Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Thanks everyone. Your replies have really helped me feel comfortable about my response to my W's email.

GM, I know that financial security is a big part of it for my W. Many of my friends think once the house sells that my W might feel a lot less stress and that could be the time she begins to talk. Who knows? I'll have a copy of the His Needs Her Needs book tomorrow. I'll be interested to read the chapter on financial security.

I don't know much about MLC but I think you have a good chance to get through that with your W especially since you are both still in MC. Has your W acknwoledged more of your changes?

Robx, I feel like the NC might be starting to show some signs from W. I'm staying on that path.

Gr8, I'm going to reply to W with pretty much the exact changes that Gucci suggested. Direct and to the point. The only thing I'm still thinking of asking her is a general question like, "how do you feel about it?", like GM suggested. I don't think that's a bad idea. My IC made similar suggestions as well as my DB coach.

I haven't replied to her yet and strangely I don't feel in any rush to reply. I would have jumped at the chance to respond right away a couple of months ago. I think I'm just tired of knowing that her responses to me always make me feel down. I might wait until tomorrow to respond to W. I have my IC appt. tomorrow and might wait to talk to my IC first. Not that I will change anything with my reply but just to get some things off my chest.

To answer your question, no, my W hasn't specifically asked how I'm doing or feeling. I'm sure it's mostly business about the house. However, in this email she did say she wanted to see what I was thinking and she hoped I was having a good week. That's a lot more than I've gotten from her in a long time. Maybe that's the best she can do right now?

This seems ridiculous to me to think this much about how to respond to my W now, when it used to come so easy in the M.

[CityGirl]

This is how I see it...

You are contacting your W less and less. Right now it seems she is very set on selling the house and since you both own the house it is something you will need to work on together (to a point). Of course she will throw in a nice comment here and there as she senses you are slipping away and right now, until the house sells she needs you to be "on call" with her questions and concerns.

I would keep the e-mail very business like as others have suggested. And very good job on waiting a few days to respond. Not all queries from a WAS require an immediate response or a response at all. If she continues to try and make small talk I would let her for some time to come before you engage in anything other than business exchanges. If the small talk only is accompanied by house questions or other administrative tasks you will have your answer. If she begins to reach out in other ways then perhaps you can reciprocate.

My 2 cents.

[mza8]

Thank you CityGirl. I would think her sensing that I am slipping away is exactly what I want her to feel? I would think that could mean that I might be Dbing correctly? I think in some ways I am slipping away.

I don't know why she is making small talk lately? Everything she has emailed me about for the past two weeks are all things she could have taken care of on her own or things she didn't need to tell me. None of this recent contact by her was necessary. At any rate, I'll keep it business on my end.

Any thoughts on when to try to engage in small talk other than business related items? No, I'm not going to pursue. I'm just curious when you take what they give you and try to take it to the next step?

[CityGirl]

Nobody can say for sure why she is making small talk. She could be doing it out of guilt, she could be trying to keep the lines of communication open while the two of you work on selling the house, she could be testing the waters or maybe she thinks this is the first step towards a friendship. Who knows!

In my experience it is very telling when the WAS is "nice and pleasant" only when an exchange regarding administrative tasks comes up but really has no time or interest other than wrapping up the legalities (house, finances) of a M.

And due to the three sets of flowers and the gym issue you do have some ground to make up. And yes, you do want your W to feel you are slipping away and moving forward. If you stick with your C'ing, detachment and GAL endeavors eventually you will be just fine.

IOW, when the WAS starts to send messages about things that really are not necessary they are either fishing, tossing you crumbs so you don't become totally removed and they lose all control or maybe they think it is the "right thing to do". WHO KNOWS! Since we won't know don't waste time trying to figure it out.

As I said, I would try and remain NC for as long as you can (unless it is about the house or some other urgent matter) and if she establishes some sort of pattern of contacting you with small talk aside from business matters then maybe in a few weeks you can respond.

[mza8]

In my experience it is very telling when the WAS is "nice and pleasant" only when an exchange regarding administrative tasks comes up but really has no time or interest other than wrapping up the legalities (house, finances) of a M.

That's what concerns me.

And due to the three sets of flowers and the gym issue you do have some ground to make up.

I know...

if she establishes some sort of pattern of contacting you with small talk aside from business matters then maybe in a few weeks you can respond.

This helps. I guess time will tell.

Thank you CityGirl.

[CityGirl]

I can understand your concern about her only adding small talk to her e-mails when she is contacting you about admin. stuff. It does hurt but it is just how these types of situations play out.

Selling a house and dividing finances is stressful so civilized exchanges are always better. This is a very good time for you to implement boundaries, to practice acting "as if" and really work on detaching from the outcome of this situation.

As I said, not every message from a WAS requires an immediate response or a response at all. Take your time responding and keep the focus on business matters. Be upbeat and pleasant but don't extend yourself anymore than what needs to get done. As time passes and some of these tasks begin to get wrapped up you will get a better idea of her intentions I think.

Actions really do speak louder than words. And your W has given you very clear signals. She was upfront about how uncomfortable the flowers made her and didn't think twice about excluding you from the gym membership even though a joint membership would have been more economical. So, small talk really doesn't reflect her actions, no?

My H and I are a bit younger than your W but were married for 10 yrs (we have been legally separated for 6 months but have not lived together since March of 2008). We don't have children. I know that often times "we" (me and you) cling to administrative type communication as we have no other real reason to talk (such as children) but really, her actions speak much louder than a line or two of small talk.

The goal here is to let her wonder what you are up to. Honestly, if she wonders enough she will begin to pursue you. If not, well, then you know where she stands at this time.

[mza8]

The goal here is to let her wonder what you are up to. Honestly, if she wonders enough she will begin to pursue you. If not, well, then you know where she stands at this time.

Not sure if this is starting to happen now or not. My IC says that when they (WAS) first start to initiate contact it sometimes is in the form of non R items. This is the way they begin to knock on the door. Either way it won't change the path I am on now.

[CityGirl]

I am glad to hear that! I don't disagree with your C but I also know that sometimes actions speak louder than words. And maybe the gym just seemed like too much at the time for her. I would just wait and see how things go and let her do the contacting and reaching out for some time to come.

As you detach and build a new life for yourself you will then be in the position to decide if you want to pursue anything more with your W if such an opportunity presents itself.

My H was in a long term affair, was destroying our finances, we were in a terrible legal battle, he was terribly mean to me yet from time to time he would send me these ridiculous photos of dogs wearing hats via e-mail. I mean, WTF! In his strange mind it was his way of "cheering me up". He wasn't trying to reach out or initiate contact... in his mind he was being a "good guy" by trying to make me laugh. Or at least that is what he told me.

[mza8]

I've been following your sitch too. Unbelievable some of the things your H has done. I agree about the dog emails...WTF? Seriously. Why would someone want to add anymore hurt to the sitch? You have been incredibly strong. I've learned a lot from you.

You know what upset me most about the gym membership? Not that she wanted her individual membership, but the fact that she didn't tell me the truth that she had already renewed by herself two days earlier. Why lie? What's the point? What does she think she gains by not being truthful with me about something so insignificant? Uhhh! Why play that game? In her first email about it she could have just said she renewed and wanted to remind me that the joint memebrship waa about to expire. Maybe that makes too much sense? She knew what she was doing. She knew I was going to ask her if she wanted to split the cost.

I agree with you about her actions speaking louder than words. My IC said that because she has contacted me about things that were unnecessary, it might be her way of trying to keep the lines of communication open. We'll see what happens. My W strikes me as someone who wouldn't make contact if she didn't want to.

When I've been out lately I've noticed women talking to me and being nice (not sure why as I always wear my wedding ring). I am in no way looking for any dating. No thanks. I look at these women and think to myself that while I'm sure they are wonderful people, they aren't my W, they aren't the one I love...

Detaching is hard.

[CityGirl]

Detaching is very hard. No doubt about it.

It took me a LONG time to "get strong"! You will get there, it's a process with lots of setbacks. We are here for you!

A game I used to play with myself (and still sometimes do) is I would allow myself to wallow for 30 min. each day. I would cry and just let it all out. After the 30 min. passed I forced myself to carry on.

Honestly, who knows why your W was not upfront about the gym membership? The WAS is terribly self indulgent and rarely upfront. I could be way wrong but in your case I think your W likes to know that no matter what you will still reach out to her and she proved that nicely by bringing up the gym membership when she had already secured her own.

The bottom line is you both now have your memberships and it's time to carry on and put that issue to bed.

I am sure your W is trying to keep the lines of communication open. You both have lots at stake (proceeds from house sale). IMO once the house is sold then it will be telling on how much she reaches out to you. It is very easy to keep the communication open when thee is $$ at stake. So, see how things go.