (today) He said "hope S did well today. I can't wait to see him. I'll let you know when I leave the airport tomorrow. Have a good night!"
I replied "Well he was pretty cranky and tired all day. He'll be happy to see you. Have a good flight!"

I hope it's okay that I wished him a safe flight even though I am trying to be cold and distant.

Now I don't have to deal with texting from him since he will be returning tomorrow night. Phew!

[newmama]

If he tells me it is over with OW and wants to R I will ask some basic q's first like
"When did you end it? What did you say? How did she take it? Where is your stuff? Is she still working with you? What is her schedule? Where is she in the building?"

then "Why did you end it? Why do you think you did this?"

and I have fuzzy ideas about explaining what I need, but rest assured these 5 things will be a part of the list:

-full transparency
-honesty about when she tries to contact him because she will
-no contact letter to her
- he needs to got IC
-change his email and phone number

[4luv]

Hi newmama,

I think your text replies were fine. They actually remind me of the text between my husband and I when I was dim. I am glad that you are not overreacting from your husband being polite. That was very hard for me to do.

Anyways, I still think you being distant with husband will really spark his curiosity and make him wake up from this fantasy with OW. Keep up with the road you are on and don't waver.

[WhatNow]

If he tells me it is over with OW and wants to R I will ask some basic q's first like
"When did you end it? What did you say? How did she take it? Where is your stuff? Is she still working with you? What is her schedule? Where is she in the building?"

then "Why did you end it? Why do you think you did this?"

and I have fuzzy ideas about explaining what I need, but rest assured these 5 things will be a part of the list:

-full transparency
-honesty about when she tries to contact him because she will
-no contact letter to her
- he needs to got IC
-change his email and phone number

In addition to the above, I would ask for MC to negotiate a return.

[newmama]

I am glad that you are not overreacting from your husband being polite. That was very hard for me to do.

4luv, I have been there done that! Believe me, up until 3 weeks ago I was getting all excited to see his polite and bubbly texts about S with !s even though he still was with OW! DUH! And his texts haven't really changed in tone even during my 3 weeks of being dim. I am tempted to analyze that, but at the same time I am exhausted of looking for little insignificant signs of hope. I need a big ol' "Let's talk about R" sign!

My hunch though, is that he is "waiting" for my old newmama self to return and he doesn't buy the 180s I am putting in place.

I am proud of myself for staying dim. When I am angry it is easy. When I am sad or happy it is hard...because if I am in a good mood I want to be chatty with WH when I see him. Still, I visualize myself having magnetic energy and he feels pulled toward me. I revisit my positive thinking plan. I meditate and picture discussion of R. I pray for clarity to know how to respond and what to do to pull WH toward me, for will power to stick to my plan, and patience for hanging in there and not filing D. I also pray that WH will see OW's true colors and he will realize he wants a family with me.

WN- we must have been on the same wavelength because on my drive home, I was thinking of using my next session to discuss conditions for R with my IC. (He was our MC for a couple of sessions)

I meant to add that I would want WH to get a transfer so he wouldn't be in the same building as OW. But he does work in a very large building. And transfers only come up so often.

[gatsby11]

My hunch though, is that he is "waiting" for my old newmama self to return and he doesn't buy the 180s I am putting in place.

I am proud of myself for staying dim. When I am angry it is easy. When I am sad or happy it is hard...because if I am in a good mood I want to be chatty with WH when I see him.

I think this quote worked, yay!

It is possible he doesn't buy the 180s! Keep working at it a little longer to see if anything changes when he does start to think this could be permanent.

(Because really, if you get remarried, your new H would probably not want you to be all chatty with your ex. So this is giving WH a taste of that!)

And I ditto that anger makes it easier. It's a fine line to walk, just very fine.

[newmama]

It is possible he doesn't buy the 180s! Keep working at it a little longer to see if anything changes when he does start to think this could be permanent.

yes and he needs to see that ever since he told me it is over, I have changed toward him. 1) I am not happy with his decision so he can't feel ok about it 2)He will see what I will be like if we divorce 3)he can see evidence that I am detaching from him and this is another action to prove I am moving forward with plans for my future.

I have been holding off on packing up his stuff though. Don't know if he notices that or not.