Hi upside, I was just reading through your tread, I'm so happy for you, looks like your H is truly trying to reconnect
My H has announced about 3 weeks ago that his affair is over and that he wants to R. We are not nearly at the point that you are at yet. H is currently going through OW's withdrawal and is very depressed and withdrawn.
I have a question for you, if I may. When your H first asked to come back, did he become more affectionate towards you? Hugs & kisses when he comes over etc. Mine used to greet me with XO when he came even while he was having the affair and since he said that he wants to R he stopped...he is pleasant and friendly, but absolutely no physical contact. I'm not sure what to make of that? I was wondering what was your experience?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Like you say, it's been one week..don't let the impatience that can come carry you away.
HB - Thanks for posting this. My H visit was a week ago also. He has visited once sice then but seems to have taken a step backwards since then. I am seeing the children at the moment (which can be quite amusing). It is so hard not to become discouraged by their small steps. We do need to remember that they are traveling in the right direction.
Upside how is everything going? Just wondering how often your h spends the night per month? How do you handle the back and forth, meaning your feelings and emotions that he can only commit to some days per month and not all? Do you talk with him daily and if so do you initiate the conversations or does he?
Just wondering! I will be in CA end of June. Maybe we can meet up again.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
This is hard for me to write...it is even hard for me to understand. I have given up after over 3 years. I thought we were on the road home but it was an illusion. I expected too much. I put too much pressure on my H or so he says. He says pressure feels like an attack to him . I can't do it anymore. I deserve better...I deserve more. He has been sitting on the fence for far too long and it was time for him to choose a direction and it wasn't toward me.
It all started last week when he was supposed to come over but ended up partying with "friends" and not calling. I didn't make a big deal over it... but it got me thinking this man is 55 years old, when is he going to grow up? I met my H for dinner the next night...I wasn't even mad about what he did...it just made me realize that I deserve better. I basically said to my H that if he wasn't willing to commit to the moving home (no time frame), I was done. He couldn't do it. He said he does love me and he wants to move back but he couldn't tell me that he is going to move back. In my mind nothing got definatively resovled after the conversation. The next day I sent my H a text asking where we left things. My H said he thought I "kicked him to the curb"...I told him my feeling that I thought nothing got resolved. He told me he drove home the night before "feeling awful and why are things so hard---or is it just me being stubborn?" I replied "you are being stubborn...you make things more difficult than they need to be." He said "I know that---sometimes I am such a jerk and idiot---I react badly to pressure---too defensive." I asked him if he realizes that then why can't he change his behavior. He said he reacts and returns to his old ways. He said he feels like he is being attacked when I put pressure on him. I tried to make him understand that I wasn't attacking him and it seemed like he was getting it until the next day when I texted him and asked if we could continue the conversation. He replied "geez---give it a rest for awhile". Things have gone downhill since. I am done. Everything I have been standing for all these years means nothing to him. He appreciates nothing. His precious independence and solitude mean more to him. I've asked him for a divorce.
He would have to change far too much for me to take him back now. The damage he has done now is just about irrepairable. I see now that he will never let himself appreciate anything I have done for him. In time I will be happier alone than with someone who takes so much and gives so little in return. This was not the man I married. This is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
So, I am not a success at saving my marriage however, I am a still a work in progress at saving myself. I could have sworn I have been one of the one's to pull this out because I knew my H needed me more than I needed him. I talked to him this evening and told him goodbye. He said goodbye for now. I corrected him and told him it was goodbye.
I am sorry things have taken a turn this way. You have been amazing throughout all of this.
I don't know what keeps them stuck. I can relate with you in the fact that my ex realizes and admits her part in all of this as well, but yet does nothing to change. It's like something is still not clicking. Perhaps they're still paralyzed with fear or they haven't quite made the connection or suffered enough loss to give them that desire to change. Who knows?
The important thing to focus on now, is you. Maybe it's time to not have any contact with him if at all possible. It seems as though that would be good for you both right now.
Chart your course, remain strong, and take care of your best interests.
Originally Posted By: Upside
I see now that he will never let himself appreciate anything I have done for him.
It might be wise to avoid "never". I have a feeling he may, when he looks around and sees you're nowhere to be found.
Quote:
This was not the man I married. This is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
You're correct. I feel exactly the same way about my ex.
Dealing with ourselves and making positive, lasting change is extremely difficult. It's a constant battle that doesn't end. It's all on him as to how he chooses to live his life and face his battles.
Keep your head held high and continue your fight to become and remain better. Be proud of who you are and how you've handled yourself.
. I can't do it anymore. I deserve better...I deserve more. He has been sitting on the fence for far too long and it was time for him to choose a direction and it wasn't toward me.