I saw nothing wrong with asking your H if he wanted to watch a movie..Detaching in not ingnoring in my book. However what you did after was great. You asked... he declined and you acted "as if" GOOD WORK lady...
Dr. Love, my understanding is that Hope is trying to go dim with her H and she has asked for support for that in her thread. So I am agreeing with her that asking to watch a movie doesn't fit with that. I hope that clarifies.
No criticism intended Hope! Cheering you on!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hoping that you have a new GAL plan now for when the play is over with
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
i've been staying off the boards a bit, and I called a DB coach. She gave me very different advice than I've gotten the past month or so. She advised doing more of the stuff I was doing before the recent "bomb". She said to reframe this "bomb" as a way for H to gain distance because he was scared we were getting too close. Who knows if she is right or not.
She said to capitalize on "family" time as a way to show our "new" R. She said to show no expectations of getting back together that when he gets into telling me he's not coming back that is his way of convincing himself, if he were really sure, he'd be gone and not need to say it. So she said just listen and agree and say "I don't want the old marriage either." She said to act like really good friends. Be appreciative of his good qualities to build up his confidence again, to counteract his fear of returning. She said to never engage when he tries to bait me, certainly continue to walk away, or to sit and listen and then calmly say, "I'm not interested in going down this old path anymore." She said to laugh together, find similar interests, go back to what we fell in love with in each other originally. She said to build positive associations with being together as a family.
I must say I don't know what is the right advice any more, I had been doing these things before he dropped that bomb, and even thought we were piecing. But she says to expect him to bait me, resist, start fights to prove to himself he's right in leaving me but to never take that bait.
So there it is - be friends. Thank him for his positive attributes. And be consistent. I must say I tried it last night when H was here and it felt good. I felt less nervous, upset, anxious. I relaxed and was able to just be myself. I didn't hang around after S fell asleep - not out of planning to do the right thing, just because I felt like it.
So what do you think of this new plan? I can only hope.
And, tonight, I'm finally realizing that as much as I have blamed myself for our problems, and then begged to be taken back, I"m finally having the courage to look at the ways he let our relationship down, and realize he has to own these if he's ever to come back. And he has to realize them on his own, not for me saying anything. IF he doesn't, I am beginning to see that this is not my fault and that it is his weakness and blindness.
She said to capitalize on "family" time as a way to show our "new" R. She said to show no expectations of getting back together that when he gets into telling me he's not coming back that is his way of convincing himself, if he were really sure, he'd be gone and not need to say it. So she said just listen and agree and say "I don't want the old marriage either." She said to act like really good friends. Be appreciative of his good qualities to build up his confidence again, to counteract his fear of returning. She said to never engage when he tries to bait me, certainly continue to walk away, or to sit and listen and then calmly say, "I'm not interested in going down this old path anymore." She said to laugh together, find similar interests, go back to what we fell in love with in each other originally. She said to build positive associations with being together as a family.
This sounds like excellent advice. Print it off and have it in your handbag where you can remind yourself secretly whenever yuo need to !!
Friends first. No expectations of renconciling. He left and as hard as it is, you must respect that. Be funny/have fun. This is the most important thing I think as it also equates to 'no pressure'. Lose the angst. I worked hard on being light and fun and finding shared, neutral interests (like sharing music CDs and going for bike rides) with my bf whilst we were apart and it worked.. it reminded him of the girl he fell in love with (as the DB coach told you) which for me was also a 180.. as I had become less fun during our old R and bogged down in illness and fearful behaviours.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
h4L: But she says to expect him to bait me, resist, start fights to prove to himself he's right in leaving me but to never take that bait.
yes, it seems true. but how long can one put up with this behavior is my question to db coach? i'm not around because i'm busy and also my sitch is much the same. there's nothing to say. yes, i too saw gains with the approach of what you were told. just how you saw the other night but it led nowhere accept to basically the above sitch. plus other weirdness. ali might be right. but she did this for THREE years until his depression lifted and then he said (sorry if i'm wrong, ali, on specifics) that he "did not know" and "had no clue" why he had acted like that for three years. maybe ali took six years off her life. maybe not. maybe she is very laidback. not sure.
We were apart for 18 months, but the change in him began after his Dad died and that led to severe depression, so perhaps it was 2 years of him being 'emotionally gone' within a 5 year span of depression. I was terribly grief stricken when he left. DBing gave me hope. I agree, that doesnt always lead to reconciliation (rare in fact). My bf has said he cant really explain, but he was almost suicidally depressed and so made bad decisions/choices at that time and felt 'insular' as he said. Dating someone else was just.. more of the same. Bad choice, bad decision, avoidance, justifying leaving me in the first place. He's on a good AD now and past the worst of his grief. I intuitively knew he would come back, he says he can see that himself now looking back. Most importantly, he was a GOOD man, a GOOD partner and worth waiting for, wholeheartedly. Plus I just instinctively knew we'd be fine and be able to put it behind us.
Only you can read your intuition if you feel there is a chance he will come back and only you know if you think he is worth waiting for and if you feel you have a good chance of putting this behind you as a couple.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Well, the new attitude is helping with my PMA, helping me move on, helping me detach. What can I say, that is progress. We all agree I need to do those things!
The coach said the fact that H says he still loves me and likes me means a lot.
He is worth waiting for because he is my husband and I love him.
He says there are "things he never wants to live with when he thinks of a lifetime together with someone." This is my biggest hurdle in that he says even if I change now, who knows what will happen in five years, etc.
I guess he's still in blame stage.
I do feel he still loves me and I do feel intuitively there is a chance, I just don't know whether to trust this or not. I mean I used to feel he would never leave me either.
I don't know what to do with that except try to be friends. If he feels more, that is up to him. If not, I have no choice.
