Thank you again. You brought up some good stuff, and I needed to here it right now. I have a minimal support system, not as good as I should. Part of my GAL has been working on rebuilding my friendships. I've reconnected with one of my sisters, the one I've always been closest to and I usually call her when I need support. She's been great. She's been here for me since the beginning.
I've been really touched by how many people have reached out to me when they find out about my situations. This includes colleagues and my many students. All of them are very surprised and offer their support. Somehow, I haven't really been able to reach back to them. To tell the truth, I feel humiliated by it all. I think I need to deal with that.
One of the problems I have is that the majority of my closest friends are musicians, and the simply are not available in the evenings as they are out making a living. And they are close friends, it's just the nature of being a musician. It's likely something my wife never adjusted to, although I had thought it was something she embraced and understood. The time I had for friends, I dedicated to her friends and family. None of them sympathize with me as far as I know. This gives me a lot to think about: I do wonder why they are so willing to encourage her, to abandon me this way. In other words, what have I done to deserve their disapproval? It may be that she has just turned them against me over the years. I'm sure I contributed.
You are right that I've poured the majority of my energy into taking care of my kids, and now that I'm home alone with out them to take care of my emotions can come down on me. It's like I put them on pause. I need to get busy taking better care of myself. I'm so glad you pointed this out.
I do have an IC, although I only go once every now and then. It's so expensive. I have to cancel work every time, so it's like a double bill. The last time I went was the first week of April, after I found out about the OM in Seattle. After reading your post, I called and asked for another appointment.
I think I'm just having a hard time with the idea that my entire marriage may have been a charade/masquerade.
