Finally getting a chance to post. Work has been nuts!
I think your response to your H was excellent. When I hear you say your D is final, part of me is jealous. I really should have just gotten it done last year when my W was motivated to do so. I'd be happier now, and even if I wanted to reconcile, I think it would be easier with a settled D agreement, rather than this legal limbo we live in. Now I feel like if I push the D, then I'm the bad guy.
I'm trying not to jump into anything, but W and I did spend quite a bit of time together over the weekend. She shared her time with the kids with me, and I shared my time with her. I did it just to see what it felt like. It felt ok, but I was surprised how well my detachment held up. By the end of the weekend I was feeling a little re-attached, and also like I was being reckless and foolish.
As time has gone by, my W has dropped her resentment, anger, and much of her distance. She does seem like she has done a lot of self reflection and worked on herself, and she seems to have genuine love and affection for me. I have gone from co-dependent, needy, and wounded, to stronger, healthier, and better than I've ever been. I do have protective walls up toward my W to keep myself safe. We might have the ingredients for a reconciliation, but... her A sits as a giant mountain between us. It has cut an enormous gaping wound into our M, a wound that very well might be fatal. How could we ever get past it? Can she ever forget the fantasy of her A with OM? Can I ever believe she is committed to me and our M? It seems impossible, and so here we are.
