In crisis - right now - HELP!!! Saying all of the wrong things - feeling extremely frustrated with H and kids - can't handle his judgment and selfishness right now. Really need some perspective PLEASE!!!
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
If you are having a hard time, take some time for yourself. You so deserve it! Remember, time is on your side so it doesn't matter if you take a day off for yourself.
I'm so sorry you are have a crisis right now. I understand and sympathize. Hang in there!
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Let me get this straight. You created this situation with your anger and outbursts. And now, when he won't take it anymore, you are frustrated with the judgement and selfishness? How long did it take to get here? Close to 20 years? Perhaps you think he rushed to judgement? How much time are you willing to take his anger?
Lotus is right ... keep it in perspective! Get out, go for a walk, take a bubble bath, meditate, whatever it takes ... in that state you can only hurt the situation ...
One of the things I have going for me, I think anyway, is that I was able to step back and see our sitch from my husbands perspective really early on - before I found DBing. Calm has to be the new norm .. you can't succeed (and I mean success to be learning to handle your anger and temper) without it.
Breathe ....
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Sorry did not have a lot of time to write last night and even less right now. Just had to get something out. I have to say Lotus your response struck me as very harsh. Perhaps you were trying to be helpful but it really hurt.
Just to be clear my anger and outbursts have certainly contributed heavily to my current circumstances BUT I can not and will not take all responsibility. In a way - doing so is pretty disrespectful of my partner don't you think?
We can all present ourselves as victims on this board but I have chosen to be brutally honest because I think that's the only way to begin the process of real change. Now if the response to that is attack if I ever dare complain or feel upset about my circumstances - it certainly doesn't make me think I'm in a very compassionate envt. on these boards.
A
Last edited by fudwoman; 05/19/1011:28 AM.
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Sorry did not have a lot of time to write last night and even less right now. Just had to get something out. I have to say Lotus your response struck me as very harsh. Perhaps you were trying to be helpful but it really hurt.
One of the things I've found most helpful on these boards is the brutal honesty and perspectives I get from the vets. It's not usually what I want to hear but often it's what I NEED to hear.
Originally Posted By: fudwoman
Just to be clear my anger and outbursts have certainly contributed heavily to my current circumstances BUT I can not and will not take all responsibility.
No one asked you to take ALL responsibility, just to step out of your own shoes and into your Hs long enough to get some perspective and cool down. Once I got it, I expected my H to get it right away too - it doesn't work that way, and our sitch has been brewing for so long that it's going to take time to sort everything out.
Originally Posted By: fudwoman
We can all present ourselves as victims on this board but I have chosen to be brutally honest because I think that's the only way to begin the process of real change. Now if the response to that is attack if I ever dare complain or feel upset about my circumstances - it certainly doesn't make me think I'm in a very compassionate envt. on these boards.
A
Remember that the people on this board have been where you are. Being defensive when someone challenges your way of thinking will hinder your process in the long run ... open up and think about the perspective Lotus was trying to get you to consider ...
You won't find compassionate, honest support like this anywhere else ((((hugs))))
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Everyone has "those days" when it is all so overwhelming and anxiety producing and too much to bear. Coming here & venting is much more healthy than doing so on your kids & H. Kudos to you for doing so. Hugs to you for what seemed to have been a very trying time last night.
However, To be honest, I saw your post last night shortly after you posted and I started to compose a response about 10 times & just couldn't because what I had to say was coming out 10 times harsher than what Lotus said it. But it's probably because it pulled some triggers for me & my sitch..
How she replied to you is referred to on here as a 2x4. It is lovingly administered, at some point, to everyone who posts here.
IT is done to help a DB'er, gain a different perspective and THINK about their sitch in a different light (if they chose to do that) to help their EMOTIONAL state change.
I truly hope you can continue to post and work through your feelings of resentment & frustration that your H is not responding to your changes as quickly as you would like and that he seems to keep playing the victim in your eyes.
I can tell you that when I read what you wrote in your initial post last night.. that was how I thought you were coming across.. "as a victim", and I'm sure that is not how you intended it, but it may bear examining from a perspective outside your own, as that is how your kids & H may possibly view it. Your choice to be interspective about it.
Now in respone to this today
Originally Posted By: fudwoman
Now if the response to that is attack if I ever dare complain or feel upset about my circumstances - it certainly doesn't make me think I'm in a very compassionate envt. on these boards.
You have had MANY kind, compassionate, supportive, and appropriate responses to you sitch, many people have chimed in with kudos, advice, support etc... and you have been appreciative of them...
however, part of changing and growing is being open and willing to hear the critiques of your actions as well as the positives of your actions. You strike me as a women is has the strength & inner fortitude to do that... perhaps last night, you did not.
I can tell you from my experience of posting on here for over 2 years.. Lotus is a thoughtful, kind soul that is a blessing to this board and I have no doubts what she said was said with compassion & care for your sitch. You may choose to not hear it that way.
I hope in your growth you can learn to hear both sides and not feel so hurt that you chose not post because someone is 'attacking' you when you complain about your circumstances.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Fudwoman, I book I would recommend for you is called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It will help you.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I would like to explain the meaning of compassion, which is often misunderstood. Genuine compassion is based not on our own projections and expectations, but rather on the rights of the other: irrespective of whether another person is a close friend or an enemy, as long as that person wishes for peace and happiness and wishes to overcome suffering, then on that basis we develop genuine concern for his or her problem. This is genuine compassion. Usually when we are concerned about a close friend, we call this compassion. This is not compassion; it is attachment. Even in marriage, those marriages that last only a short time do so because of attachment - although it is generally present - but because there is also compassion. Marriages that last only a short time do so because of a lack of compassion; there is only emotional attachment based on projection and expectation. When the only bond between close friends is attachment, then even a minor issue may cause one's projections to change. As soon as our projections change, the attachment disappears - because that attachment was based solely on projection and expectation. It is possible to have compassion without attachment - and similarly, to have anger without hatred. Therefore we need to clarify the distinctions between compassion and attachment, and between anger and hatred. Such clarity is useful in our daily life and in our efforts towards world peace. I consider these to be basic spiritual values for the happiness of all human beings, regardless of whether one is a believer or a nonbeliever.
