WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Sorry I didn't get back here yesterday... Busy day all around..

Now for the internal stuff...

I had pretty much resolved myself to having to move because of H's refusal to sign anything at all... I understood he was trying to force me to take action so he wouldn't have to, and I was not going to be forced into anything, whether it be signing a custody doc I didn't agree with or filing with the court to try and compel him to sign the mortgage docs...

I had been praying all along for a solution to come about that would enable me to not have to move for my kids' and my mom's sake... But I was pretty confident that I could handle it if I had to. I had received the verbal ok for a mortgage amount for a new home should we have to move. And though coming up with 5% down in a short time would be difficult, I knew I'd find a way if I had to.. I knew with a deep certainty that I would be fine regardless of how the house issue went (I was still stressed, but not due to lack of confidence in myself).

Then the option opened up to not have to move. And it was as clear as day to me that this was a test, as it were, of my resolve with standing or not...

If I took the conflict-driven route to move my family, I knew that I would be resentful at some point of having to do so... Resentful at H or myself, I'm not sure... But I knew instinctively it would result in pulling me farther away from H as his guilt at pushing me to the point of moving would just add to what he already felt. And it would just add to my feelings of anger as I would need that anger to be able to get the business of moving done and over with. Anger, I've found, can be insidious in the way that once you cling to it to drive you, you don't even realize that it still simmers below the surface once the need for it has passed. And I don't want any more unhealthy anger in my life. I've spent way too much of my life fighting it internally and don't want to continue to do so.

Renewing the mortgage instead would pretty much equate to doing nothing to change the sitch and I would be no better or worse off than when the whole house issue came up. It also bought me time to be able to build my credit and employment history so that should I decide to walk away and get another house at a later date, I could qualify for more than I could now. I began to feel strongly that the decision to walk away was all up to me and I can make it at any time.

As I said, it was clear to me that it was a fork in the road for me, to firmly take a stand or not. I was unbelievably calm about it and instinctively my answer was a resounding "stand!".

Within a day of deciding that 100%, I had a huge feeling of well being and serenity come over me. This was in addition to the expected relief. I have never felt that degree of rightness before in my life (except for the day I married H). I felt absolutely gut bottom certain that H and I weren't over yet. That one day at some point we would reconnect. It was a different certainty in that it was not the shallow hopefulness I felt before. Just a complete feeling of clarity. I suddenly knew how to feel the compassion I had been struggling with, and it kept coming over me in waves of depth. I had a clear picture in my mind of how future interactions with him should be on my end and of little ways to demonstrate the compassion without pursuing. Of doing things simply because I chose to be nice and compassionate as opposed to trying to manipulate him in coming back. I felt all the strength and patience in the world in that day or so (I still feel it, but like the anger, it's simmering below the surface replacing the anger). That it was my choice and not for any other reason, and that it was the right one for me.

So I did something different. I waited until late afternoon Friday (so that H couldn't stop the mortgage renewal process in his MLC mindset) and sent him an email.

As opposed to being businesslike and cold, I acted as if he and I were merely separated (without an OW) and assumed the best of him instead of the worse. I was cheerful, happy, and basically told him that I had good news about the house issue. That as our children's father I knew he was as relieved as I was that they wouldn't have to go through a traumatic move after all. I worded it as if I were talking to a friend, not the foe he keeps trying to make me out to be.

Interesting thing is, I received absolutely no response to the email. Usually, I'd get a one word reply or obscenities from H (apparently he still blames me for breathing LOL). This time. Nothing.

I also chose to buy a car seat for his car for D3, no expectations or strings attached. This was one of those things that whenever I was angry with him, I'd point out that he needed to get one soon. He really can't afford one according to him, but I'd take the anger route and would needle him about it when I gave in to the anger.

So when he came to pick up the kids Saturday to take them out (very briefly less than an hour and a half! grr), it was waiting for him. D3 helped by running up to him and telling him that I bought it for his car and that he could keep it in there just for her. So I didn't have to say a word. He just gave me a quick confused look and said "cool". I just smiled calmly.

Sunday he came again to take them out for an hour (50 minutes this time) after he finished work. I am in the process of clearing out the garage and getting rid of junk. He didn't look too happy seeing me doing that.(The garage was previously "his" domain.) I casually asked if he knew when he'd be taking his massive empty fish tank out of the garage. He was pretty grumpy and told me to sell it that he didn't give a sh!t anymore. (Previously he accused me of trying to sell off the marital assets when I'd offered to sell it and give him the money before... LOL)

Monday I sent him a brief but cheerful email thanking him for taking the kids out as they really enjoyed themselves and were glad to see him. (Just as I would a friend who did the same.) No response again. (Didn't really expect one.)

I think my not contacting him is no longer useful for me in that he may have been using it to show himself and others that I'm angry and bitter. One of the biggest things in our M was that I wasn't cheerful and complained a lot and didn't thank or compliment him enough. So I'm not going to give him any reason to believe I'm like that any longer. I will choose what to say and send him, but it will be cheerful and brief and on my terms.

I realized that in his case, he's been using the lack of visitation with his kids to desensitize himself from them. The more he sees them, the more he misses them. If he sticks to the bare minimum, then he doesn't have to question his choices about moving to the US. I'm positive he told SIL and OW that I was refusing to let him see them more often, and that he really wanted to, blah blah. Well, I put a stop to that by including SIL in the email asking him if he wanted to see the kids this past weekend even though he was working. Yes I cornered him into taking them out, I know. And I won't do it often, just did it because it had been almost 3 weeks since he saw them last and the kids were upset and acting out. And so now SIL knows that he's been lying to her as well about my not letting him take them outside of the bare minimum.

I have my son's grade 8 grad pics in. I had sent a copy of the order form to H along with their clothes one time, but I'm pretty sure he didn't buy himself any. So I intend to just include one in an envelope and hand it to him when he picks up the kids next. My choice to be nice and include him, no expectations or anything.

I hadn't been including the info about what has been going on with the kids because I wanted him to feel the lack of them in their lives. Now I think I need to be more forthcoming so he gets that he is missing out on a lot. Nothing about me, just about them and what they are doing. Not expecting anything from doing it, just want to do it because that is who I choose to be. Someone caring, compassionate, and not angry, controlling or complaining.

I'm continuing to do what I want to do with the house re: landscaping, garage reno, bathroom reno, etc. without considering whether he would like it or not. He may not be returning to it at any point and time. My choice in the future as to whether or not he will if he asks to.

I am feeling very detached from H right now, but have that undercurrent of compassion and loving feelings that I want to keep there for now.

I know exactly what I want to fix within myself for myself.

Weight is a big one for me. Not because H ever complained, he didn't. But because there are things I want to do that I can't because of my current weight and health. Not acceptable for me so I will work on it.

Being comfortable hosting things in my home is another. I used to feel like people would judge the way my house looked, dustbunnies under the couch, etc. A product of how I was raised (everything had to be perfect in my house when I was growing up). Now I want to be comfortable so that my guests feel comfortable too. And I need to invite people over more so I can reach that point.

I've got a long list to tackle within myself and all the time in the world to do it...

My journey now.. and it feels great!