The confrontation you had with your husband in the coffeeshop tells you exactly where he is...still deep in the tunnel
The R talk was a mistake, but on the other hand, his selfishness and selfish, self-serving comments had MY jaw dropping, although I remember days like those, when nothing I said was right.
Where does he get off telling you to "get over it"? HE's the one whose committing adultery, NOT you!
I know this is MLC fog, but it always amazes me the stupid things they say in the name of "I'm right, you're wrong"..when THEY are the ones who's WRONG.
As long as you keep allowing things to get out of control like that, it will continue to feed his justification for what he's doing.
He's NOT liking it that you're not going along with what he's doing, and so, he turned on you, punishing you emotionally for that.
HE'S WRONG for ALL of this, hands down. He KNOWS he's getting to you, and was trying to make you back down from your stand, so he can get what he wants..OW AND YOU..and if that were to happen, he could "play" the both of you for as long as he wants to.
He is definitely having a tough time, considering how he looked when you met him...the battle within is a rough one when it involves the conscience.
Counseling will NOT work as long as OW is in the picture, that would be a losing proposition.
It IS staggering the difference you've seen.
He was and is actually expecting you to go the SAME route you played years ago when he had the first affair, because he actually got away with it back then.
When you changed the tapes, and didn't react the way he expected you to, it sent him right off the deep end, and he NEEDS to go that way....he NEEDS to know he could lose you in this game he's playing with people's lives.
He also needs to see this is not going to easy for him this time around...and I think he got a glimpse of that in you.
It is also possible this confrontation has him thinking right now about whether this is going to worth losing you forever.
He's not dumb; he's in MLC, but not stupid....he's foggy, but STILL trying to get his way and keep his toy, like a child who says "mine!".
Toughen up, Mila, things may just get worse before they MIGHT get better...you still have to deal with him because of the business, and LEARN to face things head-on in spite of the fear you feel.
I'm not getting any real insight on this except this confrontation was a necessary one, and time will tell the tale once again.
Apparently, he had to be told ONE MORE TIME that OW's presence was not acceptable to you. And see that you meant it.
He doesn't need to be told again. He knew anyway, but was pushing the limits and went past them with you...his selfishness knows NO bounds.
With all the strength you have within you, DETACH from his drama, Mila, detach from HIM, disconnect, and put your personal feelings aside...or you will head straight toward a nervous breakdown.
I feel for you, truly I do.
I'm sorry you had to endure that, but I went through the SAME thing when I confronted my husband when he had his OW...he lied to me, though, yet got very hostile to put it mildly.
On the other hand, I was the opposite of you and from a confrontational point of view still am. I WILL confront when I see a clear wrong that's done toward me, taking steps to protect myself.
The reason going dark/dim was advised was because he was cycling with the OW...coming back to you, going back to her when she whistled..in essence, "cake eating"..and that cannot be.
My thoughts are/were if you go back, this could start right up again in the SAME cycle you're trying to break.
Removing yourself as a safety net is something that is needed in order to begin to force his hand in this.
Allowing him to go back and forth would, in time, INCREASE his disrespect for you, he would see you as "weak", and continue to walk all over you anytime he felt like it.
Again, IMHO, he has some growing up to do, and sometimes the LBS is called upon to do certain things at certain times in order to break cycles such as these.
You still remember what happened so long ago..if you let this go this time, it will continue cycling, while you stand by helplessly wondering what is happening, while your husband never faces the weakness within himself that keeps him going to another woman to get his "needs" met.
He is weak and needs help to break this...don't give up, not enough time has passed as yet, and he has not had the necessary time to "miss" you.
With him not having taken his responsibility for his half of the business, it may very well fall to you to take up his slack.
When you go on your trip to the Dude ranch, do not contact him at all, unless it is an emergency..
I need some sleep now.
Talk later.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
