Thanks for your insight into the journey both you and your H have taken.
I too have been able to stand back and watch my H moving through his tunnel. I feel his deep depression, his pain and confusion about where he is. I also feel the guilt he has when he looks at his children and sees them in crisis as a result of what he has done to travel his journey. As you have pointed out his memory is atrocious and we frequently have the same conversation but he can remember vividly conversations and things that happened in the '80's.
My journey is just as interesting. I have had to learn patience by the bucket load. As a nurse I am used to fixing people but I have had to stand back and let him fall without me stopping him. Thats a complete 180 for me! Many times I want to hold his hand and help but I know I can't. I am also at peace with myself. I had lost me in the years being a wife and mother. I now believe that if H hadn't left I may never have have found 'me' as much as I have now. I have forgiven myself for my part in the marriage break up and also my H for his affair.
I continue to watch and wait and pray that my H continues to move along his tunnel. I hope he finds the happiness and peace that has alluded him since his childhood. Ultimately I hope that he looks and sees the love for him in the family and decides to come home. That is his choice and I know I have no influence when it comes to that choice.
Thank you for your continuing insight, support and advice.
Wow, you are really amazing and I truly do believe God is putting you through what you need to to help others - you are a "teacher" of sorts to all of us - "there is nothing new under the sun". Thank you for that!
I got chills really - when I read your posts I can "feel" the spiritually in you and you have an amazing intuition that God blessed you with. Thanks so much for reaching out to all of us here that are in need. I for one am very grateful for the help! :o) JeanBean
Me: 37 Husband: 39 Husband's Mid-life Crisis onsite: 2-3 years now Children: ages 3, 7, & 14 1/2 "If I am here right now it's meant to be...now what?!" "You are never to old to grow and change" :o)
Things are continuing to change to the point our son has picked up on it, asking me about his dad. Son(23) is still at home, something happened that prevented him from closing his loan yesterday, and he's to wait another week.
Apparently, the reactions of dad toward son are changing for the better, and I think it threw son a little off-balance...it was totally unexpected for him.
Things had gotten strained between the two, what with husband "tattling" on son every chance he got, and son not wanting to talk to him any more than he had to. I'd stayed out of it; letting them BOTH know that I would NOT be the messenger or go between. If they had any trouble, work it out for themselves.
Son had pitched right in when husband broke his ankle, and managed to put his own feelings aside to take care of his dad. I don't know what I would have done without him.
Like me, son'd eventually detached from the whole situation, getting on with his own life, understanding there was NOTHING he could do either, to help his dad.
I never did ask Son to choose sides in this...husband is STILL his dad, right or wrong, and although we are close in relationship; I still stressed the importance of sometimes helping him anyway, even if he said he didn't want the help.
Son was chuckling about all the changes last night; letting me know that he and dad have started getting along MUCH better than they had been previously...and so the changes continue.
Husband stays in touch with me several times a day, and he's talking up a storm about everything and anything...threw me for a loop once again, as he is usually a very quiet person who doesn't say much at all.
I know the drill, go on with my life, allow what will happen to happen, and things will be fine.
Will watch to see if he stays on this positive path, but for now, all is well.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks, CW...it's been an odd thing to watch the two of them interact...they love each other, but to me, this is a strange kind of relationship.
It seems to be the youth pitted against age and experience.
Someone once told me that the father/son relationship can be just as stressful as the mother/daughter relationship, at least until the son gets older.....I have never had a daughter, so I can't relate to that...except for what relationship I tried to have with my mom after becoming an adult, and it never worked well for both of us.
But, what do I know, I stay out of it all on their end. LOL!
Sometimes it's heck to be the only female in the house..the males like to gang up on the lone female....I'm just kidding; but I have been the butt of a number of jokes as I'm the SHORTEST person in the house. My husband is 6'3", Son is 6'4" and little ol' me is 5'3"..plus my son likes to call me a "stick", as to him I'm a really SMALL person. And I'm reminded of that when stretching to reach something, and have son OR husband reach across me and get it down FOR me. LOL!!
Have a good one. Think I need to get some sleep now.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
HB...my brothers and father had a "strange kind of relationship" too!
"And I'm reminded of that when stretching to reach something, and have son OR husband reach across me and get it down FOR me. LOL!!"
When S14 and I were at Auto Zone today, neither one of us could reach the coolant...had to get help! I am 5'2" and S14 is around there (poor kid is one of the shortest in his class...for now)
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Pay attention to what the Lord shows you..the Lord is asking you to focus on YOU..and forgiveness is NOT for your husband; it is for YOU.
This and
Quote:
He did NOT really hurt me, he hurt HIMSELF, and it was enough that HE had to deal with the damage he did to himself and his marriage. I had NOTHING to do with that. I learned to separate the behavior from the person, and I also learned NOT to take anything personally. I learned to understand that this was HIS problem, and I wasn't going to make it mine.
I suffered NO lasting damage from this, and I'm serious when I say that. The healing that occurred within me came from having forgiven, accepted all that happened and somehow integrated it into my life. You cannot heal until you forgive and accept what's happened.
HB thank you for this insight... I may actually have something to add to this. At times when I'm deep in thought, (usually while driving, oddly enough) I have a clear voice in my head (OK, now you're all thinking I'm nuts. LOL) The voice usually makes a lot of sense. Over the past two days I took off some time for prayer and one thing that came to me suddenly is that God HAD to separate H and I because we were "stagnant." That's all that the "voice" said, but it had so much more meaning to me because as soon as I heard that one sentence, all sorts of thoughts came flooding into my mind.
(As I'm writing my list, feel free everyone to make your own list - be honest here, even if it hurts) -H and I were not growing together -I had been talking about getting closer to God, but not actually doing anything about it -Our M was not the happiest it's ever been -Our M has so much potential for sheer joy and togetherness -We both had goals we were not working on, things we wanted to become and learn but had sacrificed for the "family" -I had given up my person to become wife/mother
And this ties in perfectly with what you say above because we ALL have to come to this realization. This was not done to us and IF we take this opportunity that has been given to us then we will become truly fulfilled in all that we desire.
Again, HB, thank you so much, you have truly blessed me. This adds so much depth and dimension to what I was shown in the car as I drove down that back road. Now I truly see the beauty of this. Yes, it hurts and yes, it sukcs - but getting past that, on a spiritual level, on the infinite level of the universe - this path we've all been set on is truly a blessing in disguise. Come on, how many of you can truly, in your hearts, say that you were totally happy and totally fulfilled in your lives together. I'm not saying no one will say "Me, me, I was totally happy and blissful with NO wants or desires or needs before bomb drop." However, I would not be surprised at all to hear a poll of everyone reading this came up with not a one that was totally satisfied with their M and lives prior to bomb drop.
I feel like you've brought this revelation around full circle to me and it's so timely that you posted this just a day after I was told the above.
It amazing what comes about during the crisis. We learn that God truly has to allow these things to happen to more fully bring us to put Him first ABOVE our spouses.
I'd served Him, but wasn't growing like I was supposed to. It made room for the devil to interfere(but, then if he didn't interfere, something would be wrong).
Temptation was laid during his MLC, my husband fell to it...and it nearly destroyed me in a physical AND spiritual fashion. It almost ended our marriage, and my life at one point.
The Lord, in His mercy, interfered, making sure I didn't leave in any way, and time went on, with me getting what I had to do/learn.
I learned about my life, our marriage...so many things were so WRONG within our lives.
The husband I thought was so great, wasn't really a good person at all...he'd treated me like crap the first 14 years before the crisis, with the exception of around two years after my dad died.
Even then, he still controlled me like a puppet master pulling the strings.
When the crisis hit, and my eyes were opened to the reality of all that had occurred, I delved within, seeing my inner reality for what it was, the rose colored glasses shattering on the floor. I had to learn to find myself again, as I had lost ME within him and our relationship.
It was during that time that with the help of God, I wrote the stages of MLC, and the lessons that were to be learned, as even I, myself was learning these....and people know where to find those if they need them.
Research was part of the learning/growing, and I did quite a bit of that.
When he exited the tunnel in 2002, he was a changed man, and a much better one. Even though, in 2004, the 7 year old child showed up, many ways he'd been and bad habits he'd had pre-crisis no longer existed. The crisis had done a great deal of work on him. I didn't know him, but was getting to know him again; when the 7 year old persona showed up.
This secondary crisis wasn't anything like the actual MLC, it seemed to be an aspect; a different type of crisis. Yet, I was so far within my own transition that I didn't see much at all until a few years later, when I was coming out.
And, of course, I've detailed what has happened since then in my initial post, and things continue to change in a postive fashion.
We will be married 25 years this coming August.
Many things I had done before, during his initial MLC are not required this time, including the "purging" process, as there is nothing to purge....he did NOT hurt me, or damage me in any way.
I walked a different type of journey this time; it was a continuing utilization of the lessons I'd learned.
In my book, I did marry for life, not convenience, and that had been my attitude; although at times, I was so frustrated, yet, found the strength to continue along this different type of journey.
I had a door "jump" open yesterday, memories from the time BEFORE his MLC, during his MLC, also during my transition around 24 1/2 years worth of memories....and at first I wasn't sure what to do with them...they weren't "tormenting" me...I actually laughed at some of them....realizing once again that there was SO much I HAD forgotten.
The reality of what he had been pre-crisis hit me again, he's nothing like that post-crisis...and I saw where he and I had been, where we'd come from, and a future that's to come....and I understood just how much growing we both had accomplished.
Most importantly, I could see how much growing I HAD done....and I was simply amazed. It came to me that this was just the result of passing from one phase to another....and nothing needed to be "done" about the memories; they would fade once again into the past in a short period of time.
That's not to say they won't come back again at another time, but since I'd already emotionally healed from these, they're nothing but another bump in the road to navigate.
I'd wondered within myself if they were also the result of having been out my own transition for these past two years, and a necessary part of the settling down process within me.
This time, I have no clue.
Doesn't matter what has triggered them, I suppose, the fact is, the appearance of those memories has brought me to a deeper understanding of this whole journey.
He, I, and we have come SO far within our lives, some of it apart, but most of it together; each one of us staying committed to the other.
Our jobs were responsible for most of our separation for the past 6 years; that will change, I believe, as we work out a way to spend more time together. We are already in the process of rebuilding our marriage on a firmer foundation than it was before.
But we will figure it all out in good time.
And life goes on.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
All continues to be well at this time...not much to report, I'm working, as always, and he's doing well.
We have decided that when we both get a little money set back in savings after he gets re-established at work, we will make the necessary time to spend with each other...finding creative ways to be home at the SAME time.
Son's closing on his house has been pushed back as of now, the seller forgot one detail..setting property lines.
But it's all good, life is what it is.
On a personal note, I have NO regrets for what I've gone through and experienced...I might as well as gone through this added trial, as to go through much worse things...and we know things could be SO much worse than what they are...yet,sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. We are ALL like that, at times. That's one of the biggest reason God sends people across your path, to point out what you're not seeing. A person on the outside sees MORE than the person within said trial.
Spending time finding the positives really does wonders for your PMA, though. Being thankful for the smallest of things, for the people that are currently in your life, making changes that are temporary or permanent that will break the monotony of everyday life. Each day, try to learn something new.
Smell the flowers, drop what you're doing, pick up the phone, call and tell someone you love them...life is too hard and way TOO short to be buried in misery.
I will tell you, that it's NOT easy to be happy in spite of the circumstances that surround me at times. I CHOOSE to be upbeat and happy; I choose where I am going be as each day passes.
Above I choose my battles carefully, as not everything is worth fighting for..and some things are best let go, if they are NOT going to be important or affect me in 10 years time.
I choose to surround myself with the people I keep company with, and that includes my husband.
I continue to bear in mind that no one is perfect, and since I'm NOT perfect either, I cannot expect it out of others.
There was and is a great deal of wisdom I have learned out of just living life itself, and am encouraged that others can learn these same things I have gained within me.
This post doesn't warrant an answer, I'm just talking off the cuff today.
Loading to head home, but can't stay home, gotta keep going, I'm still bearing the burden of our household bills for now.
But, I'm all right with that, as this is what team work is all about, helping to hold your spouse up when they are down and can't do for themselves....this could be ME, and it has been me before in past times...and my husband took up where I had to leave off, because I was unable to do for myself and him.
Gotta ride for now.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
