sounds like your getting antsy about contacting her. I don't think the Annver. card is a good idea.
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Once we get it through our thick skulls that we need to make changes we do it in spades. We become the person who would be what our Ws are wanting to see. Ahh, just rambling I guess.
Ahh yes, and it's up to the WAW to notice these changes and open up again.
MY W said she noticed the changes but still wants a D. She hasn't forgave me for neglecting her and said I forgive to easy and I'm over optimistic.
What horrible qualities to have.
I read here that it usually take the LBS dating someone or legal actions that bring back the WAW. That's why I join the dating website. However, W knows I'm on there, it didn't bring her back. But I'm enjoying new friends and adventures so it's helping me move on. I am journeying to the other side. I see how getting attention from others can really spark an affair.
mza8 keep doing what you feel is best for you. I have no regrets on my trying to save my M. You shouldn't either. you have come a long way fro m where you were a yeasr ago so be proud. Things have a funny way of working out.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plan.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
W emailed me this morning with a longer email than her past few emails. She emailed today about the house. She also told me she stopped by the house over the weekend and picked up the electric bill and will mail the payment this week.
She spent the rest of the email talking about the house. She said she noticed the agent didn’t have her name on the sign and didn’t have one of those brochure boxes on the sign. I have been surprised that the agent didn’t do these things but I wasn’t going to say anything as this is the “great” agent my W wanted. Anyway, she said she was thinking about contacting the agent and asking her to do these two things and W asked me what I thought. W then said she hasn’t heard much about any house showings and asked me if I heard or knew how it’s going. She said the agent mentioned that the feedback has been that the backyard is small and about the price. W said that she felt if someone was truly interested she feels like they would make an offer. She answered her own question there…no one has been truly interested yet.
W then tells me she was thinking we could do some landscaping changes to the backyard to make it appear larger. “We”? I don’t think so, more like me. She asked me what I thought about removing a tree in our backyard to make the yard look bigger. She asked me if I would want to take this tree to my parent’s yard. Umm, this tree is 20 ft. tall and 8 years old. It would be near impossible to remove it and re-plant it. What is she thinking? By the way this tree is my favorite in our yard. I think that’s why she asked if I would want to move it instead of just cutting it down. W ended the email by saying she wasn’t sure what I was thinking and wanted to touch base. In her last sentence of the email she said that she hopes I am having a good week. Wow, that was a surprise.
Ok, lots of thoughts and some questions here. I mentioned that I didn’t respond to her last email in which she asked me about the real estate market. That email was last Thursday. Now she initiated contact again. Just as a reminder I have not initiated any contact with my W (other than the birthday flowers) in close to two months. She has been emailing me. So here I am five days since her last email and she emailed me again. Could my NC finally be starting to work? Just a little maybe?
I’ve notice a few similarities in her emails. She asks for my opinion, she contacts me for things which she could take care of on her own and she thought of me (for example, she told me about our gym membership which she didn’t have to do and today she said she hopes I’m having a good week). None of these things did my W need to contact me about. So why is she? She could have taken care of the electric bill, she didn’t need to tell me about the gym membership, she could have taken care of the agent, she didn’t need to ask my opinion on anything and she certainly didn’t need to tell me she hopes I’m having a good week.
So what now? Do I respond to her email today? What do I say? I want to get this right. Here’s what I was thinking of saying.
W, I think that’s a good idea to contact the agent about adding her name to the sign and adding the brochure box. Thank you for doing this and for taking care of the electric bill. I appreciate it. (my IC tells me it’s important to thank W to let her know I appreciate her, W has thanked me for some things too)
In my opinion I don’t think removing the tree will make the yard appear too much larger. Like the other homes in our neighborhood we have a small yard and there’s not much we can do about it. The house has only been for sale for a month and it will take time to sell it in this market. We haven’t had anyone who has been interested enough to make an offer yet. It’s early and the house will sell eventually. Overall the market is still slow but showing signs of improvement. (this sentence answers her question from her previous email about market conditions). Like the agent said, there isn’t much going on with the house to report. I’ll keep you updated when we have any activity on the house. (not sure if I want to include this sentence or not, for several reasons)
How do you feel about the progress with the house? What are your feelings about the agent? Do you think there’s anything else we could do? When you came over this weekend, did you think there’s anything else that needs to be done on the house? I think things are normal considering the market conditions and the house has only been on the market for a month. It might take some time before we see any offers.
I hope you are having a good week too. (really not sure about this sentence either, don’t want to sound needy but thinking I should acknowledge her sentiment)
mza8
What does everyone think? If I do respond should I respond today or wait a day or two?
Thanks for any advice.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Sounds like she wants something from you so she is being nice.
Is that tree a deal breaker fro the sale of the house? doubtfully.
Be careful not to let your NC go to waste if you think it's working.
If she feels she's losing you the NC may be having an affect on her.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
She's really anxious about the house selling. That may be holding her back from getting her own place, but you would know better than I if that were true.
If it were me, I'd respond, but I'd be as brief as possible. You can basically sum up all your questions by asking the question "how do you feel about it?" That way, instead of answering a specific question, her answer may be broad enough to give you some more insight into why she's asking.
A quick update from me. Pretty confident that I am dealing with MLC in my sitch vs. WAW. The two can be similar, but I think there are a couple of differences that I am experiencing. The WAW seems to not want to contact the LBH. My W has no problem contacting me, or me contacting her. The other difference it seems is with big emotional swings. The WAW seems to be consistent in their emotion toward the H, but in MLC the emotional balance is way off kilter. Over the course of a week, it's not uncommon for both depression and anger (which from what I understand are related, but I'm no expert). Most of what I read also says that in MLC, the anger gets taken out pretty exclusively on the spouse.
Gr8, I'm not sure if NC is working or not? She is contacting me more. Don't know if that means anything?
GM, I don't think the house is holding her back from getting her own place. The reason I think this is because I worked out an agreement with our bank that we don't need to make monthly mortgage payments while we are selling the house. So right now it's not like she needs the money from the house mortgage to pay for an apartment. She definitely has the money to get her own apartment at any time.
Yes, I suppose I could ask her the more general question. I'm not sure if I should even reply to this email but I feel that I should. I need to think about this a bit more. If I do respond I was thinking about not totally dismissing her idea to remove the tree. I was thinking about telling her that let's wait a bit longer and see what happens. If we get a lot more commments about the backyard then we can consider removing the tree. I was also thinking about asking her some of her other ideas for the landscaping. This way I have not dismissed her idea and asked her for her other ideas for the yard. I'm thinking this might make her feel like I do care about her ideas...which I do.
Sandi, if you have some time I would really like to hear what you think about my last couple of posts.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
It is fine to answer her. I would answer her with the following statements. I would leave out the thanking her for paying the electric bill and I would leave out the part about telling her you would keep her updated. The rest is fine to email her. Good idea on telling her not to get in a rush about the back yard. Too early to panic on the yard and the tree. For all you know, someone may like the yard small and think it is fine. It also shows you are being decisive and thinking for yourself.
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W, I think that’s a good idea to contact the agent about adding her name to the sign and adding the brochure box.
In my opinion I don’t think removing the tree will make the yard appear too much larger. Like the other homes in our neighborhood we have a small yard and there’s not much we can do about it. The house has only been for sale for a month and it will take time to sell it in this market. We haven’t had anyone who has been interested enough to make an offer yet. It’s early and the house will sell eventually. Overall the market is still slow but showing signs of improvement. Like the agent said, there isn’t much going on with the house to report.
Thanks Gucci. I'm glad to hear that you also think it's ok to email her. I wasn't sure if you were going to tell me to remain NC or not. I will continue to remain NC after responding to her email. I will respond to her email and keep it simple. I agree about taking out the parts about thanking her for the electric bill and keeping her updated about the house.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I understand about your deal with the bank. In my opinion, though, it can still matter. Women look at financial security in a longer time perspective than men as a generalization. So, she probably will not REALLY feel security until the house is sold.
I'm guessing the deal with the bank would end at some point if a sale doesn't happen. It's relief to you, but I'll bet it's on her mind fairly often.
Good point out robx. I agree gucci on the emailing. Just answer her questions or concerns. Dont ask how she's doing or about what's she doing.
Does you're W ask you how you are doing or how you are feeling??
If not it would tell me she is all business about the house.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
