This is hard for me to write...it is even hard for me to understand. I have given up after over 3 years. I thought we were on the road home but it was an illusion. I expected too much. I put too much pressure on my H or so he says. He says pressure feels like an attack to him confused. I can't do it anymore. I deserve better...I deserve more. He has been sitting on the fence for far too long and it was time for him to choose a direction and it wasn't toward me.

It all started last week when he was supposed to come over but ended up partying with "friends" and not calling. I didn't make a big deal over it... but it got me thinking this man is 55 years old, when is he going to grow up? I met my H for dinner the next night...I wasn't even mad about what he did...it just made me realize that I deserve better. I basically said to my H that if he wasn't willing to commit to the moving home (no time frame), I was done. He couldn't do it. He said he does love me and he wants to move back but he couldn't tell me that he is going to move back. In my mind nothing got definatively resovled after the conversation. The next day I sent my H a text asking where we left things. My H said he thought I "kicked him to the curb"...I told him my feeling that I thought nothing got resolved. He told me he drove home the night before "feeling awful and why are things so hard---or is it just me being stubborn?" I replied "you are being stubborn...you make things more difficult than they need to be." He said "I know that---sometimes I am such a jerk and idiot---I react badly to pressure---too defensive." I asked him if he realizes that then why can't he change his behavior. He said he reacts and returns to his old ways. He said he feels like he is being attacked when I put pressure on him. I tried to make him understand that I wasn't attacking him and it seemed like he was getting it until the next day when I texted him and asked if we could continue the conversation. He replied "geez---give it a rest for awhile". Things have gone downhill since. I am done. Everything I have been standing for all these years means nothing to him. He appreciates nothing. His precious independence and solitude mean more to him. I've asked him for a divorce.

He would have to change far too much for me to take him back now. The damage he has done now is just about irrepairable. I see now that he will never let himself appreciate anything I have done for him. In time I will be happier alone than with someone who takes so much and gives so little in return. This was not the man I married. This is not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

So, I am not a success at saving my marriage however, I am a still a work in progress at saving myself. I could have sworn I have been one of the one's to pull this out because I knew my H needed me more than I needed him. I talked to him this evening and told him goodbye. He said goodbye for now. I corrected him and told him it was goodbye.