i've been staying off the boards a bit, and I called a DB coach. She gave me very different advice than I've gotten the past month or so. She advised doing more of the stuff I was doing before the recent "bomb". She said to reframe this "bomb" as a way for H to gain distance because he was scared we were getting too close. Who knows if she is right or not.
She said to capitalize on "family" time as a way to show our "new" R. She said to show no expectations of getting back together that when he gets into telling me he's not coming back that is his way of convincing himself, if he were really sure, he'd be gone and not need to say it. So she said just listen and agree and say "I don't want the old marriage either." She said to act like really good friends. Be appreciative of his good qualities to build up his confidence again, to counteract his fear of returning. She said to never engage when he tries to bait me, certainly continue to walk away, or to sit and listen and then calmly say, "I'm not interested in going down this old path anymore." She said to laugh together, find similar interests, go back to what we fell in love with in each other originally. She said to build positive associations with being together as a family.
I must say I don't know what is the right advice any more, I had been doing these things before he dropped that bomb, and even thought we were piecing. But she says to expect him to bait me, resist, start fights to prove to himself he's right in leaving me but to never take that bait.
So there it is - be friends. Thank him for his positive attributes. And be consistent. I must say I tried it last night when H was here and it felt good. I felt less nervous, upset, anxious. I relaxed and was able to just be myself. I didn't hang around after S fell asleep - not out of planning to do the right thing, just because I felt like it.
So what do you think of this new plan? I can only hope.
And, tonight, I'm finally realizing that as much as I have blamed myself for our problems, and then begged to be taken back, I"m finally having the courage to look at the ways he let our relationship down, and realize he has to own these if he's ever to come back. And he has to realize them on his own, not for me saying anything. IF he doesn't, I am beginning to see that this is not my fault and that it is his weakness and blindness.
