yup. he is a late riser. often gets to work around 10 am or he works from home until noon. i always see his car in the parking garage when i head out for work. geez, is that me stalking again?
i think i've said a lot to identify who i am if my h was really lurking.
if he is then he should be learning a lot about your true intentions and some of the issues that are his responsiblity. it's all good in the end.
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do not mention my sitch in my blog. just things i do on a daily basis.
so if you don't run into him and he's probably reading there then .........
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love without fear.
don't make this a today thing, this is part of the DB education. are you familiar with all the Greek words and meanings for love? It all starts with loving yourself. Love kills the "snakes on a brain."
Know that you will be fine no matter this turns out. Ever seen "Band of Brothers"? Smiley Person used a quote from there that complements the Stockdale Paradox, it's when Capt Spiers is talking to Blythe about hiding in the foxhole. "The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function." Bottomline is accept the brutal reality, you are already divorced, how can he hurt you now? This is detachment from - the outcome, expectations, getting hurt, being rejected and making it work.
All's fair in love and war.
Get out of the foxhole.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It is a Constantly Variable Transmission (CVT) Subaru and Yugo used them with out much success back in the late 80's early 90's. VW had a Semi Automatic back in the day.. you had to shift it like a manual.. but the clutch was "automatic". Anyway.. I digress. I was really hoping you were gonna explain.. how it worked internally.
"i'm afraid to take a chance. once i buy the tool, i am stuck with it. it may not work and i can't return it. and will resort back to my old familiar tool."
Well.. that is just not really a good cop out. If you use a tool everyday.. you already know what works. You replace the tool with a new one because the old one is worn.. or broke. If the tool is worn.. it does not "fit" the "situation". If it is broke.. well.. it can't be used.
My favorite tool.. is a smile. By a long shot. You can get away with just about anything.. by smiling. Think about it.. if you walk into a room.. and there is someone smiling.. you look at them and retain them in memory. They exude fun. You can hear a smile on the phone. Any telemarketer will tell you part of their training involves a smile. It changes your "attitude".
Try it out.. smile and say something kinda mean to a close friend.
Give a good smile to a unsuspecting random person. You don't have to say a word.. just walk by.. smile and look them in the eyes. Bet you they smile back.
1 person can change things.. with something as simple as a smile.
"honestly, the four statements i made are things i would have likely said. it's to show you that i continue to dig at him. i really don't want to. but it keeps coming back."
Hence my sarcasm.. and long winded talk about tools. That is not what I need from you. I understand you dig at him. I want you to stop it. Dig at me.. that I am ok with.
and free write. No digging. Gather the thoughts.. focus.. smile.. and write me something nice. Show me you.
"i think when the time is right. i'd tell him that when he decided that our marriage was over, i said i would never give up on him. i'm still not giving up on him. the marriage may be over, but i'm not giving up on our friendship. nine years is too much history to throw away. i know he's hurting and if he needs anything, he knows where to find me."
You are waffling. You told me if you D.. there would not be a friendship.
How can he know where to find you? You clearly cannot find yourself. You even said so.
If you can't find you.. how can you possibly expect him to find you? Seems to me you may be waiting a loooong time for that to happen.
"i appreciate the support. i know i'm a handful. you can see in the last few days, i've posted a lot because of my anxiety attack. it's how i get it out of my system. you can see what is going through my head. sometimes it feels like battling an addiction by going cold turkey."
Look at the support you have.. you are not doing this "cold turkey". You raised your hand.. and asked for help. It's here.. now what do you do?
Little hint..
| | | V
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
i cracked today. i drove to look for h. i went to the gym where i thought he might be. no h. then i drove to the mall. no h. i sat in my car in the mall parking lot. i knew i wasn't well. i called a crisis counsellor. i got mad. i wanted to find a random stranger for a one night stand. heck, if he was doing it. why can't i? i wanted to run away. i called a friend and cried. i was a mess. he told me it was over and it was time to move on. he didn't know how to drill it through my thick skull. it's over he said. i drove home. i saw his car. i walked right passed it. i made something to eat. dinner of toast w/peanut butter. i called my mom. she could sense that i wasn't well. i have no sense of direction. i have no goal. my goal was to own a house. prices have gone up in my home town. do i want to pay $486k for a 2 bdrm condo? not really. can't afford that on my own. maybe i should stay here. housing is cheaper. i could reach my goal. what was the reason for this flip flop? i want the sure win. and i want to win now. i can't look at buying a house as winning. having friends to support me. i have already won.
remember the flywheel concept that jim collins talked about. it takes time to reach that pivotal point when you launch into greatness.
Get yourself a copy of Susan Anderson's "A Journey from Abandonment to Hope." It will explain what's going on with you physically and why you are cycling from pain to strength to despair.
You're still in the very early process here. Your sense of self has been shattered. It's like a death that keeps happening over and over and yet it's worse than death. When someone dies everyone comes over to comfort you. When someone leaves -- well, people say things like 'get over it.'
You are also probably going through withdrawel. Even if you weren't really happy, he was there. It was familiar. It was comfortable.
Find the book and read it. It really helped me.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
It is a Constantly Variable Transmission (CVT) Subaru and Yugo used them with out much success back in the late 80's early 90's. VW had a Semi Automatic back in the day.. you had to shift it like a manual.. but the clutch was "automatic". Anyway.. I digress. I was really hoping you were gonna explain.. how it worked internally.
that's for another rainy day. ;-) when i was learning how to drive a manual, the instructor had a model of it and was explaining it to me. i was too focused on the instructor.
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My favorite tool.. is a smile. By a long shot. You can get away with just about anything.. by smiling. Think about it.. if you walk into a room.. and there is someone smiling.. you look at them and retain them in memory. They exude fun. You can hear a smile on the phone. Any telemarketer will tell you part of their training involves a smile. It changes your "attitude".
i have not been smiling this week. i used to. and i got a lot of attention.
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Try it out.. smile and say something kinda mean to a close friend.
Give a good smile to a unsuspecting random person. You don't have to say a word.. just walk by.. smile and look them in the eyes. Bet you they smile back.
1 person can change things.. with something as simple as a smile.
i will remember that. this task is easy enough to do. baby steps.
and free write. No digging. Gather the thoughts.. focus.. smile.. and write me something nice. Show me you.
i've lost me. i don't know if i just need a break and just go somewhere. even i don't know who i am anymore. what do i want? i don't know. i feel like i'm at crossroads. i either don't make the effort to db and go for the jugular. or db and take the chance that it still may not save the m.
why do i feel like a fool?
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If you can't find you.. how can you possibly expect him to find you? Seems to me you may be waiting a loooong time for that to happen.
how do i find me? i've been swallowed up by my own self-pity. i'm pathetic.
i need something to turn this around. maybe i just need a date or something.
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Look at the support you have.. you are not doing this "cold turkey". You raised your hand.. and asked for help. It's here.. now what do you do?
i will smile. that's my first assignment. i need to learn how to get a date. is dating while you're separated, a faux-pas? i should remove my wedding ring. after all, my h left me so technically i'm not really married anymore.
Gonna find him.. call him out? Put him in his place.
don't tempt me forrest.
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"i got mad. i wanted to find a random stranger for a one night stand."
LOL.. I knew you had the "Dark side" in you.
actually, this would have been a form of self-torture i feel the need to mask the pain of d with an even greater pain. if i went through with it, i would come home and shower 1000 times, scrub my skin untit it was raw and bleeding. then i'd jump off the bridge because i would be so disgusted with myself. it would all end. including the pain.
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This friend.. is saying it is time for you to stand up. I know you want to do it.. you are just scared!
stand up and do what? vogue? give me a reason to stand up. i'm tired.
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No.. you lost control.. and you can't stand it.
You are the one running around on fire.. and you know it!
cuz i don't have a choice. no mc, no explanation. i can't confront h. every time i want to confront h .. i get the question "and how will that change things?" it gives me control. because it determines how hard i'm going to kick him in the gonads when we deal with the settlement.
oh who are we kidding. there will be hell to pay no matter what. you don't d the good girl and expect me to be pollyanna now do you?
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You become.. what you judge. I told you everything you knew.. was just "crap".
could be my lack of sleep but can you expand on this?
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Never gonna happen. Look around.. you are preaching to the choir.
then that means db-ing was about saving ourselves from the grip of depression.
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So.. how goes the "spinning"?
Are we having fun yet?
no but it sure makes you want to start drinking. i already have liver damage. so why delay the inevitable, right?
