Normally during the school year the child transfer is pretty uneventful. Since I pick them up from school, they either come to my place or I take them to hers unless they have a doctor's appointment or some weeknight activity to attend. I think this summer they won't have the usual summer camp activities with money being as tight as it is now. Since where I live now is somewhat on the way from where W lives to where she works, I guessing my place will be the transfer point. We'll see how that goes...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
So it has been a pretty quiet week at the new digs (now known as the Bobcave). After a nice phone call with my mom on Mother's Day, I went into domestic mode and did some serious cleaning and straightening up. The large common room on the upper floor of the Bobcave seems a lot bigger now - and the kids like the feeling as well.
School is wrapping up in a couple of weeks so the kids are starting to get into final exam mode. D is helping to run a teen con at her church next weekend - right in the middle of finals. Hopefully she will not lose too much sleep but somehow I doubt that!
Had a phone call from W this morning to catch up on a couple of things. W's L received the draft language that my L came up with on the issue of overnight visits while the kids are in the residence. W didn't object to the idea of this but wanted to restructure the language into more of a guideline rather than a "thou shalt" - which I did not have a problem with. I told W that I would contact my L next week to see what she could do about that. W did mention that she could foresee us in a separated status indefinitely due to the financial advantages of filing joint tax returns and cheaper insurance among other things.
Ugh - where's that rolling eyes smilie when you need it...
It seems that W does want to keep those tethers of control, doesn't she?
But things are finally moving on the old house front. The painter that I contracted over two months ago called and said that he should be starting on the house (exterior and interior) in the next one to two weeks. W is going to call someone else to replace the garage door. Everything is out that we aren't planning to give away. Hopefully when it is time to list it won't take too long to sell...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I have been pretty unsettled for the past couple of days - in part thinking about a good friend of mine who passed away one year ago on Thursday from complications due to cancer. A really positive guy - a great husband and father who everyone who knew him really misses. Although I went to the visitation, W would not help me out with getting the kids home from school and to activities so that I could attend his funeral and wake - she said that I was there for one but did not to do both...
Anyway - this morning I got a call from the painter saying that he was bumping our house up his list and would do the power washing today but needed directions since he forgot to bring the directions with him. So I gave them over the phone and told him I would leave a house key where he could find it.
E-mailed W right away to let her know about the arrangements - she replied that she was happy that movement was going on the house. She also asked me to unlock the garage door so another person could come out and take measurements to get it replaced and I replied it would not be a problem.
So I drove by the old house this afternoon and nothing had been done yet. I unlocked the garage door and left the house key for the painter. I really wished he would have done things two months ago and our house could have been on the market sooner. Oh well...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Anyway - Thursday evening was busy as I worked at a gig - better than usual crowd but it took them a while to get started. Had a lot of thoughts about my friend who passed away one year ago that night - felt that he was looking in on us and was pleased with what he saw.
Weekend was busy as well attending a memorial concert for the life partner of another friend of mine - a positive uplifting experience. Then Sunday morning came along and a phone call from the guy whose company is painting the old house. Mentioned that he was going to charge an extra $350 since W and I have put off getting some of the prep work done inside. The painter has put us off for nearly two months and then gives me a call - sheesh!
So I went over and did stuff (cleaned, vacuumed, took down drapes, etc.) for over 5 hours - since W had the kids that weekend it would not have been fair to drag her in on this. Got another phone call on Monday from the painter. Turned out his people did not convey their info correctly and I should have also washed down all of the walls, sills and baseboards inside.
UGH! I agreed to having to spend an additional $250 to get that done. Since I got a very good deal for the inside and outside of the house, I did not get that worked up about it - but it has bothered me for the past couple of days. I guess it reinforces the idea that I will have to liquidate the remainder of my external 401k account to partially settle accounts and the perceived need to do that is what truly bothers me...
But the kids are done with their finals and their school (K-12) is going to have their graduation ceremony on Saturday so that will be a lot of fun. And I have them for the remainder of the holiday weekend so the Bobcave will be a happy place...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Although I have been busy the past week or so - nothing really new to report. The kids' school had their graduation ceremony during the Memorial Day weekend which (if all goes well - mainly on the money front) D will be going through in two years. Before that weekend hit W sent me an e-mail with the kids' summer camp activities and asked if I thought there was any problem. Given that W made all of the arrangements at the last minute without any warning or consultation, there was not really any time to do anything but to agree with what she had arranged. Not fun but definitely par for the course as far as W is concerned...
I did have to go over to the old house on Memorial Day to mow the yard. I couldn't tell if the painters had done the prep work on the walls that we have to pay extra for but I was still disappointed that not more had been done. I also had a lot of negative emotions creeping in on the drive over and while I did the yard work. I knew better than to stuff them back inside so I let those feelings work themselves through while I was battling the heat and humidity. I really felt tired at the end of it all but I also felt somewhat better emotionally.
I don't have the kids this weekend so it was a good time to get errands done and a bit of straightening done in the Bobcave. The kids don't have any camps this week so they will be here during the days and sleeping at either W's place at the beginning of the week or here the latter part...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I also had a lot of negative emotions creeping in on the drive over and while I did the yard work. I knew better than to stuff them back inside so I let those feelings work themselves through while I was battling the heat and humidity. I really felt tired at the end of it all but I also felt somewhat better emotionally.
How did you let the feelings work themselves through? I think many of us could use a lesson on that! I often "stuff them back inside" and try to change what I'm thinking, distract myself etc. so, again, how did you work them through?
It's probably a good idea to see what had been going on the few days prior to Memorial Day:
Got the phone call from the painter a few days prior saying that they were going to charge an extra $350 unless we did some things to make the painting easier.
I spent nearly six hours at the house taking down drapes, vacuuming the baseboards and carpet, sweeping and making sure everything was away from the walls.
Getting a followup call the next day from the painter saying that his crew did not communicate to him that the walls, window sills, etc. needed to be washed as well so I bit the bullet and gave him the OK to do it for $250 more.
Also knowing that W had only been at the old house for only a few hours in the past two months while I had put in a lot work in the yard, taking old things to recycling, etc.
So on the drive to the house I felt those negative emotions coming on. It did not help matters that it appeared that the painters had done very little as far as I could tell during the week.
The IC that I have been seeing for the past couple of years taught me that it was perfectly natural and healthy if these negative emotions appeared from time to time but that it was always my choice to decide how to deal with them. Yes I was angry and somewhat bitter but I felt it was best to allow those feelings to embrace me since I was not around anyone and that I had yardwork to distract me physically while I let those negative feelings play out. By the time I was finished a couple of hours later, my state of mind was a lot better.
I guess the process is similar to what BobbiJo is describing on her new thread. Admittedly there will be times in the future where I will be in a similar situation - but now I don't have a yard to mow...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Thanks Daybreak. I often don't work them through because it may be the wrong place and time e.g. work setting but there are times when, for example, I feel a need to cry and I'm at home or in the car and I push that away. Sometimes you just do have those moments and i think I'd be further ahead if I'd allow them out sometimes. Letting people know when I'm hurting might be good too. I had a friend who said "you're always there for us Whatis, maybe you should let us be there for you once in a while" Oh and she hasn't called me in six months nor returns my calls so I don't call anymore! Anyway, it's good to see you are able to catch those moments and go forward with them. Good job!
Having participated in Kat's thread about how long it has been since I have had sex (nine years and counting), it makes me wonder whether I should reevaluate my boundary of not being a "one night stand" type of person. To recount, W has been the only person I have had sex with (after going out on several dates and finding we really enjoyed each other's company) although there were a few instances before then where I could have "lost it" but I would not allow myself to go there. Shyness and timidity certainly played a part in that but I also believe that I wanted an emotional investment in the relationship - which didn't happen for me until W and I met all those years ago and something "clicked."
Maybe I'm overanalyzing things ...
It's been a quiet week with the kids out of school for the summer. Early tomorrow morning D leaves on a church field trip for the week (something W signed her up for but never bothered to ask me about beforehand - coparent fail on her) and S is going to a camp nearby during the days. Naturally this messes up my work schedule somewhat since (for three days this week) I need to be at the house to make sure S is ready for pickup by W and that cuts into my normal work hours. W already asked that I take D to the meeting place for her field trip which I agreed to. When I mentioned to D that W had asked me to do this, D just shook her head as in "you have got to be kidding me." Fortunately I went into work this morning to get a lot of my normal Monday morning activities addressed so catering to W doesn't put me behind the 8-ball as it normally would...
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
I agreed to having to spend an additional $250 to get that done. Since I got a very good deal for the inside and outside of the house, I did not get that worked up about it - but it has bothered me for the past couple of days. I guess it reinforces the idea that I will have to liquidate the remainder of my external 401k account to partially settle accounts and the perceived need to do that is what truly bothers me...
And I have them for the remainder of the holiday weekend so the Bobcave will be a happy place... 