The dreaded LIMBO

[4luv]

So nothing new to report but I figured I should put something on my thread...lol.

Husband made an appointment with my FT. I todl him I would go to the first appointment with him (he asked). I do not plan on addressing any of my issues in this session with husband but really wanted to go to get a feel of what husband was going to say to FT. I hope I can keep my cool but if I hear husband come out with an ounce of BS I will most likely call him on it. I also plan to use this session to spell out my transparency plan and the need for it (this is the ONLY thing I would like to discuss). I feel better bringing it up during the FT session because I know that FT will back me up on it and explain it better than I can if husband doesn't understand. Remember that husband agreed to change his number but he hasn't done it yet and I haven't brought it up again (even though this is still what I want). I promised myself that I wasn't going to spell out HOW husband needs to earn my trust. I want to see what steps he takes on his own.

I do talk to husband but we mostly talk via email or text now. I don't know if the feelings are coming back or will ever come back to how I once felt about him. Still so much hurt adn some of the things he told me about his affair I haven't even begun to process all my feelings. I plan on seeing my FT alone to address these first because I don't want my stuff and husband's stuff to be addressed together right now.

Everything seems to be moving soooo slow. I mean its only been two weeks but it just seems as things are going so slow. I feel that husband should have changed his number immediately; however, I read that Puppy said his wife took a full month before she sent her NC letter to OM. I just assumed that the cheating spouse would do everything all at once.

I guess I need to remain patient and see if husband actually makes the changes that I need in order to feel safe that he will not cheat again and that he is fully committed to our family. I have continued to GAL and work on my business. I noticed that my mind was all a mess that first week that he kept saying that he wanted his family back and I had all that anger. I decided to detach again and luckily had my business to take my mind off the relationship. This is also the reason I hadn't updated my stitch...I just didn't want to think about it AT ALL :-)

I realize this post is all over the place but it just happens to be the effect of this LARGE iced coffee (no cream or sugar) I drank due to lack of sleep (lots of orders to fill for Mother's Day)!

[newmama]

4Luv, it is good that your H made the appointment with your FT. And yes, it seems like when R is done right, it is slow. That's why GAL helps!!! Good for you- you can post anything you want you know. I ramble all the time, lol!

[Allen A]

It will be slow... That's GOOD.. it gives you time to gauge his motives... if it all flew at you at once your head woudl be spinning and you would be pressed to just take him back blind.

I really don't reccomend you talking to him at all... You have a FT you can work through for info... But, you aren't gonna listen so I won't waste time arguing the point lol

I think if you push for a transparency plan heavy your H will turn that into a game and try to outsmart you... don't push too heavy on the TP plan. You should have one, but don't make that the beginning and end of the session.

Right now your H hasn't done anything to warrant trust yet... He's escaping from OW to you... That's all he's doing right now... This does NOT mean HE has grown up at all.

Remember a few months back he was excited about getting a "bachelor pad"... Now OW gives him an ultimatum and he runs to you?

You need to back up a LONG step or two... You already sound like you are rushing into marriage again...

I don't trust this guy even half an eyeblink yet...

Has he made his cell phone records available to you voluntarilly?

Don't ask for them.. Just wait to see if he offers them up...

If he doesn't.. that's not a good sign.

[4luv]

So things are still going slow :-)

I have started re-reading "Not Just Friends" and some parts are so hard to read but it is REALLY helpful. I realize that the way I handled things when husband cheated on me when we were dating was ALL WRONG and now I see how I carried some of those actions into our marriage. I NEVER let husband forget that he cheated on me. I used to try and wear him down with the constant questioning and the continuous hurtful things I would say. It was like I felt justified in any hurtful actions or mistakes I made because in my mind he cheated and NOTHING I would do or did would ever be as worst as that. I also used to almost try and make him pay for his betrayal and I carried on that way into our marriage. For example, I used to have crazy demands when I was pregnant and some of them were because I wanted to test how dedicated he was to me. I didn't do it on purpose but indirectly I was testing him. I told him I forgave him and I don't think I ever really did. I wanted payback and this book is helping me see how I handled things so inappropriately and how I never learned how to heal from that betrayal.

Husband has told me that he wishes I would tell him how I feel about everything. I told him I am not ready as if I let it all out I dont know if I can deal with all the feelings. It is like husband and I have switched places. He used to always suppress his feelings and I used to always talk about mine. Now I am suppressing my feelings and he is mister talk about feelings now. He says that he was a ticking time bomb and one lesson that he has learned is that he has to get things out or it will just build up inside of him and he will act out or blow up all at once. Also, I feel funny bombarding husband with questions about the affair, quesitons of what was he thinking etc., so husband suggested that we send emails to each other. I typed up one email but haven't sent it yet.

My husband is coming to visit for mother's day weekend. This is my second mother's day and for my first mother's day that is when I really noticed that things were not as good between husband and I. We didn't even spend it together because i was staying at my parent's house and husband decided that he didn't want to miss work to travel down. Last year he got me a custom made card that said "For my Wife, 4luv...the best mother in the world." I also got some flowers from husband. I didn't even really notice the card last year because I was hurt that husband didn't realize the importance of spending the holiday with me. Now looking back, the card was very nice (hand painted) and I could have been a little more appreciative.

My dad will not allow husband in the house so he is getting a hotel room. Other than that husband has planned an outing for me at a sushi restaurant and bike riding on the beach. I don't know what else but hopefully will be a fun weekend.


Also, I am not going to be able to go to the therapy session with husband which I am kinda bummed about. Husband is still going and actually seems like he is looking forward to it. My only thing is that i am constantly on the look out for husband just manipulating me. I want to believe that he is getting help because he actually wants to get help and not because he thinks that is what is going to make him look good in my eyes or his/my family eyes.

[newmama]

Hmm...first, don't beat yourself up too much about "responding the wrong way" about the A when you first found out. 1) I think it is rare for someone to be "prepared" and handle the A in a rational way! Seriously- did you ever research what to do in case your H was cheating? I never ever thought it would happen and certainly didn't! 2) you were pregnant. Psychologically, even women in happy marriages have fear of abandonment when they are pregnant. It is an instinct.

You know is it so bad that initially the reason your H is going to FT might be for those other reasons? It's the whole external locus thing....it starts off being for other people but once he gets in there, he will be looking at himself and it will turn to internal locus of motivation.

Last, obviously your H wants to reconcile so your previous actions that you are beating yourself up about don't really matter at this point....know what I mean?

[4luv]

Hi Everyone!!

I have been checking in on the usual stitches that I follow (i.e. newmama, ken, mb28, and a few others) but haven't had the time to sit and write out responses (which I will get to) or even update my own stitch. My business start up is going great and I just got the final design of my company logo from the graphics designer :-)

Marriage wise we seem to still be moving forward with reconciliation. I feel that I am having to really make an effort to "not go there" with the negative thoughts in order to really make a go at reconciling which is VERY hard. Sometimes I feel the feelings come back for my husband and others time I feel upset and want to throw in the towel. I also still don't trust my husband which in my opinion he hasn't done anything to earn that yet. THis is something that I plan to address during the next therapy session. My husband has said "I love you" a few times which seems more real to me than if he was saying it all willy nilly from the beginning. HE has also continued with the therapy and I think I will join him for his next appointment (the therapist thinks I should come as well). Anyway, we are still separated and the therapists has suggested that we remain separated for a few months to make sure that we really take the time to address what got husband to the point of cheating. However, the therapists told my husband that he does recommend that we AT LEAST live in the same city and same state while we are separated but remain in different houses for now. The therapists says that alot of times couples separate and then get back together too quickly (due to money constraints, children, etc.) without really addressing the real problem that led them to separate in the first place. The FT basically doesn't want us to get back together out of convenience. This is all stuff that the FT told me b4 when I was seeing him on my own. Husband was telling me what the FT said to him as well which is what I just wrote above.

So husband has been applying to several jobs in the state where I am which is our home state. I sometimes get impatient with the whole separation thing but I know that it is the best thing for me and for husband. The FT told husband and I on separate occasions that the type of long distance separation that we have can be more harmful than useful because we both might get used to the long distance relationship again because that is what we are used to and it doesn't facilitate building a real relationship that we would need to sustain marriage.

Another thing that has been bothering me that I told husband is that more than the cheating it really is hard for me to forgive the way that he treated me and our family during his affair. The only thing he tells me in response is that he is sorry and that he doesn't have an excuse for how he acted except to say that he was just very selfish and only thought about himself. I told him that I felt that him saying he was selfish is just a cop out and I need him to really look at how he could treat me that way. Hopefully this is something that he or we explore during the therapy session. I just don't get how someone can treat another person that they claim to love with such disdain and disrespect.

[Allen A]

Ask him if he hyothetically had a daughter who was married and her H treated her the way he treated you, how he would feel.

I think the biggest wake up call I got when I was young was someone saying "treat your wife the way you would want someone treating your daughter when she gets married"

I would like to hear a detailed response from him about how he would both FEEL and REACT if he had a daughter and learned a man was treating her the way he does and did to you.

[Allen A]

And for the record... Yah... "I was selfish IS a cop-out"

I dunno 4luv, I would make this guy d-bust for six months wtihout putting any time into your marriage yourself.. make him do 100% of the heavy lifting for at least six months to see if he's really gonna stick to it. You did 100% of the heavy lifting under EXTREME DURESS for HOW LONG?

Let him try that ride out for a while... It just seems like you are working 50-50 with him right now and he's still dissappointing you.

[4luv]

Allen,

Thanks for the reply :-) I have been going back and forth about how much effort I should be putting in. I thought about it and concluded that the reason I even came to this site was to save our marriage and for us to not divorce and work on things. If my husband has come to a point where he wants to do this I have to ask myself is it really beneficial for me to hold everything over his head. Now I am not saying that I sweep everything under the rug but just as much as he has to earn trust, see a therapist to examine his issues, show me affection, prove to me that he understands that pain and hurt he caused, etc....I also have to work on forgiveness. If I was going to "leave him alone" once he came to a point to actually give this marriage 100% then I should not have even been on this site.

Now the flip side of this argument is that by actually coming to this site I realized that the bigger goal was not saving my marriage but rather saving myself form the destructive and hurtful behavior that my husband was spewing to me during his affair. Right now I am feeling very strong and feel like slapping myself for putting up with his bull chit for an entire year. The current me would NOT stand for that right now and sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't deserve a chance to have our family ever again! But then again I go back to a moment when things were really rough for me emotionally when I was living with husband and I sat in my closet and prayed to God to give us another chance. I talked to God and said that I would be more forgiving and appreciate my husband more.

So if I am not willing to move towards husband when and while he is taking double the effort then what was the point of the entire year that I was divorce busting.

see my dilemma...yes my head is spinning right now :-) But this is how I go back and forth between lets forgive to he doesn't deserve me. I also think about the fact that I am young and I could end up in a committed relationship/marriage with someone else who wouldn't EVER cheat on me or treat me that way.

[4luv]

Something I wanted to add that my husband bought up during one of our recent conversations:

1. He DID notice my changes before I moved out. The changes that I was making to improve made him mad while I was with him but after I moved out he started to remember and miss the things I would do. He was still seeing OW but my changes were noticeable and he would often say "4luv wasn't really bad" or "why am I even cheating with OW". This all came from my husband without me even mentioning anything about my changes or anything about the relationship. He just bought it up. So our WS do notice our changes. Husband said what made him mad at the time he was in his affair is that he didn't understand why I was being all nice and helpful and trying to do the things that he had wished I would do before the affair.

2. HE thought about me all the time after I moved out and wouldn't call him. He would check my facebook page just to get an idea of what I was up to because I wouldn't talk to him about my life once I moved out. I thought this was funny because I felt like I was the WORST DBer but I guess it was a 180 from my usual talkative self with husband before all of this. The moral is that you have to focus on yourself, GAL, and be vague. I guess it is human nature to have that which is mysterious and out of reach.

3. Husband says he wished I wouldn't taken all of that crap from him. He says that he feels he needed help. He wishes that I would have approached him and said "Look, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WHO YOU ARE DOING IT WITH AND IF YOU DON'T QUIT THEN I AM LEAVING." He wishes that I would not have taken crap for so long. When I said you should appreciate the fact that I took your crap in order to save our marriage, my husband replied "why should I appreciate you taking crap? No one should take crap."