Lotus is right about these conversations. I feel much better after we have one. I feel connection. The last one was by far one where he opened up. He had told my gf he would take the step and just do what it needs to be done. Not what he can do. And that for him means open up to me about the past and the present.
And Gypsy got my point about my dearest gf. I felt I dont want others again as intermediates. Because we NEED to deal with it whatever it is, together, me and him. I even felt hurt he talked to her and cant to me.
PTSD sounds correct. I think I am finally realising and dealing with what happened. I am feeling disgusted and angry, upset and helpless. The sticking point is -and therein lies the secret I believe- that I have this phrase in my head (and the associated feelings) "no matter what you do, how good you are, you cant change the past-period".
I wonder if this has indeed been a surprise to him as well. I wonder if he had pushed the case as closed in his mind. I wonder if he is surprised the strong Maria cant handle it. I have to ask that.
My GF tried to explain -he asked- why I now seem obsessed with OW as a person as well. She told him she sees that too and gave him an example of a recent experience we had together. We were walking in the terminal building and I saw someone in a distance that looked like OW. I immediately panicked and was searching for a corner to hide and catch my breath. Not out of fear, trying to control me. He said OW should be worried, not Maria.
Ali, I want to surrender. That's why I am here. I just dont know how without...giving in. It's common from what I read to mix right and justice with forgiveness and letting go of the past. To resist giving because you are scared of being let down again. In one book it says this may be the last obstacle to true reconciliation and the beginning of a relationship worth having. That many couples actually do fall apart during this time. Guess what? Time WILL tell.
