Totally confused. Used the MC session to tell her how I felt, to bring up the trust issue, emotional neglect and so on. She wanted to know my feelings.
Agreed with her that our marriage was dead, and we need to move on. She laid out in detail how she wants the D to go. Then why is she obsessing over my past mistakes, which she has known about for a while now? Her emotions are quite raw, to be sure. I am quite suspicious she is making a huge issue of it to justify her actions with EA/PA and wanting the D. I know I am not supposed to infer what she is feeling, but how do I respond to these gut-wrenching emails? Ignore them? Thoughts would be most appreciated.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
W is expressing extreme pain and rejection, I think. But this is new, and is not the root cause of her asking for a D. Seems like she is looking for a new excuse everyday. If she is so set on a D, why doesn't she just cut me out of her life? Why is she moving back into this house (beyond the fact she needs a place to live)? Why did she indicate she would postpone filing for D from June to September? WTF?
I am terminally confused, I fear.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Then why is she obsessing over my past mistakes, which she has known about for a while now? ... I am quite suspicious she is making a huge issue of it to justify her actions with EA/PA and wanting the D.
I think you asked and answered your own question!
Originally Posted By: any chance?
I know I am not supposed to infer what she is feeling, but how do I respond to these gut-wrenching emails? Ignore them?
AC, it sounds as though you're wrung out, emotionally and physically. If I were you I'd be exhausted from all the stress and heartache. Do you think you might be able to just turn the computer or blackberry off (whatever you're receiving these emails on!?) for a day so you can regroup and get some rest? Or at least just not read anything from her for a while? I think you might benefit from a bit of distance right now. I fear returning any of her emails right now is just perpetuating a negative, unproductive (and unhealthy!) pattern.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PS - I hear how confused you are, and I'm sorry you're having such a struggle. Thinking good thoughts for you. Things will get better... hang in there.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Thanks, PG, but I fear the downhill race continues.
I need help with this one, big time.......
So, as I said the MC brought out the demons, and W is obsessing over details from past mistakes. I have been open and honest. I got a text from her tonight that had me concerned about her welfare, so I went to her apt. to check on her.
She repeated again that I would be fine, that I would move on. That I should not be dragged down by her illness/depression. I told her I would be there for her, as I always have been. She asked when I lost interest in her sexually, and I told her that we both got to point of not knowing if the other wanted us, as we both felt unwanted and rejected sexually. Admitted that was a huge mistake on both our parts, and that if we were as aware of relationship issues then as we are now, that would never have happened (the warning flags would have gone off). I never really did lose interest in her sexually. I just didn't know if she wanted me. What a sad thing.
She is very focused on the trust issue, and maintains she is not sure she can believe anything I say. Very sad given our very strong relationship in the past. Restoring that trust takes time and patience, and I am not sure I will be given a chance.
I left at her request. She is a catatonic mess, not really functioning day to day. I am very worried about her.
I leave in 5 days for three weeks, and am going to try NC during that time. The Vets give me 2x4's for the path I am on, but I really do not know what to do.
PG, you are right, I am totally and completely physically and emotionally exhausted. Wrung out. Not much left. But I see her crumbling before my eyes. Is it even possible that this is all a blame game for her to justify leaving me?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
She's a mess. You're a mess. How can you help her when you're a mess. She seems unwilling to shake herself free from her cycle. You can't keep letting her drama be your drama.
I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned... because I think you should be. She sounds like she's right off her rails. Is there anyone you can hand this off to?.. .someone who is close to her that can keep their eye on her while you're gone?
You however need to take care of you... because right now... you're sinking and it's not going to be good for anyone for you to drop into her funk.
*hugs... big hugs* Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Hey, on my thread you said you had a key self-realization...I think you must have had a few actually. Tell me about that... I'd be interested to hear more about it.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PG: I have realized that much of the emotional neglect that I am guily of in our marriage was the result of my self-absorption and personal hubris. I was all wrapped up in myself and in my career. W played a critical support role, but did not express any discontent until we were in very serious trouble. Apparently a classic story. My career was soaring, it was very exciting, very large amount of travel, but I eventually realized, probably too late, that my victories were hollow and somewhat meaningless. I was always grabbing at the next challenge, never looking at the wonders of the world around me or the magic of the wonderful woman I was in love with. Think I forgot I was in love. I have a very different perspective now, and I look forward to sharing it with my lifepartner. However, I fear that my lifepartner has been lost forever. And it is completely due to my self-absorption. Never again.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I have a very different perspective now, and I look forward to sharing it with my lifepartner.
That's great to hear AC, and I know you and all your future relationships will benefit.
Originally Posted By: any chance?
However, I fear that my lifepartner has been lost forever. And it is completely due to my self-absorption. Never again.
This concerns me a little though. I don't think it was 'completely' due to that at all. Yes we all have to take responsibility for our weaknesses that cause issues in our M. But your W chose to leave instead of confronting you directly about the needs she had that weren't being met. To me, that was her responsibility to you and the M. I know it has been in mine and it's why I'm busting my kiester in therapy. And I think her renegging on that responsibility, is a big part of why she's experiencing such erratic emotions and projecting so much blame towards you now. It's guilt.
So yes, by all means work on the areas you feel could be strengthened in your own life. I applaud you for being strong enough to engage in such difficult self-reflection. But please, don't bear the full responsibility for what's happened. That's as damaging as if you'd bore none of it. That kind of self-blame is crippling and eventually destroys your self-esteem. I'm speaking from my heart, looking back at years of my own history of it AC, and I don't want that experience for you. Please, would you consider reading Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem? It's been so enlightening to me, in terms of learning what I choose to feel responsible for, and what I choose not to.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
So yes, by all means work on the areas you feel could be strengthened in your own life. I applaud you for being strong enough to engage in such difficult self-reflection. But please, don't bear the full responsibility for what's happened. That's as damaging as if you'd bore none of it. That kind of self-blame is crippling and eventually destroys your self-esteem.
I agree 100%! AC, do NOT put all the blame on you. I read what you wrote and you sound like I did last year. It wasn't true for me, and it's not true for you. A M involves two people. It's great to self reflect and see areas you believe you failed your M, but it is not, and never was, your responsibility to make your W happy under any and all circumstances. Many marriages thrive with one partner very committed to their career and absent much of the time. She is choosing to use that as an excuse for collapsing emotionally and walking away from you and your M. Please try to step back and see how weak your W is acting, and blaming you for the consequences of her weakness. Incredibly toxic. Think about the spouses who deal with year long military deployments, yet are still completely devoted to their M.
I think many of the success stories here involve spouses who BOTH do a lot of self reflection to determine what EACH did to allow the M to fail. AC, do your part, but don't excuse her from her part, and don't allow her to put it all on you.
