no fb2, I dont want to hurt him. I feel compassion for him for having to deal with me.
I know you don't want to hurt him, but your reactions seem to be doing the opposite, because you are hurting and you have been badly hurt. In the past he could not handle your emotions so he strayed. Maybe he learned some skills now to deal with you as you are. But he betrayed your trust and there's the natural fear he'd do it again and he actually may. Seems healthy to me to have this fear or need for insurance as a defense mechanism. PTSD ... we hope the bad memories can get erased and replaced with some very good ones ... so in time you won't want to go back there to those dark places. You can't do it alone and it could happen in some mysterious way - but you could use a lot of help, support, prayer.
