If it has anything to do with Psychology I'm your source!!!
I take it that this question was for Rachael, (I was about to ask her that too) but I'll good ahead and answer it as well.
It gives me a chance to get up on my soap box.
My H is interested in race bikes, nature, cuisine, travel and POLITICS.
My interests: nature, cuisine, travel, literature, gardening, psycology, and POLITICS.
I think that when the focus is limited in a straight, enclosed line between two people, the line begins to burn out. We all need a common focus outside of ourselves (triangular) in which to meet.
I think that it's good for us as individuals, as couples and as world community members to have a mutual and meaningful involvement in the world outside our own personal circle.
HA! Psychology would be his LAST choice! Too close to emotional stuff. Thanks for the tips about conversation. Listening and asking quetions is good especially the part about the nod, smile and maybe a wink thrown in for good measure. Starting the conversation off is the tough. He says he CAN'T talk to me. I'm not sure what that means, but he stays away from ANYTHING personal-except kids. I kwow he could talk to the OW about anything. What did they talk about besides his faltering marriage? Everything is so new in an A. I explained that to my H, but we still need to be able to talk and we don't. That is a real biggie with him. It's hard to keep finding little things to bring up to talk about becasue if I didn't it would be silent mostly and he really hates that, and uses it to say he can't talk to me again. See the cycle here. It's just not that easy. I need to talk about interesting things that are not threatening to him which narrows it down quit a bit. Like I said, we both have no problem talking to other people. I know he obviously does not feel safe talking to me. I guess listening more will help that too, no? Rachael
HA! Psychology would be his LAST choice! Too close to emotional stuff. Thanks for the tips about conversation. Listening and asking quetions is good especially the part about the nod, smile and maybe a wink thrown in for good measure. Starting the conversation off is the tough. He says he CAN'T talk to me. I'm not sure what that means, but he stays away from ANYTHING personal-except kids. I kwow he could talk to the OW about anything. What did they talk about besides his faltering marriage? Everything is so new in an A. I explained that to my H, but we still need to be able to talk and we don't. That is a real biggie with him. It's hard to keep finding little things to bring up to talk about becasue if I didn't it would be silent mostly and he really hates that, and uses it to say he can't talk to me again. See the cycle here. It's just not that easy. I need to talk about interesting things that are not threatening to him which narrows it down quit a bit. Like I said, we both have no problem talking to other people. I know he obviously does not feel safe talking to me. I guess listening more will help that too, no? Rachael
Quote: And I must agree with your and Pam's advice to Rachael (Hi R!) regarding the "conversation" thing. It IS mostly about active listening...the eye contact, the smile, the nod...the prompts..."really!?" "What else?"
Mirroring or repeat what they just said shows them too that you are listening to what they are talking about. Also, I've discovered follow up questions a day or so latter has a big impact. Not only are you listening but showing real interest in what they want to talk about by bringing it up again at a later time. For instance, CAW was telling me how there's something wrong with the freezer in the school kitchen as it now looks like an Arctic cave and needs to be repaired. So a couple days later, I asked ... so were they able to thaw it enough yet to find any 5000 year old mummies in there?
Didn't mean to contribute to hijacking your thread Jeannine, but just wanted to offer another small piece to the puzzle.
... but it certainly looks like your 2003 will end much better and brighter than it started.
Ok,, Well let's see. His interests are dirk biking, Harley's (No, He's not your typical Harley guy), work (he's a contractor), and fixing "stuff," (he's a virtual McGiver) and THE NEWS ei. current events, his family, and old cars. Oh yeah, Campinf in an RV. See what I have to work with here??? My interests are: reading, travel, pshchology, anything medical (I'm a nrsing student), food, movies, hiking, animals camping, and family. Not a whole lot in common. They say opposites attract. Now wonder we don't have much to talk about! He talks to others though that don't have his interests. He hates animals-mine anyway. Hates the doghair in the house. This has been a big problem. He thinks they belong outside. They've always been indoor pets and one has major arthritis so being out is not an option. I've tried to come up with solutions. The lastest is a maid twice a week if he comes home. Hey, it's still cheaper than his Apt.! I think if other things were good, the little things might not bother him so much. Maybe they still would. I overlook alot and assume he should too for the sake of getting along. This is getting rambly, so I'll stop. You get the idea anyway. Rachael
Quote: Didn't mean to contribute to hijacking your thread Jeannine, but just wanted to offer another small piece to the puzzle.
Please feel absolutely free to address anyone on my thread. In fact, I would encourage you and anyone else to do the same. It is helpful to me as well and it puts my thread to good use.
Quote: Also, I've discovered follow up questions a day or so latter has a big impact. Not only are you listening but showing real interest in what they want to talk about by bringing it up again at a later time.
Very good point!
Quote: ... but it certainly looks like your 2003 will end much better and brighter than it started.
Yea.
Rachael,
Quote: HA! Psychology would be his LAST choice! Too close to emotional stuff.
Okay then. You already know that he is nowhere near ready to discuss the R. Tis normal.
I've been debating as to whether I'll be out-of-line in lending you a specific topic here. But then, I've been known to bend a line or two - so here goes.
If he is "current events" minded, how about the topic of voter verifiable touchsreen voting machines? This is something that affects us all, the future of our democracy and ultimately what decisions will be made in our names.
Thus, it's also engaging.
Perhaps you can start off by saying something like, "You know, I was reading something today (and that would true because you read it here) and it really got me thinking." If touchscreen voting machines don't provide paper printouts - what happens to our right to a verifiable recount?"
Of course, this is only a suggestion and assumes an interest in this subject. However, this format can be applied to whatever topic you or he chooses.
This may act as a 180 for you in that shows you are thinking about something other than your immediate situation. AND you'll be providing some much needed space for him to share WITH you.
Jeannine- Great Idea! Is that really happening??? I told you I never watched the news! This got me thinking that I actually could start watching it so we could talk about current events. it would really surprise him if I fired up a conversation like the one you proposed. A total 180. Yup, I think I will. Starting tonight whilst I am baking Xmas cookies with my D. He has poker tonight at his apt. They play every week on Thursdays at his place because he's the only one with a bachelor pad. They can all sit around smoking cigars without the wives yelling at them. He usually calls me after Poker-at my request. Should I not request that today??? Would that be a GOOD 180? Rachael
Rach, have you read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue? I don't agree with everything the man says, but I DO recall him dealing at length with couples who have divergent interests, he sees this as a plus rather than a minus.
I agree with you, Jeanine, that all couples need outside sources of communication, interest etc. It helps keep our discussions alive when I HAVE something interesting to share.
Sure there are moments when I feel like the silences are ominous...but usually it's just my internal dialogue that's feeding this feeling..."Look, we can't find anything to talk about...he's bored...I'm bored...this can't be right....he talked to HER all the time "
But in reality, sure he talked to HER...it was 90% of their A. They were kept apart by geography and the minor inconvenience of two marriage contracts. Sure they had lots to say.
For CJ's part 70-90% if what he said were LIES...
He MADE himself sound interesting...for those who can't recall, he told her that he and I were getting into repeated rows over her (when in reality I didn't know she existed).
He told her that my brother punched him in the face and knocked out his front tooth (which he broke on a cherry pit in 1998).
He told her he'd quit his job and our house was up for sale. He told he he'd moved out and was livign with his MOTHER!!! (Even made up a bullch!t e-mail supposedly written AT his mother's place)
He told her HE was an artist, painted the wonderful painting behind our couch (in fact a wedding gift from my BIL)
So hell YEAH their conversations were stimulating!! Of course she was enthralled with this fictional man.
Oh yeah, and I'm sure the bogus e-mail letter he created in which I confess to a 2 year PA of my own (with my x fiance!) generated a lot of discussion and sympathy for him.
Okay, I better stop as I'm just making myself mad!!!
, and POLITICS.
Tis normal.
AND you'll be providing some much needed space for him to share WITH you. 