Quote: Tunnelus Rattus Assumptoria ad infinitum Brainii Disruptus
Funny stuff. I really like the terminology you all are coming up with here, somehow it takes the edge off of the not-so-funny behavior from our spouses.
You ripped up the 'goods' eh? And it felt good? Hmmm... Tempting, tempting, tempting...
So our pal Pam told you to stop by here for a laugh, huh? Well I can understand why, she and I used to get pretty goofy together. A sense of humor helped save my marriage and...... my H's life. I don't know what I would I have done without those moments of shared humor here on the bb.
Oh wait... Let me just take a quick look at an old 'to do' list. Ok, here we go...
1. Dog doodoo in the shoe - check, 2. Hemlock stew for dinner - check, 3. 2 x 4 by the door - check.
I was headed for a padded and/or jail cell - wasn't I.
Quote: Selective memory and selective hearing is pretty common, huh?
Apparently it's as common as fruit flies on a compost heap.
Rachael,
Quote: Sometimes they change things just for the sake of it-not that it's better. Who decides this stuff anyway???
Folks who have decided that 'democracy' is a hinderance for them.
Quote: I'm going through some kind of withdrawal here. I'm scared to death to stop initiating contact with my H for fear he'll hook up with the OW. He may already have. He says no, but you know.... the truth Ain't in em'!
I know how you feel. But I also know from personal experience that anything viewed by our spouses as 'persuing', 'clingy' or 'negative' will work AGAINST us.
When that horrible feeling lands on you, come hang out with us.
Or do something else that will help you ride out the tide. This awfulness will pass. Maybe not as quickly as you are wishing for, but it WILL pass.
How about writing out a 'I won't do any of this stuff' list making it as specific as possible. Such as - I will NOT ask H questions about OW - period. I will NOT have a long face when H is in the same room. And so on.
Then make out a list of what you WILL do. I WILL smile at H when he walks in the door. I WILL go to the store and get 'Five Love Languages' and read from it at least once a day until I finish it. (Hint-hint.) And so forth.
Now for the really tough one - try to steer away from thoughts about OW. That business is out of your control and thinking about it will only screw you up. Keep your mind on your goal and how you're going to reach it. Discipline, discipline, discipline. Slave master here.
It's a high-wire act to be sure, sweetie. But you CAN do it. We're right here with you. You are NOT alone.
And yes, you are not the only one to have "violent fantasies".
Just minutes ago as I was leaving the dining area where my H was seated, I hear him saying "Where are you going?"
I answered, "I'm going into the living room" to which he replied, "No you're not, you're coming over here." He had a very loving expression on his face as he indicated that this was not negotiable.
Yea! All systems go!
He then reached out and put his arm around me, drew me close and asked in a luscious tone "So how are you liking your life NOW?"
Oh be still my beating heart.
"Better." "Much better." I replied with an suppressible smile.
His face glowed warm and peaceful and then he kissed and held me close.
After a few moments, I asked him the same. His eyes smiled as he answered, "I'm liking it, really liking it!"
What can I say? I'm feeling loved. For the first time in a long time.
That's AWESOME Jeannine! Isn't it wonderful when they FINALLY are saying and doing what we thought was just a pipedream? Your living proof of just how much a R can change. You say, "Who Knew?" I say you had a goal and you never gave up. Now you know, and I'm glad you do because you can pass your wisdom on to us who are inching along ever so slowly. Yes, A list is in order. The do's and the dont's. Did you ever make one that you can share with me? I'll have plenty of my own, but since what you did worked, I'd be mighty glad to hear yours. I think it's something we need to never lose sight of-those things that work against us, and those that draw us nearer to our goals. I'll share it on my thread-there's something to be said for putting your thoughts to paper. It makes it, well, like legitiamte or something like that. I thank you for your understanding when I rant.(yikes!) I'm going to go through alot of emotions in this process and it's good to know that I won't be judged by my fellow BB buddies - Some of the most awesome people I've ever had the pleasure to get to know. Jeannine, you really do rock! Thanks. Rachael
Well for those of you who have kept up with my situation, you might recall that last summer my H went to Alaska on vacation and stayed with his eldest sister who lives there. He confided in her about his infidelity and other 'stuff' which he did not elaborate on with me.
His sister used to email both of us on a regular basis or at least included me in the exchanges. All of that ceased earlier in the year when my H went alien and I can only guess that he had spoken to her over the phone about 'stuff'.
It was then that she (apparently) chose to put me in her delete file. After he came back from Alaska, she continued to behave as though I wasn't in the picture.
Okay, I realize that this could all be due to her not knowing how to handle an awkward situation, staying out of the middle, showing solidarity with her brother, not knowing where things were headed or any number of things.
Well, she arrived here this past Wednesday on vacation and is presently staying in our house over on Parkside. I found this out after the fact – by the way.
Anyway, we all went for family photos Wednesday night and H was terrific. He was enthusiastic about having a photo of just the two of usand was attentive and warm to me.
Although his sister was friendly and pleasant toward me when I saw her, she quietly made plans with my H that did not include me.
Okay, no problemo. Some 'alone time' between family members is a good thing.
Thursday morning. I answered a call from his mom in which she wanted me to convey something to her son in reference to the lunch date he was having with his sister - in an hour…. Hello? As I was conveying his mom’s message , I knew that the “cat was out of the bag”, so to speak , so I told him that I had no problem with the lunch thing and that I thought that he and his sister should have some time together, just the two of them. I sensed his relief as I dispelled any doubt or concern over what might otherwise have been an embarrassing moment.
I had also hoped that my gesture of goodwill would make it easier for him to be more open about any other family plans that he has made without my knowledge. However, it was not to be. They had already made other plans that did not included me.
One of those plans was to go artifact hunting in the woods, (something my H and I enjoy doing together) but here again, I was not invited.
Although my H did not invite me along, nor did he explain why, he did treat me with a great deal of sweetness this morning before leaving to pick her up. I tried very hard not to let my hurt show, but I think he sensed something a little off with me. I was terribly uncomfortable after he left because I felt that I hadn't met his joyful affection with enough selfless enthusiasm and did not want to dampen his spirits on his day out.
Therefore, I made a thought-out decision to call him on his way over to meet with his sister and to tell him “I love you, have a great day and bring home some trophies”. Short and simple.
Our cell phones have caller ID, making it perfectly clear who’s calling - so when a woman answered the phone and acted unaware of who I was, I was a bit confused. I said, "Ooh, I'm sorry, I must have called the wrong number.” Small pause . I then recited the number that I was trying to reach, and this is when she finally informed me that it was she, his sister, and that he’d lent her his phone to use. Ok. Again, no problem. She said that he had not arrived yet and asked me if I wanted her to tell him to call me back.
I DISTINCTLY replied "yes, please".
Well an hour and a half past and I did not receive a call back.
Now I'm thinking, "oh boy, he either doesn't WANT to call me or she didn't tell him..." I thought awhile and then decided I’d call him rather than wait any longer.
When he answered the phone, he sounded fine. "I guess your sister forgot to tell you that I called earlier?" I carefully mentioned. "No, actually she did tell me, but when I asked her if you wanted me to call back, she said 'NO'.
Alright, I know that there’s the possibility that she wasn't paying close attention to my answer or that she was distracted by monkeys flying out of her butt as I clearly pronounced the words "Yes, please". I can’t help getting the distinct impression that she’s not very keen on sharing her brother's attention with me.
She's had bad luck in the love-life department, to which I can relate and truly feel sympathy for her. She’s had several dead-end relationships, a short-lived, miserable marriage, followed by a broken engagement with another chap and so on.
Over the years, she has been heard to say some unkind things to me. Always in front of others, too. For example – she took great pleasure in reciting a love poem I had written for my H. She went out of her way to make it sound foolish and stupid. She did this in front of an audience consisting of my brother, her boyfriend (at the time) and my H. It was embarrassing for everybody - except her.
On another occasion, she took a nasty verbal swipe at me in front of another group of people. Apparently, in her world, I had laughed too long and too hard over something someone said that I found particularly funny. The odd thing is though; she is genuinely nice most of the time. I don’t get it.
I really don’t want to say or do anything that might distance any of my in-laws. They're nice people; it’s just that sometimes they tend to behave in less than 'mature' ways.
When any of my family members are around, they ALWAYS include my H and treat him with a great deal of respect and warmth.
Perhaps this difference in tribal protocol is causing me to feel everything from wobbliness to down right irritation.
Small stuff - I know. I guess I just needed to air out that room.
Jeannine...I'm so sorry that h's sister is being so, well, alien like herself...the silver lining, I suppose, is that it DID give you a chance to show h all of your grace and understanding (and excellent DB skills!). By letting him BE you reminded him that he can be himself with you and let you in on his life and choices.
BTW...I love the absence of judgement and ASSumption when h didn't call you back right away! You've come a long way, baby! (h, too!)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Funny stuff. I really like the terminology you all are coming up with here, somehow it takes the edge off of the not-so-funny behavior from our spouses.
