If You Forget Me #71

[AliSuddenly]

Wow Maria, this sounds pretty much like the conversations I have with bf recently, the one where you posted that you were jealous and wished your H would talk to you like that:

I asked him why now? He said "because you deserve it. More than any other woman I know you deserve to be loved unconditionally". I told him I always deserved that. He said yes but he couldnt. I asked him why and what has changed.
He said "so many good and bad things happened in his life at that time that he wasnt able to deal with or worthy to appreciate". He said, the three years I keep reffering to as his escape/fun years, for him, when he thinks about them, are years he wasted, years he missed so much from our lives. He said for him, those years are mistakes, series of bad choices he regrets deeply.

See, its not as you fear (he loved her deeply, she is better than you, he gave up his family for her and it was worth it etc etc). Thats not the reality. The reality is, it came at a bad time in his life and he handled it badly. The reality is, it wasnt a happy time for him. He had an A for complex reasons, but it was a poor decision a massive mistake and he regrets it deeply. I hope you believe him now. Your H is talking from the heart here.

I agree with Kerry and its something I have observed with your and your H R but not ever dared say before!!.. there is a push pull dynamic in your R which could be addressed in IC.

Oversimplifying, but to illustrate from an outsiders perspective - When he was committed, you were 'independent' and strong, when he pulled away, you tried hard to please him, when he left, you were heartbroken and came here for help, when he started showing signs of wanting back and calling you.. I was amazed you started slamming the phone down on him and telling us NO, I DONT love him! When he became again distant you were convinced he was seeing Christina again, so you upped your efforts to get his attention, bought new underwear, let him move back in, etc.. when he then didnt make an effort with you, you were down and depressed desperately wanting him to ML to you, posting constantly you wished he would talk to you, tell you he loved you... when he then DID start ML and is now opening up and giving you all the things you said here you wanted (I love you, I am 1000% committed, I love you unconditionally, lets go on a trip etc)..you pull back, refuse to go on a trip and MENTION DIVORCE !!!???

Maria, thats almost funny, bless you! As RedHead says, now is the time to be grateful, thankful and sigh with relief. You got what you fought 3+ years for, your H is IN LOVE WITH YOU! Perhaps the reason that you cant is a bit more deep seated and part of a wider pattern in your R's ?? Maybe you feel the need to 'test' his love ?

Go on the trip ! You are under stress and worrying constantly. Stress makes us do 'safety behaviours' - avoid triggers and situations that make us more stressed/upset. But all you are doing is giving into your fears and maintaining that worry and stressful position in your mind. If you go and build new memories, you are cutting off the source of your stress/worry (negative associations with getting closer to H). I think you fear real intimacy with him, like you will die or lose something if he gets too close. Or maybe, you would lose control... ???

Sorry for rambling, as usual, lol !! love Al xxx