Wow Maria, this sounds pretty much like the conversations I have with bf recently, the one where you posted that you were jealous and wished your H would talk to you like that:
Quote:
I asked him why now? He said "because you deserve it. More than any other woman I know you deserve to be loved unconditionally". I told him I always deserved that. He said yes but he couldnt. I asked him why and what has changed. He said "so many good and bad things happened in his life at that time that he wasnt able to deal with or worthy to appreciate". He said, the three years I keep reffering to as his escape/fun years, for him, when he thinks about them, are years he wasted, years he missed so much from our lives. He said for him, those years are mistakes, series of bad choices he regrets deeply.
See, its not as you fear (he loved her deeply, she is better than you, he gave up his family for her and it was worth it etc etc). Thats not the reality. The reality is, it came at a bad time in his life and he handled it badly. The reality is, it wasnt a happy time for him. He had an A for complex reasons, but it was a poor decision a massive mistake and he regrets it deeply. I hope you believe him now. Your H is talking from the heart here.
I agree with Kerry and its something I have observed with your and your H R but not ever dared say before!!.. there is a push pull dynamic in your R which could be addressed in IC.
Oversimplifying, but to illustrate from an outsiders perspective - When he was committed, you were 'independent' and strong, when he pulled away, you tried hard to please him, when he left, you were heartbroken and came here for help, when he started showing signs of wanting back and calling you.. I was amazed you started slamming the phone down on him and telling us NO, I DONT love him! When he became again distant you were convinced he was seeing Christina again, so you upped your efforts to get his attention, bought new underwear, let him move back in, etc.. when he then didnt make an effort with you, you were down and depressed desperately wanting him to ML to you, posting constantly you wished he would talk to you, tell you he loved you... when he then DID start ML and is now opening up and giving you all the things you said here you wanted (I love you, I am 1000% committed, I love you unconditionally, lets go on a trip etc)..you pull back, refuse to go on a trip and MENTION DIVORCE !!!???
Maria, thats almost funny, bless you! As RedHead says, now is the time to be grateful, thankful and sigh with relief. You got what you fought 3+ years for, your H is IN LOVE WITH YOU! Perhaps the reason that you cant is a bit more deep seated and part of a wider pattern in your R's ?? Maybe you feel the need to 'test' his love ?
Go on the trip ! You are under stress and worrying constantly. Stress makes us do 'safety behaviours' - avoid triggers and situations that make us more stressed/upset. But all you are doing is giving into your fears and maintaining that worry and stressful position in your mind. If you go and build new memories, you are cutting off the source of your stress/worry (negative associations with getting closer to H). I think you fear real intimacy with him, like you will die or lose something if he gets too close. Or maybe, you would lose control... ???
Sorry for rambling, as usual, lol !! love Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I want to remind you that I would love to be where you are at. I am in the midst of this separation and A. When I read your posts, I think there is still hope. My H has always said that he feels leaving was the worst mistake of his life and I believe him, but he still hasn't returned or stopped communicating to OW as far as I know. I understand the resentment. I understand the hurt feelings. I understand feeling scared to let him back in. He could hurt you again, and if you truly let him in and love him again, what if this is all pretend again? What if he leaves again? Where will that leave you? But this time you have the passwords so you can check on him, he is telling you what you have said on here you want to hear, he is telling you he won't give up, he is reassuring you the best that he can. He is going to your friends to find ways to help.
I understand not wanting to have this happen again (I know I am young, but this has been an ongoing problem our whole M). I understand wanting to just crawl up in your shell and stop trying, but you don't have to try anymore or at least for alittle bit. He sounds like he is finally strong enough to carry his weight. Let him. Lean on him. Cry in his arms. Yes he may feel bad, but let him hold you and show you he is there for you. Let him be there.
I would hate for you to regret a decision made right now. I understand being low and you have a lot of emotions to work through, all normal and healthy, but let him be a part of helping you instead of pushing him away.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
My observations - he seems regretful of his actions and that's very good. He didn't just come back because he fell out with OW. Something is sustaining him now thu' all your emotional turmoil ... build on what you have ... seems like you want to hurt him to get even ... that's been the pattern all along ... its the human tendency. Let him lead ... Go on the trip ... see where he leads you ... you are not in control and never were ... also get the best professional help available as others too have suggested ... capitalize on where you are.
I agree to submit the papers for the kids and see from there on how things will be next week. He came home last night and hugged me and kissed me and squeezed me tight. After doig the paperowrk this morning I stayed home. He had the half day off and we did a few things with the kids including checking out a new car.
I function. But I am definitely going thru a crisis and probably depression. I will look into some help in the sense of pills or something. It's feels stupid to have to go there now while I avoided it all these years.
My BGF called me this morning and said H called again last night. She told him she cant be doing this because of our little misunderstanding and I felt bad because with my reaction I deprived him from the one person that he felt he could talk to and get help from.But on the other hand, she felt uncomfortable.
She told me H has been telling her that "that" part of his life is over and in the backof his mind. He is looking at the future and wants to mak eit a good one with me. He told her he feels stupid and "small" and he wishes there wa some light in the tunnel, I feel everything so dark he get hopeless...
He called her last night to tell her I am going even deeper in the "dark" and I wont listen to him. That he doenst know how to approach me. She told him a few things like "what did you expect, this was going to be hard, you locked away these 3 years but it is so much easier for you than for her etc etc etc".
He asked if there is something to count on, to build on. She said, the love she used to have for you. Build on that. He was surprised I wont build on the "kids". That I dont count them in as a motive to help me come through. It is true I am doing all I can to keep the kids out of this. Because this is about me and him.
Ali, your "story" is not quite accurate. I was always the one that loved more in this R. Probably still am. So no, I was always committed to him 100% and then...this.
I do have issues with coming closer to him now. The more I do, the more I get...worried. I am opening up to a man that was capable of hurting me the way nobody has. That alone, feels...scary.
I am staying quiet. Not making a decision "now" but trying to get myself together. K
It is tough to trust your heart to the same man again. But keep in mind, there is no guarantee that a new man would not do the same thing. So it comes down to it is tough to trust your heart to anyone again. If you do not find a way to forgive, you are left with not being able to fully love again. Love is like jumping out of the plane without a parachute! It is choosing to love, choosing to commit, choosing to trust, and choosing to forgive all at once. You cannot limp forward without trust and forgiveness. You see that now. The one safeguard is communication. These heart to heart conversations that you are having with him are your protection. Only you can judge if he is being truthful with you. But if he is being truthful, then I think you should trust again. People can change. When they really want to change, they do. Who said "You cannot be a realist if you do not believe in miracles."?
I'm glad you got upset about your husband communicating with your best friend. In theory it sounds okay.. someone who knows you so well trying to coach and advise your spouse on how to reach you. But.. it puts her in the middle.. in the middle of you and your spouse working out issues directly. And although both you and your spouse benefit from snippets, it's keeping you and your husband from truly growing.
It's Maria time.
Fix Maria first. If you broke your arm would you set it yourself? Uhh.. I think I'd go to a doctor and have it tended so it heals perfectly. After all, they're the professionals.
It's the same with emotional issues. Most folks can get through things after a fashion. But using a professional (individual counselor) gives you the tools to heal swifter with better results in the short and long term.
Once there was a woman with an overflowing basket of bread which she offered to a circle of friends. Each time it went around, she refused her share and kept giving to everyone. As time went on, others were filled as the woman became gaunt. Now she was the one her friends were concerned about, but this woman refused even a single crumb. Imagine her surprise one day to find herself too weak to hold the basket yet too proud to accept what she always offered. Caring, giving, love.
My dear loving friend. Take care of you. You're so blessedly worth it.
