VERY busy weekend. D13 and her sb team were undefeated and brought home championship trophies! She struggled some on Saturday, but rocked on Sunday (pitched all but 1 inning of 3 games). Got home at 9:30 --- so am starting the week behind. I have to go out of town for training tomorrow, so it will be a short week!
H as weird as ever on the trip.....no use trying to figure it out.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
A very hard weekend for me. Monday is our 24th anniversary. I think the last we "celebrated" was our 20th....maybe 21. Our very best friends from high school....and beyond, have a daughter 1 year older than D16. She is graduating today. Now. H took D16 to the graduation (2.5 hrs away - in our hometown). I stayed with the other 2 kids, even though it was "his" weekend, because there was a possibility that S11 would be playing baseball this evening---but rained out. I wish I was there. I wish WE were there together.....where "we" started....when all was so simple. I still remember falling in love. I still remember how that felt.....and still have that in my heart.
I'm thankful to have the kids with me, otherwise would probably be in bed being emotional........trying to keep from dredging up all of the feelings of how unfair this all is and if only........and why?????
I read somewhere here that it is ok to continue to acknowledge anniversaries.....because without that day you wouldn't have all the good memories, and kids......I do believe that, but it is STILL very painful.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Made it to work today. Hope I can get through the day. At this point it's doubtful. Today DOES mean something to me.
Went to D16's BF's graduation last night. I took D13 with me (long story). H took S11. We got there first, had plenty of space next to where we were sitting. H and S came in and stood by the door for the whole ceremony. I tried, and D tried several times to get their attention, to let them know they could sit with us, but I guess they didn't see us.
Anyway, it was very hard, sitting there, knowing that D will be graduating next year. Thinking about all of the senior activities, and "lasts" of her high school year.....culminated by her name being read at graduation as the daughter of two separate parents -- it never stuck out to me before that when names are read of divorce parents that they are read as Father X and Mother X, instead of Mother and Father X........it will be a very hard year.
I got the mail out of the box from Saturday last night. My latest statement from L was in there indicating two conversations with my H. I sent L an e-mail asking her to let me know the details. Apparently I am going to need to ask that she keep me posted when he makes contact. Anyway - of course hit me wrong, on the wrong day.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I'm feeling very down again. I know it's the time of year, and I know (I hope) it will pass.
I still love my H. I KNOW I have to let him go. At times I feel like I can, but then things like "the anniversary" pops up...with absolutely NO acknowledgement---in fact, last night he took all three kids to D13's softball practice. He normally doesn't---so even on "his nights" I get some time with one or more of the kids. He came. Loaded them up, and was off. No, I didn't act upbeat, but I handled the business at hand (transferring stuff) and was polite. I didn't really want to be alone, but I accepted that as it is.
Mother's Day - at D13's softball tournament----had complete strangers wishing me happy mother's day. Ignored by H. I am still the mother of his children. I remember many months ago writing to him in an e-mail that I thought he was a good father----something I have told him from the beginning of all of this. He has not once told me that he thinks I am a good mother. I know I am a da** good mother, and I don't know why I want or need acknowledgement from him on that point, but I do.
We are still married, although I know that doesn't mean anything to H. He has made that abundantly clear. He has taken his ring off. This was after I told him to, when he e-mailed me to tell me to get a lawyer and proceed with divorce. I took mine off for about 48 hours, but can't seem to take it off again.
I checked in with My L about recent billing statement. She says he called her asking about progress on D and she reminded him that I was not filing and that if he had a proposal he was to send it to her. He said he would. That was on 4/27. He has not contacted her since. I don't think that means anything either. I know he has no concept of time and doesn't realize how long it's been and/or is dealing with an attorney/friend to help him.
I am still overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, failing at my marriage and what that means for my kids---why didn't I recognize the warning signs and "wake up" sooner. I still feel like there must truly be something wrong with me if H doesn't want to come back to me and our family. I have tried so hard to make the necessary changes, and changes for me. I think I am worthy of his love. I don't know how someone can just fall out of love.....I know there were never any guarantees, but THIS still all feels so wrong.
I didn't have one family member or friend contact me last night to see how I was doing - I guess I should be over it by now. I wish I could just be over him, but I'm obviously not. It was not "just another day" for me.
MLC??? I don't know anymore. I thought it all fit. Some of it still does, but at this point, it really doesn't matter. Is he with the OW (still) or again. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to know, but other times I don't. Somedays I look at him and how he treats me after all that we have been to each other and I wonder how can this be the same man? Do people really change THAT much?
I am just so tired of being around someone that has and always will mean so much to me and have him treat me like I have the plague/like I mean nothing to him/have never meant anything to him/and now am just someone he has to deal with. Do I really have a lifetiime of this to face?
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I had a dream last night that my H came over wearing his wedding ring. (He looked and acted like HIM - not the strange stand-offish acquaintance that he has become.) He took it off and gave it to me and said that he had decided that he wanted to restore our marriage, but wanted me to hold on to the ring until he had done enough work to make wearing it again mean something (or something like that....it was a dream)......anyway, woke up in a sweat, realized that THAT is not my reality................
A bit better today. Good that the low points don't last as long as they used to - AND I didn't resort to some long emotional rant e-mail to H.....................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Friends and family don't know what to say. My experience has also been that some "friends" just want the dirt, how you are comes secondary if that.
I am coming up on my 2nd un-anniversary next week. Just going to stay busy. I still remember my wedding. No reason to act like it never happened. But my marriage or ending of it can't define me as a person. I am coming into so much more now. I am doing things my ex never would. I am doing these things with my kids, friends or on my own.
It is ok to mourn. I mourned after he moved out, throughout the D and even maybe a year or so after. Recently I have started going out/dating. I just don't want to see you so caught up in the mourning period that you forget to move out of it.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Just checking in. There isn't really anything to add.
My D13 had emergency appendectomy on 6/1. Luckily, all went well and smoothly. Things have been crazy since. A lot of softball. A lot of crap. (I'm doing my best not to dwell on the crap.) A lot of just trying to survive the schedules.
Yesterday marked 2 yrs since H moved out. I am doing my best to finally prepare myself (internally) for the end. I know my H is mad that I won't file. I won't pretend that this is a mutual thing. I truly expect that he is working on the D on his own and possibly waiting until the end of ball season (2 weeks) to dump it on me/my attorney. Mostly he just seems angry when he has anything to do with me. It's hard because I still don't understand how we got to this point. I still wish I could turn back time.
I know that I now only love who he used to be, and not who he is now I suppose that's how he feels as well. It doesn't help. I haven't been able to use that knowledge to accept the end of my marriage yet, but I hope to someday. I'm doing my best to move forward. I live my life for me and my kids.....mostly for my kids.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
