Now in MC, if it is goal orientated, then regardless of intent, some goals can be worked on. For example, communication can be worked on.
The session I had with him he made me feel like that was the direction he would take. This doctor also wrote a book called "Thriving Despite a Difficult Marriage" Have not read the book yet, but the excerpts seem to be good. Read them on his site as well as Amazon.
Originally Posted By: Onthemountaintop
So I guess what I'm saying is never say never.
Amen to that. I have played sports my whole life, I totally agree with that statement. I just hope I can get my patience to agree with me. Never have had patience and it is the one thing keeping me from really working the DB'ing. Need to try to start meditating or something
I asked her out for Saturday night. She agreed and asked what we were doing. I told her it was a surprise. I am trying to come up with something different. Any suggestions out there. I know that I know her best and should be able to come up with something, but I was hoping something a little bit romantic. Or is that too much?
That is exactly what you do...work. If something doesn't work, try something different. You are - the surprise sounds like a great idea~
Maybe avoid any pressure/expectations of the nice night leading too far. Just have a great time as husband and wife. You brought her heart to yours in the past...you can do it again if she'll let you (ie ... don't rush a good thing, enjoy it instead)
Good to see things are progressing (even if slowly). Things are almost moving in that direction for me.
I have recently discovered that I was soo backwards on the idea of love languages with W and that if I had read it years earlier it would have been so helpful. My sitch is similar and we still live in the same house. I've been trying to approach her like with the message sitch. How did you do it without seeming too persuing?
I have an unfortunate update. We were busy Sat. morning with S soccer game. After, actually a little before it was over, she left with MIL for a meeting of a womens group she is part of. After the meeting and since they were rained out on Mothers Day, W came home to pick up S and went to MIL house. Before she left I said we are still on for tonight right? and she said, oh I forgot but whatever, should be done by 8:30 or 9 o'clock. Did not sound the slightest bit inteterested. So I said yeah I will call later with details. Then I started worknig in the yard and was pretty tired. I realized she would be tired so I called her and canceled and she said that it would be best. What makes me mad is that she could leave S soccer game early for a stinking NON-ESSENTIAL meeting but could not leave MIL house a little earlier than planned to go out with me. Not to mention she did not get home until after 10. But I acted like that was no problem.
Then I asked if she would bring S to my soccer game on Sun. morning. She just flatly said NO. She said he had a big day today so I do not want to get him up early tomorrow. The real issue here is she is tired from getting up early all week and going to bed at 1 or 2 in the morning doing god knows what. Such as being on the F*&*(@*$ Facebook. I HATE THAT D*$% web site. She is addicted becasue she has a false sense of security, and feels like she can do things she normally could not. And I believe doing things she should not but who knows. I have heard so many problems caused in M from this and other social netowrking sites. We had a friend that got divorced because he was spending most of his day in chat rooms on AOL way back before FB and MS. So the weekend FLOPPED in a major way.
Good to see things are progressing (even if slowly). Things are almost moving in that direction for me.
Good luck to you. I keep getting 2 steps forward 1 or 2 back. VERY frustrating.
Originally Posted By: Tattoo_you
I have recently discovered that I was soo backwards on the idea of love languages with W and that if I had read it years earlier it would have been so helpful.
What did you read? I have read 6 books since she left and each one has given me more tools and better understanding.
Originally Posted By: Tattoo_you
My sitch is similar and we still live in the same house. I've been trying to approach her like with the message sitch. How did you do it without seeming too persuing?
Learning patience. Still not great at it. I am such a typical guy, I wanted things fixed yesterday. The thing that really tweeks me is that if she actually told me what was wrong over the years we would not be in the situation. She is a typical female that thinks the guy should just know what was wrong. If I did then there would not be any problems. I am not great with the not pursuing, it seems tougher for us that still live with them not to pursue I think, maybe not. You always have to think, is what I am about to do going to help or hurt. I know the need to have your W back! But if you do just remember she needs space and time. That is mostly how I do it. I have been FURIOUS with her several times over the last few weeks. Blood boiling pissed, but I did not let her know. Left the house or ussually she was not home and phoned a friend to calm myself down before she got home. I have noticed that she does stuff on purpose to try and test me. I will just answer if I need to and leave teh room. All kinds of things help me.
Did you consider how she might have felt when you cancelled? Did she think, "I guess I'm not that important...I'll go on Facebook?"
No I did not consider that. She just totally seemed like she did not want to go. Body language and she was just like whatever. She started talking Sunday evening about how much other stuff she wanted to do other than what she did Saturday. I asked what that was and she said that she did not remember. I do not know if she meant me, friends, or cleaning OUR house which she never does. I clean, do all of the yard work and do so much of the work needed around the house and she sits on the stinking computer. I just want to go to MC so we can get all of this out. But if she is not willing to talk it will be a giant waste of time. I see IC this week, I am going to discuss strategy with finding out W willingness to go to MC with my IC.
So I was thinking today that before we get into a fight and I then throw out the idea of going to MC again, I would try to do it during a time of peace. She reluctantly agreed before but we also were in a fight just before that. I think we can go a long way to fixing things if MC can get her to open up. The more I think about the situation, the more I believe that her family has caused damage that I have unintentionally poured salt into the wounds. So if a MC can get her to open up I think we can get a lot more healed. She personally is hurting I know by the things she tells me. But I cannot do anything about it until she says what hurts.
So my question is, how do I introduce the idea of going to a MC in a non-aggressive way so that she does not feel controlled or manipulated?
I was thinking of saying something like, "I feel like I need to come to grips with the problems I brought to our relationship. But to fully understand what has happened and what to do I think we need to seek professional counseling. I have researched for the best MC our insurance will pay for and I would like to invite you to go with me."
What do you guys think? I just know I want to be non-offensive but also confident and not begging. Also, what do I do if she says "no, it is over" I just want to be prepared because I do not want to beg.
So my question is, how do I introduce the idea of going to a MC in a non-aggressive way so that she does not feel controlled or manipulated?
let her bring it up
180 it
make it a goal
how would you approach it now?
Last edited by Coach; 05/19/1008:25 PM.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
