Thinking of you. I don't know what to say. My situation is so different than yours and yet if my exH would only say those things,
he wants to love you unconditionally, you deserve to be loved, he won't quit on you, the past is behind him and only viewed as a series of bad decisions/choices, etc
I think I would really want him to say those things. But I am not you...
I agree it is not about the kids, they can't be the primary reason you reconcile. It has to be a genuine coming-together of you and him. But for a side benefit, and a HUGE one, it is like you said to your own H, you guys can be the example to your children of a truly loving and forgiving couple committed to each other.
Yes I said it was an over simplification, but there has been a pattern in dbing of you pushing him away and then wanting more from him again! At some point, if you are going to have him back, you have to 'surrender' and risk getting hurt again (he does seem very very committed though)? As Lotus said and we said, there are no gaurantuees in a new R either right. You could find yourself here again in 5/10 years time (not HERE, dont think you would DB ever again, lol!!). You gotta let those barriers down, wave the white flag. Its alot to get past though, of course, as your BGF told him. Sorry you are feeling down.. is your iron ok? xx
You've got PTSD, and no wonder. But even though your H is the cause, don't push him away now. He is genuinely worried and committed. You need all the support you can get if you are feeling fragile.
There has been such a huge change in him-- he is not recognizable as the same guy from your old posts. This is what you wanted, right? Hang on...
no fb2, I dont want to hurt him. I feel compassion for him for having to deal with me.
I know you don't want to hurt him, but your reactions seem to be doing the opposite, because you are hurting and you have been badly hurt. In the past he could not handle your emotions so he strayed. Maybe he learned some skills now to deal with you as you are. But he betrayed your trust and there's the natural fear he'd do it again and he actually may. Seems healthy to me to have this fear or need for insurance as a defense mechanism. PTSD ... we hope the bad memories can get erased and replaced with some very good ones ... so in time you won't want to go back there to those dark places. You can't do it alone and it could happen in some mysterious way - but you could use a lot of help, support, prayer.
Lotus is right about these conversations. I feel much better after we have one. I feel connection. The last one was by far one where he opened up. He had told my gf he would take the step and just do what it needs to be done. Not what he can do. And that for him means open up to me about the past and the present.
And Gypsy got my point about my dearest gf. I felt I dont want others again as intermediates. Because we NEED to deal with it whatever it is, together, me and him. I even felt hurt he talked to her and cant to me.
PTSD sounds correct. I think I am finally realising and dealing with what happened. I am feeling disgusted and angry, upset and helpless. The sticking point is -and therein lies the secret I believe- that I have this phrase in my head (and the associated feelings) "no matter what you do, how good you are, you cant change the past-period".
I wonder if this has indeed been a surprise to him as well. I wonder if he had pushed the case as closed in his mind. I wonder if he is surprised the strong Maria cant handle it. I have to ask that.
My GF tried to explain -he asked- why I now seem obsessed with OW as a person as well. She told him she sees that too and gave him an example of a recent experience we had together. We were walking in the terminal building and I saw someone in a distance that looked like OW. I immediately panicked and was searching for a corner to hide and catch my breath. Not out of fear, trying to control me. He said OW should be worried, not Maria.
Ali, I want to surrender. That's why I am here. I just dont know how without...giving in. It's common from what I read to mix right and justice with forgiveness and letting go of the past. To resist giving because you are scared of being let down again. In one book it says this may be the last obstacle to true reconciliation and the beginning of a relationship worth having. That many couples actually do fall apart during this time. Guess what? Time WILL tell.
I think when he goes to your friend(s) he is seeking help. Sometimes when we hear it a different way, we get it. I do understand what you mean this being between the two of you but right now he is/was asking for help from where ever he could get because maybe he isn't "hearing" and is trying to avoid upsetting you in the way he presents things. Don't hold it against them...everyone seeks advice from friends(even when they are just the virtual kind. )
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Having these conversations with your H is the only way of finding out why he was unfaithful in the first place. Only once that is established will you know if you are able as a couple to prevent those circumstances happening again and putting your M into the danger zone - at least that is how it seemed to work for my H and I.
However much those outside the M may want to help, and may want to try to stop your hurting by helping your H 'deal' with what is happening, this is just between you and him.
It will take time and you do need to be able to forgive one another. I don't agree with MWD about the forgiving the OW stuff - I shall hate my H's OW forever I expect for what she knowingly did; but I have forgiven my H. I am not saying the odd jab doesn't still come out my mouth now and then.....but generally there is humour attached to it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Is it because it is "anonymous" here that it is fine that we spill out our heart and discuss or troubles? Isn't her H basically doing the same thing? He is going to someone that knows her, that she confides in, that she doesn't have anger towards. I do get her friend not wanting to be in the middle.
I am not trying to create an issue, I just think in a way it is a bit hypocritical to say he can't ask for help to understand but those of us here can.
Back to K's thread.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey K, you hit the nail on the head, exactly as I was trying to explain - you see surrendering, dropping your gaurd /bariers and letting go of this constant struggle in your heart and mind..as giving in and you dont want to do that. You dont want to have to 'give in' after what he did.
But maybe dont see it as 'giving in', see it as gaining something, like you said, the beginning of a truly soild, loving, relationship with your H which has survived the worst. Imagine how much better you would feel if you could 'let go' of all your anger, disgust, hurt, upset and helplessness as you put it! Just let the joy in that your life is going in the right direction, going forwards with the husband you could never give up on and the father of your kids.
I understand this must be a very hard thing to do, considering the scale of the betrayal. Maybe IC would help? Maybe you just need more time. Talking to H is probably the biggest help of all hey. Can you tell him next time you feel so low, that you just need more time to 'let go' of it, without resorting to mentioning D? Just.. perhaps he needs to relax and not push so hard for you and the M to be 'ok', just let it naturally unfold?
I understand your obsession, especially with the scale of your sitch and her knowing H was M. Even in my sitch, I get nervous when I see a brunette near work, ridiculous I know. I would shake like a leaf if I saw her! H is right, you can hold your head high, she is the one that should be worried if you saw her.
I agree with Kat, H talking to a female friend is the 'male' equivalent of sharing and getting help here. He probably is at a loss at how to help you and was seeking some reassurance? xx
I'm interested in that phrase "that couples do fall apart during this phase". Well, why is that? Becuase one cannot forgive the other,they just cant get past it? Becuase the other cannot forgive themelves, or cannot take the constant reminding of what they did and cant take the shame/guilt? That they no longer love each other as they once did? What reasons?
It would seem you have a choice in there. Like June says, would you feel better/happier/relieved if you got divorced from him and went your separate ways and he is free to date whomever he likes then? How does that make you feel?
)