I need some help please. My wife of 19 years told me today that she has feelings for one of our single divorced friends.He has been a friend of ours for about 5 years.Only becoming fairly close the last year. He is in a group of people that we hang around with.My wife is more of their friends than I am,but we still are all friends.I work alot so I am not there all of the time.I am almost 50 and she is 42 Our friend is 50 and I hate to say it but a really straight forward guy.I don't know what to do.Our marriage hasn't been to good for quiet some time now.Our sex life sucks mostly my fault and we are in dept out our butts.I really want to save this marriage because I really love my wife always have but got in a rut and have been very depressed for a while.I am working thru that and have been doing a lot better lately and do not want to lose her.I am willing to change what ever I can,but need some help.
I'm sorry about your situation, but I'm glad you found this forum. It's a great place with a lot of wonderful people. You will get great advice here.
If you haven't already, get a copy of the book "Divorce Remedy". I It's what this site is built around. Don't share it with your wife. It's only for you. I suggest you go straight to the bookstore instead of waiting to get it delivered.
The stuff that you need to do is counter-intuitive, and you are gonna need to read the book a few times! In the meantime, read as many threads here as you can. It will help.
Originally Posted By: mission/impossible
My wife of 19 years told me today that she has feelings for one of our single divorced friends
Did she say she wants a divorce, or a separation? Prepare yourself for the possibility that there is more going on than what she has told you. If you find more out, do not confront her. Come here instead and tell us about it. Some of the veterans here have been through this daily and can really help you handle it!
Hang in there.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Here is a good list of do's/dont's from a very wise person here named Sandi.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. This is my personal opinion, but I think it is best to stay away from the bar scenes--where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I'm sorry about your situation, but I'm glad you found this forum. It's a great place with a lot of wonderful people. You will get great advice here.
If you haven't already, get a copy of the book "Divorce Remedy". I It's what this site is built around. Don't share it with your wife. It's only for you. I suggest you go straight to the bookstore instead of waiting to get it delivered.
The stuff that you need to do is counter-intuitive, and you are gonna need to read the book a few times! In the meantime, read as many threads here as you can. It will help.
Originally Posted By: mission/impossible
My wife of 19 years told me today that she has feelings for one of our single divorced friends
Did she say she wants a divorce, or a separation? Prepare yourself for the possibility that there is more going on than what she has told you. If you find more out, do not confront her. Come here instead and tell us about it. Some of the veterans here have been through this daily and can really help you handle it!
Hang in there.
I agree with everything here, word for word.
I am sorry you are here but this is a safe place. We are all here to support one another.
Be strong my friend.
M: 32 H: 34 S:5 D: 3 D: 1 Together 11 years Married 7 Bomb: PA/EA 8/13/09 (for 1 year on and off) ILYBINILWY: 08/09
"The end of suffering happens with the end of wanting." -Laura Munson
MI ~ My suggestion is that you dig a little to see if there is more to the story than she told you. Why? B/c you need to know what you are up against. Your strategies will be different if this is just an emerging relationship v. a full blown EA or PA. Information is important at this time. Check cell records and email. What's her cell phone use like and does she protect her phone? Think about her sched lately - has it changed? Has she changed - dress, hair, activities.
That seems like an important first step to me. Knowing what IS will help you going forward.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I came back to your thread to post this very advice:
Originally Posted By: Greek
MI ~ My suggestion is that you dig a little to see if there is more to the story than she told you. Why? B/c you need to know what you are up against. Your strategies will be different if this is just an emerging relationship v. a full blown EA or PA. Information is important at this time. Check cell records and email. What's her cell phone use like and does she protect her phone? Think about her sched lately - has it changed? Has she changed - dress, hair, activities.
That seems like an important first step to me. Knowing what IS will help you going forward.
So many say, "I'm sure there's not an affair going on yet" only to find out the truth later. Find out as much as you can now, then you will know better how to proceed.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
I have checked a lot of things and I don't think it has come to anything yet.But you really never know.Thank you for the advise and I will get the book.I have the old DB book but I will get the new one.There is a lot of don'ts on the list.She doesn't know what she wants to do yet.Like I said he was a good friend of mine and the people we run around with.I found out that everyone that is in our inner circle knows what is going on.I checked her text messages and it seems that everyone is checking on her but no one except one family has even checked out how I am doing.I tried to talk to my wife yesterday and she got mad and left and went to her girl friends house around the corner.She was there for about 3 hours.Said that she drank alot while she was there.I saw that she texted the other man when she left here.She told me that he showed up there for about 1/2 hour and her statement was that "HE RESPECTS YOU VERY MUCH AND IS BACKING OFF TIL WE SEE THIS THRU" Which I stated to her if he respected me he would of never put himself in this position that we are in now.I did call him and talk to him when I found out she had feelings for him.I was mad and told him to stay the hell away from my wife .He told me that they have been talking and that she is persuing him. My wife also told me this and I think all of our friends too.So she is very out in the open about this with the people we are close with. She got mad yesterday because while we were talking we both relized that I have been trying to change and she won't let me.I think it hit her like a ton of bricks and she got very mad and left.I have been trying to change but everytime I do something nice she always says why are you trying now ? Where were you the last 7 years?I have tried to put my arm around her but she always pulls away.I told her we can't change anything unless she is willing to forget and start new.She relized that she won't let me start to change and she didn't like this.We talked about counsling and ways to work it out.She didn't say anything about the counsling good or bad but it seems like she is doing a lot of thinking lately. She told me that I need to give her space to figure this out.I will try some of the things that you people have suggested and see what happens. I think she just thought that she could just move from a 19 year marrige to being with this man and nothing would change.Both of our boys are very mad at her. I tried to get her to talk to them yesterday but when she did she was sugar coating everything and not telling them everything.She doesn't need to tell them everything but I told her that they should here it from her and not anybody else because we live in a small town.When we talked about everything the first day (Tuesday) she wanted to get out and get a dissolution and go our seperate ways. She did not want to talk about anything.Now I don't know what she wants to do.Thanks again for the advice.I will try very hard.
What I need is help with the kids now.What do I tell them when mommy isn't home any more.I cant tell them that mommy is a whore though I would like to? The youngest sort of knows already and is having a hard time already. The oldest doesn't get along with his mom at all.How do I explain this?
