I just can't take it anymore

[timehealsall]

How are you today James.

Please hang in there okay.

The pain IS unbearable. But you need to feel those feelings and work through them.

Be strong. please!

[james217]

it's hard to be strong.

This was my best friend. Over the past year she was by my side. When I was sad she cheered me up. She was always so goofy. We had such love and an understanding of the other.

We would laugh and joke through every bad situation.

Now she's gone.

This morning I had a really long cry. I mean I cried like I was 2 years old.

It's just getting to me. the M the disabilities, the kids. Everything.

I am so broken. I'm so saddened. I'm so hurt. Yes I know the exposal really hurt her. But when I saw those sites and all that crap I just wanted to scream I wanted everyone to know what she had done to me.

How it hurt me. How I'm infected. How she shouldn't be lying to anyone else.

I'm so distraught today. I havne't been posting much because I know you guys are tired of hearing me say this stuff.

But it's hard to even get out of bed anymore. I feel drained and zapped of whatever energy I did have.

I get up and go to the garage and smoke. Talk to serenity (she is such an angel) and then sleep or cry some more.

I don't let my family see me cry though.

it's going on 2 weeks without us talking. I've sent a few texts and left a voicemail but have heard nothing.

I think the mutual friend tricked me again. She seems to justify everything WAW does stating she did all of the same things.

*sighs*

Time to go smoke and cry some more. I don't know when I became such a big baby

[timehealsall]

We are never tired of hearing it and you know what? it'll also make you feel better to let it out!

hugs to you!

[james217]

We are never tired of hearing it and you know what? it'll also make you feel better to let it out!

hugs to you!

Thanks t.h.a.

Today I saw s3 for the first time since August. I was so happy. He really wanted to see WAW though. He asked for her. Went into the garage where me and waw would be smoking cigarettes and asked for her. I told him she was gone bye bye right now and his face crumpled. I could tell he was trying not to cry. He said he wanted to talk to her so I called and she did not answer her phone so he left her a voicemail. He was pretty weird and distant after that. They were so inseperable.

man people just don't understand. The children get hurt the most in situations like this.

[james217]

I'm really glad I got to see s3 even for a few mins. I'm supposed to keep him memorial weekend and we will have a talk about waw because I know he is going to ask a million and one questions. He's a very smart child prodigy and misses her I can tell.

but I got to see S3!!

[TimeHeals]

Hi James,

Just checking in on you. I am glad to hear that you got to see your son.

You and I share a bad habbit (smoking). I am thinking about quitting when this pack runs out since I am a lot more steady than I was a few months ago.

[james217]

i also had to cancel my cornea transplant surgery for tommorrow. The state still hasn't scheduled a freaking neurologist so I cannot have anestesia until they find out for sure if i'm only having diabetic seizures or epileptic ones.

Eye doctor stated she talked my division of blind services counselor back on may 7th stating I needed to see a neurologist. NOthing has been done. NOt a single thing.

nothing about the diabetes either.

Just hanging in there. By a single thread that's very close to unraveling

[timehealsall]

I know how hard that must have been. I have little ones and they are the ones that keep me hanging on. They are my life.

Next time you see S3, and he asks about your WAW, I'd just simply say that she is out somewhere or busy or even working.

he doesn't need to know that she's gone bye bye.. it'll lessen the hurt. kwim?

hugs to you friend. hang in there.. you have us here cheering you on!

[CityGirl]

I am glad you were able to see your son and even more glad to hear you have plans to see him again soon. I hope with all my heart you really gain some momentum from such a positive thing! Your son is so young and you will need to take the lead on moving his thoughts away to your W and putting all the focus on the R you share with him.

Were you able to get the at home glucose testing kit? It would be very beneficial to you (IMO of course) to log your daily tests for both your own knowledge and for your dr's. Diabetes isn't the only reason blood sugar runs high.

Is there any way your eye surgeon can advocate on your behalf to the state to move the process along? I just did a web search on "patient advocacy for disabled persons in Texas" and found tons of resources. Not sure where you live exactly but you might try a similar search so you have more avenues to explore.

[Serenity13]

James~

Next time you see S3, and he asks about your WAW, I'd just simply say that she is out somewhere or busy or even working.

he doesn't need to know that she's gone bye bye.. it'll lessen the hurt. kwim?

IMO - This doesn't work...

I learned this lesson the hard way...

I lied to cover for my H for months...

I told our little one he was working, he was away etc...

Anything to lesson the pain and turns out it caused more harm then good...

Better to tell the truth all along.

The child may be 3 however he isn't stupid.

Speak in his language.