The countdown continues

[Awoken]

Thanks PG,

I'm a little shocked too. But not as much as I think I would have been a few months ago. In some ways it may be a little easier to realize that she was never the person I thought she was, than to feel like she's changed into an alien.

It's definitely pestering my mind, as I keep going over the past years in my mind. But I'm not exactly in a panic, or feeling desperate. It's strange, and I'm a little unsettled by my own detachment on this.

[FindingMyVoice]

It's definitely pestering my mind, as I keep going over the past years in my mind. But I'm not exactly in a panic, or feeling desperate. It's strange, and I'm a little unsettled by my own detachment on this.

Perhaps it's going to take some time to sink in, before you experience any emotions other than that unsettling detachment. It must have been a bit of a shock indeed; very surreal. Or, perhaps you've been coping with so much turmoil already that it's 'just another log on the fire'.

However it is, I'm concerned for you and wondering what kind of support system you have right now. You've been so focused on taking care of your kids, I'm wondering who's taking care of you right now!? I'm so glad you're still posting, but a 'real life' support system is important too. I hope you have a shoulder to lean on now, or a good friend who can take you out for a beer, and help get your mind off things for a while.

I'm sorry, I can't quite remember - do you have an IC? I wonder if it might be of value to you right now, to touch base with one if you can. They may be able to help you process it so that it's not weighing so heavily on your mind.

Again, thinking good thoughts for you. Hope you're able to get some rest tonight. Take care, PG.

[Awoken]

Hey PG,

Thank you again. You brought up some good stuff, and I needed to here it right now. I have a minimal support system, not as good as I should. Part of my GAL has been working on rebuilding my friendships. I've reconnected with one of my sisters, the one I've always been closest to and I usually call her when I need support. She's been great. She's been here for me since the beginning.

I've been really touched by how many people have reached out to me when they find out about my situations. This includes colleagues and my many students. All of them are very surprised and offer their support. Somehow, I haven't really been able to reach back to them. To tell the truth, I feel humiliated by it all. I think I need to deal with that.

One of the problems I have is that the majority of my closest friends are musicians, and the simply are not available in the evenings as they are out making a living. And they are close friends, it's just the nature of being a musician. It's likely something my wife never adjusted to, although I had thought it was something she embraced and understood. The time I had for friends, I dedicated to her friends and family. None of them sympathize with me as far as I know. This gives me a lot to think about: I do wonder why they are so willing to encourage her, to abandon me this way. In other words, what have I done to deserve their disapproval? It may be that she has just turned them against me over the years. I'm sure I contributed.

You are right that I've poured the majority of my energy into taking care of my kids, and now that I'm home alone with out them to take care of my emotions can come down on me. It's like I put them on pause. I need to get busy taking better care of myself. I'm so glad you pointed this out.

I do have an IC, although I only go once every now and then. It's so expensive. I have to cancel work every time, so it's like a double bill. The last time I went was the first week of April, after I found out about the OM in Seattle. After reading your post, I called and asked for another appointment.

I think I'm just having a hard time with the idea that my entire marriage may have been a charade/masquerade.

This brings me to tears every time: Nancy Wilson sings "The Masquerade is over": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYYPZZNIOaY

[Gardener]

I'm real sorry, Awoken.
(((())))

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi Awoken
Oh I'm so glad to hear you've reconnected with one of your sisters, and that you've allowed her to support you through everything that's been going on. I was quite caught when you mentioned you hadn't really been able to reach back to other folks when they've offered support. I've been learning about that myself this week too. Learning to ask for support, and becoming comfortable receiving it, are two entirely different things, aren't they? And another catch/22...those feelings of humiliation likely prevent you from being able to reach out for support; but it's that very support that will help you to overcome feeling that way. All those kind people who are reaching out to you will not judge you Awoken (nor does anyone here, I might add) - they want to help. I'm sorry you're carrying such undeserved feelings. Hugs to you today my friend.

The time I had for friends, I dedicated to her friends and family.

That's interesting - 12bar had mentioned on my thread that his M was like that too, and I've had a similar experience. It's so important to foster one's own circle of friends and family isn't it. But glad to hear that you do have a group of close musician friends - hopefully in the days to come you'll find ways to connect more with them too, despite the challenges with schedules.

You are right that I've poured the majority of my energy into taking care of my kids, and now that I'm home alone with out them to take care of my emotions can come down on me. It's like I put them on pause. I need to get busy taking better care of myself. I'm so glad you pointed this out.

It sure sounds like you work alot too, between teaching and performing (although I'm sure your music is likely what you do for fun too - I'm an artist & illustrator, so perhaps similar in that it's fun but it's still work.) Do you get much free time for other fun social activities?

After reading your post, I called and asked for another appointment.

Your last appt was in April??!!! Good grief I'm glad you booked another one! Again, you deserve the support Awoken.

I think I'm just having a hard time with the idea that my entire marriage may have been a charade/masquerade.

(((Awoken))) I'm sorry to hear this. From what you've written here though, you've taken some very positive steps to help yourself heal. Good for you, that shows how strong your spirit is - hang in there, better days are coming. Will be thinking of you today. PS what a beautiful voice that singer has, lovely music too.

[timehealsall]

Oh Awoken.. I am so sorry that you feel that way. Be strong.. try not to think so much about what was and work on you and focus on right now.

[Sister]

What PG said....

Also, remember even if in your MIND you are at a certain place, able to let go...that does not mean that your HEART is there yet. Your heart has been broken. Again. and again. It will need time to heal. Getting your mind right is definitely a step in the right direction, but give yourself time to HEAL.

(((Awoken)))

[Sister]

Been thinking about you this weekend. Hope you're doing ok.

[Awoken]

Here is a little up date on my "countdown".

I spent the weekend at a beach town with my kids. I had a gig there. It a place I've played regularly for 10 years, and my kids have often traveled there with me. All the staff there knows them, and we are all like family. We had a good time. It's the same place we went over thanksgiving, one month after the bomb. The thanksgiving where my W decided at the last minute to leave town on her own. I've often wondered why my wife wasn't more interested in going on more of these trips with me. Now, it seems so obvious that she was using the time away from me for her extramarital stuff.

Thursday I got a copy of the final divorce settlement from my lawyer. I took a quick look at it, and approved it. My lawyer sent it to W's lawyer, and I texted W telling her to call her lawyer about it. That night I received a stream of text messages about how mean and hurtful I was being, and some other angry spew. I still don't understand her anger. The agreement basically has the stuff we agreed upon, and the all the extra stuff that lawyers put in. I texted her briefly to say that I thought it was all standard, and if she let me know what was bothering her I would ask my lawyer to adjust it. I never heard back from her, and she turned off her phone.

Today, I got an email from her saying she was upset about two sections in the settlement. One about no drinking or drugs around the kids, and one about no people of the other sex spending the night around the kids. They were both basically just added by my lawyer, but she thought it was all about her.

Her email was only two lines: "I'm upset about these sections, because they are personal attacks on me. Just send it to me completed and I'll sign it."

I had to fill in a few blanks with account numbers for our retirement accounts. I just emailed it to her tonight.

So it looks like the divorce papers will be signed this week. I'm not sure how long it takes to be official. Maybe 30 days.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

I still don't understand her anger. The agreement basically has the stuff we agreed upon, and the all the extra stuff that lawyers put in.

Maybe just a case on her part of, "be careful what you wish for..."

...she was upset about two sections in the settlement. One about no drinking or drugs around the kids, and one about no people of the other sex spending the night around the kids. They were both basically just added by my lawyer, but she thought it was all about her.

Her email was only two lines: "I'm upset about these sections, because they are personal attacks on me..."

To her it is all about her. This reaction does not bode well. I hope you'll be able to somehow monitor her for compliance, for the sake and safety of the kids.

So it looks like the divorce papers will be signed this week. I'm not sure how long it takes to be official. Maybe 30 days.

Roller Coaster time approaching again. Be ready for a flood of emotion within you when its final and immediately thereafter.

Stay strong.