Still here! This is WH's reply: (wife) I will not come to the hospital if you don't want me to. I will however assert again what I strongly believe is important for our child's sake as well as for me: I'd like to be able to meet our child straight after the birth. I also want our child to share both our family names. I will call your parents to arrange the pick up of my belongings. (husband)
Wow. . . I think it's really good that he has some interest in the baby. He wants to meet her, and he wants input in her name. (Those are the two things I want in my sitch!)
Very clipped, very cold. But that's how you guys left each other last. What do you think about it?
Are you planning on responding? If so, it shouldn't be more than one line!
I also wanted to say that I "know" your moods because they're like mine! I think it's a natural progression since we can't always see immediate results from our actions.
If anyone can suggest some wording to help with my reply to the effect of:
- we agree on the name so don't worry there - it may be tricky for you to meet the baby straight after birth given that things between us have deteriorated, but that i intend to invite him to meet as soon as mother and baby are ready
and this is not essential & I want to avoid sermonising, but if I can, I would like to ask if he beleive it's important 'for the child's sake' to have some parenting plan or other on offer from him?
I would respond as straightforward as he wrote to you. Keep it simple cold, and dont committ to anything. You have every right to say that you will make the final decisions when need be. This way you dont have to committ to any names or seeing him when you are not ready. Let him wait and wonder...
Option 1: Don't respond at all. Have someone else call him after the birth to come in and see the baby and he sees her (the baby) without you. Total NC for a while.
Option 2: Respond in the same tone he wrote you. Also just as short. This keeps some consistency from the last time you saw him.
Option 3: Respond more positively. Could be considered the high road, but wrecks consistency. (Consistency from the last occurrence may NOT be what you're going for.)
My only advice would be whatever one you choose, stick with that for a good while. Know what I mean?
I am bad at advice too, as I am messed up myself, so I think that you should go with what feels ok to you. Personally I would go with the high road, gatsby's option 3. (I guess I'd agree that for the baby's sake, not for his sake, the father should be encouraged to have even a small presence in her life). But maybe high road phrased in a cold, distant way.
Hi Piano! OK I am just quoting the emails between you and your H just to refresh my memory:
Quote:
I sent him an email saying I am done, I withdraw all my emotions and feelings, to collect all his belongings by Friday, to stay away from the hospital, that he would get a call when he can see the baby, and that we can leave all the financial stuff to lawyers. I also said I hoped he found good help and that things worked out for him.
Quote:
This is WH's reply: (wife) I will not come to the hospital if you don't want me to. I will however assert again what I strongly believe is important for our child's sake as well as for me: I'd like to be able to meet our child straight after the birth. I also want our child to share both our family names. I will call your parents to arrange the pick up of my belongings. (husband)
by the way-interesting that he didn't reply to your comment about leaving the financial stuff to the lawyers
Quote:
If anyone can suggest some wording to help with my reply to the effect of:
- we agree on the name so don't worry there - it may be tricky for you to meet the baby straight after birth given that things between us have deteriorated, but that i intend to invite him to meet as soon as mother and baby are ready
and this is not essential & I want to avoid sermonising, but if I can, I would like to ask if he beleive it's important 'for the child's sake' to have some parenting plan or other on offer from him?
Anybody?
Essentially I think you stick to not being friendly, not being angry- just matter of fact, like WH's tone (so I agree with BD!) The reason is that if you are happy one day, angry the next, telling him you are done, then reaching out-- yikes! He won't take anything you say or do seriously! Although you ARE pregnant so of course your emotions are all over the place! lol!
So (change to your words) something like this??? Yes, I agree that the baby should share both family names. I will invite you to meet the baby as soon as she and I are ready. Please let me know what your idea of the parenting plan looks like.
Like Gatsby said, whatever method you want to use, I agree that you should do your best to be consistent! As Fourleaf says, an invitation to have him be a part of your child's life is important also so he can't say later "I WANTED to be in D's life but her mother refused to let me!"
Last edited by newmama; 05/20/1003:54 AM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
oh yeah- and I never got post partum depression! I was thinking that maybe I got it delayed-like within the last month-can you get it 10 months post birth?
I have read that if you breastfeed, it can reduce your odds of getting postpartum...something about the bonding hormones being released while nursing. ???sound familiar??
I think maybe because I forced myself to have PMA, took a showerdaily, fixed my hair and makeup, took S to baby classes and GALed 1 night per week it helped and that is why I didn't get it. I WAS EXPECTING to get it!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
oh yeah- and I never got post partum depression! I was thinking that maybe I got it delayed-like within the last month-can you get it 10 months post birth?
I have read that if you breastfeed, it can reduce your odds of getting postpartum...something about the bonding hormones being released while nursing. ???sound familiar??
I think maybe because I forced myself to have PMA, took a showerdaily, fixed my hair and makeup, took S to baby classes and GALed 1 night per week it helped and that is why I didn't get it. I WAS EXPECTING to get it!
NM You did a great job on that! Some people don't get it, and don't have MLC or bad menopause. Maybe you are just lucky or you just took care of yourself. Thanks I knew you would have some good advice on that!
