Sorry, havent posted... PC is down at home. Went to classes last night with H. Today went to OB appointment, H showed up.
I feel like he is a complete stranger. Dont even have the urge to be nice or polite. Dont love this monster. Dont respect this alien at all.
Told him its over. Dont want to hear him tell me he cares for me just not the way I want him too. Maybe I dont want him to care for me anymore. Why in the world would I want H to try to fall back in love with me knowing he is capable of this. I give up. I no longer want to think of him. Told him that the past few weeks I feel like I am still sacrificing my happiness for his. Ok i was really happy the first week, sad the next and this week, I feel hatred and anger and resentment towards him.
I really do not want him in my life. Told him no more birthing classes, no need for him to be at the birth. Dont want him in my life. He thinks being a part time dad is a great thing, and i cant try to make him be a father figure that we once dreamed of together. So what, my child will not have a great father... big deal... so many people turned out to have wonderful fulfilled lives and had shitty dads too.
Thanks everyone for your support. But sitting next to him in the waiting room, or when he drives me to birthing classes, i feel absolutely NO connection to him. Dont have anything to talk to him about. Find him staring at me or my belly. Actually makes me feel uncomfortable. I find myself thinking this is pointless.
He didnt do anything or say anything, just his politness makes me think of the 'neighbor who got me pregnant'. and Frankly if my neighbor did, I wouldnt include him in anything anyways!
Guess this 'friend' thing was a way for me to see that H and I will never ever work out. I dont see him ever loving me or caring for me like a husband should. I am not going to chance my life in doing so...
Right now I am officially over it. I have reached my end.
I dont believe H will ever change his mind.... if he cant love me NOW when I need the support and affection, then I dont ever want it from him.
I am entirely too good to have to sit and wait for a guy to love me. I am not perfect! But i am a darn great person! and i deserve someone who know it entirely and never loses sight of it... I dont care if he is going through a mental crisis or not.
I am so angry... so hurt. I feel so disgusted with myself for having given him the chance. At the time, didnt feel like i was giving him a chance, i honestly thought i was a bit over the anger and doing whats best for the baby. I really dont care anymore... so my son will grow up and hate me for not letting his father in... big deal... dont we all hate our parents for something or other.
Think its time I move from the house and get my belongings... dont want to be there with the baby and have H think he has easy access to his son when he can fit it into his schedule. Im tired of the past. I have to start all over and maybe this is the only way how.
I feel so used and disgusting. I feel like this H is not the kind of person I would ever associate myself with nor want to love or spend my life with.
I hope he wakes up one day and regrets it all... and I hope even more that I can look at him and say ILYBININILWY.
