What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[Piano]

My thoughts exactly about the kids.
When I was in NC with WH, he only talked about his job search, paragraph after paragraph, signing off "I hope you and the baby are OK". Note: no question mark. He wasn't asking, just stating. So I felt no need to reply.
(gawd, I can't help but feel sometimes that our WHs are very alike...)
Okay, so why the feeling of urgency? Are you getting anxious because you see the birth as some sort of 'deadline'?
Perhaps if your main concern is being open about what you intend to call her, you could just talk about that. Are you going to be open to any suggestions he may have, though? Any chance he will want her to carry his name?

[gatsby11]

Hey-a! Morning chat, how nice.

Yes, our WHs are pretty darned alike.

His exact email (if I can remember right) was:

That is a good book. I'm glad she likes it. I'm looking into a good magazine for you. I also would like to reroute the Vanity Fairs to you or get your own subscription. I hope your students are doing well. I think about [school name] often.

So it is stating, like you said.

I feel some urgency, not because of a deadline at all. But because-- and you felt this before, I think-- but I guess I want to protect him from what he's doing! Oh, that's awful. But I feel like he'll regret in the future, but if he was slightly more involved (like in the name), he wouldn't be as regretful. And he follows me so gddm much, I wonder if he's waiting for my lead to sort of "invite" him to participate.

So maybe that means I think I'll feel regret if I don't broach the subject and help him out.

It could totally backfire, of course. He could write back "whatever name you choose is fine" and not mention anything about seeing her.

So yes, I was thinking about just sending a name email. I would present the name to him and ask for his input in spelling variations. I don't know if he'll be upset that she's taking my maiden name. He may have heard through his family, but he may not have. I don't even want to ask what he thinks, for fear of him saying "I think that's wise, since we'll be divorced soon" or something like that. So I'd just say it so that I know he knows before the birth. I just feel like I need to tell him the name!

So. I guess I'm answering my own question. Maybe starting with just a 'name' email in about 1-2 weeks.

[Piano]

Hiya again! Bed time here :-)
Go with your gut on this one, G. A 'name' email is the right place to start. You won't regret it. And it will probably open up more positive communication - for eg. about how/when he meets her.
Given all that, I would do it any time soon. Time flies in the last month of pregnancy and your WH might need a bit of processing time?

Also I don't think you are likely to get the "I think that is wise, since we'll be divorced soon' line... can't say why, but just don't feel it from here... Hey! but what if he suggests his name be included - are you open to the idea?

[gatsby11]

Hey,

I think I will send one. Later. In a week or so. I think you're right about processing time!

If he suggests, well. . . it would have to be something we'd need to talk about actually. I'd ask him if he wanted to talk on the phone so I could 'read' him better. I'd then just ask why he wanted her to have his name. And then I might say "you could join us and share my last name, ha ha!" It was truly something we talked about a lot during our marriage, going to my name. We just didn't because we were lazy. I would definitely make the convo as light as possible because he could be sensitive about it, if he brought it up! Geez, I hope he doesn't. But I do want to be able to navigate these waters before he just hears what her name is.

[Piano]

I like your reasoning and your plan. All you can do it put the subject out there, and reflect on what comes back. If it's by phone, you might just want to reply 'thanks, I'll think about all of this'.
(hugs)

[newmama]

Hi Gatsby! Just catching up. I like your plan about the email regarding her name.

but I guess I want to protect him from what he's doing! Oh, that's awful. But I feel like he'll regret in the future, but if he was slightly more involved (like in the name), he wouldn't be as regretful. And he follows me so gddm much, I wonder if he's waiting for my lead to sort of "invite" him to participate.

Look- I totally get the part about wanting to protect your H from what he's doing. Do you think it stems from you "knowing" this is uncharacteristic of him, that it is a phase, that it is not the real H that you know?

About your comment regarding looking for signs- sheesh I have never done it until this year- 2010. So what do you consider signs? Is it something like a feeling you get or you see a bird or turn on the radio and a certain song is playing???

[Piano]

On that topic of protecting WH from what he's doing. I was speaking to my therapist about exactly this today. About how I am always jumping back in the ring trying to save him from himself. She said while this behaviour is understandable because you love him and have been with him so long, you cannot save people who are adamant about their choices/addiction/whatever. It's like being an overprotective parent. You put up your rules and boundaries, and then you let them make mistakes. So they grow up & own their changes.

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

I know. I struggle with it, but I know this is true. I want to "help" him do the right thing because I KNOW that he will regret 2010 at some point in his life.

But, yeah, he has to make his own mistakes. I'm still going to bring up the name just because I feel that I need to. I'll work on that this weekend.

My signs, NM! Well, I actually believe I can't disclose too much or that makes it not true. Really. I am just straight up 100% superstitious and I have a few different signs that I look for.

Truth is, I've done this since high school. Before many major decisions, I've looked for signs. It doesn't change my actions too much. It just makes me feel better about what I end up doing. I guess I like the idea of "Someone" telling me what to do.

[gatsby11]

So today when I was driving to work I saw WH in his car going to work. (Living near each other facilitates frequent sightings!) The funny thing was that I was JUST thinking I wished he would see me this morning because I looked killer. (Good hair day, yeah!)

I got in to work and he had another logistics email waiting for me from last night. I wrote back the answer and then said that I thought I had seen him this morning.

He wrote back and said that he saw my car go by, wondered if it was me, and he HOPED THE CAR IS DOING WELL. He also talked about going to SIL's H's graduation tonight.

He hopes my students are doing well, and now he hopes the car is doing well? That's great. It makes me laugh because it's so absurd. I can only read into it that he's hoping I'M doing well, but it's just coming across awkwardly.

I tried the next step to prod him into talking to me about baby stuff. . . I called his other sister. SIL is in town and helping with the birth. Other sister lives far away. He talks to other sister more, but she and I talk pretty infrequently. (Not because of friction, but just because I'm not much of phone person and neither is she.) She and I couldn't talk last night, but I'm going to catch her this evening. The only way that it would prod him into talking to me is that when she and he speak this weekend, she can mention birthing stuff and that may spur him to write me.

Phew. Sort of hard working getting someone to approach you about something.

But if all else fails, I'll bring it up.

I'm 37 weeks! Delivery can happen healthfully after this day at any time! She keeps sticking her foot out on the right side of my stomach, so cute.

[Piano]

He wrote back and said that he saw my car go by, wondered if it was me, and he HOPED THE CAR IS DOING WELL.=

Hahaha! This is the FUNNIEST thing to come from your WH yet! I think he even tops my WH! Oh, bless...! I am still snorting and gafawwing, and a good minute or 3 has gone by. I need to compose myself..sorry G! A good laugh helps...!!